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Topic: Don Adams (Get Smart) has passed away
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Mike Blakesley
Film God
Posts: 12767
From: Forsyth, Montana
Registered: Jun 99
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posted 09-26-2005 09:35 PM
In honor of Don Adams, here is a transcript of a comedy bit of his, taken from an ancient old 8-track I've got called "Comedy on the Move." Just be sure to imagine this in his voice and it'll be even funnier.
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Well I'm very happy to be here at the Sands. I almost didn't make it here for this engagement -- I was in Acapulco. And I wanna tell you, I had the toughest time getting out of that place. I coudn't get a flight out. Finally had to take one of those non-scheduled airlines. A "non-scheduled" airline...that means they don't know what time they're gonna crash.
Now I'm not usually nervous about flying, but there were a couple of things about this plane that upset me. First of all...I like two wings. (He turns to a man in the audience) One wing is OK if you're gonna kid around, sir, but if you're gonna get up there and fly you should have one on each side. Oh boy, he's gonna be a lot of fun tonight.
Actually it wasn't a bad flight. We all got in the plane and the plane taxied out to the end of the runway and they REVVED up the motors, you know. And then we had to be towed back to the terminal. To refuel. (to man in audience, again) Used up all that gasoline revving up the motors, sir. Do the words "get out" mean anything to you?
They finally got the plane off the ground though...bunch of the ground crew got together and pushed it off a cliff, that got it sailing up there. And the pilot was very nice. Tall, distinguished looking man. Gray, completely gray. Except for his hair. (to man in audience) That was black, sir. You don't much give a damn, do ya.
No, he was very nice, the pilot, he was very nice. He spoke to us over the intercom. Well, it wasn't really an intercom...it was a Dixie cup on a string, is what it was.
The pilot was very nice, he spoke to us over the Dixie cup....and he said "We'll be cruising at an altitude of oh, 50, 60 feet, what the hell. We're really gonna get it up there this time!" He said "We'll be flying non-stop...from one end of the airport to the other. Where we'll transfer to buses!" (to man in audience) In order to get over the mountains, sir, they were 80 feet high at that point.
I think the pilot was kdding around about the buses and the mountains...it was kind of a little joke with him to try and take our minds off the fire.
See, the wing was on fire. And I can tell you that everybody in that plane was in pretty much of a panic, you have never seen such a panic in all your life! Fortunately....there was a priest on the plane. Who had been a fireman. That was before he became a priest, of course....and this priest got a hold of an axe and he chopped that plane up pretty good, I wanna tell ya.
Everybody was a nervous wreck, you've never seen so many nervous people in all your life! You know how when you get nervous everybody takes out a cigarette and lights up? Everybody took out a cigarette...but nobody would light up. At least not as long as that priest had that ax in his hand, I'll tell you that much.
What a flight...the pilot kept talking to us over that Dixie cup...and he kept saying things like "If you loook out of the left side of the plane you can see our 9:30 flight...on the side of the mountain!"
He cured me, I wanna tell you. I have a new philosophy about flying. "If the Lord had meant us to fly, he'd have given us wings." I heard our pilot say that just before we took off.
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