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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Children (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2 
 
Author Topic: Children
Tony Gallimore
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 108
From: Willis, Virginia, USA
Registered: Jul 2009


 - posted 10-14-2009 07:32 PM      Profile for Tony Gallimore   Email Tony Gallimore   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

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Tony Gallimore
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 108
From: Willis, Virginia, USA
Registered: Jul 2009


 - posted 10-14-2009 07:33 PM      Profile for Tony Gallimore   Email Tony Gallimore   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

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Tony Gallimore
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 108
From: Willis, Virginia, USA
Registered: Jul 2009


 - posted 10-14-2009 07:34 PM      Profile for Tony Gallimore   Email Tony Gallimore   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

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Tony Gallimore
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 108
From: Willis, Virginia, USA
Registered: Jul 2009


 - posted 10-14-2009 07:35 PM      Profile for Tony Gallimore   Email Tony Gallimore   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

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Tony Gallimore
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 108
From: Willis, Virginia, USA
Registered: Jul 2009


 - posted 10-14-2009 07:37 PM      Profile for Tony Gallimore   Email Tony Gallimore   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

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Tony Gallimore
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 108
From: Willis, Virginia, USA
Registered: Jul 2009


 - posted 10-14-2009 07:37 PM      Profile for Tony Gallimore   Email Tony Gallimore   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

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Tony Gallimore
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 108
From: Willis, Virginia, USA
Registered: Jul 2009


 - posted 10-14-2009 07:39 PM      Profile for Tony Gallimore   Email Tony Gallimore   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

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Tony Gallimore
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 108
From: Willis, Virginia, USA
Registered: Jul 2009


 - posted 10-14-2009 07:41 PM      Profile for Tony Gallimore   Email Tony Gallimore   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'

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Frank Angel
Film God

Posts: 5198
From: Brooklyn NY USA
Registered: Dec 1999


 - posted 02-03-2010 07:40 PM      Profile for Frank Angel   Author's Homepage   Email Frank Angel   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

So little 14yr old Johnny is walking to his room when he hears a noise coming from his parents bedroom. He opens the door only to see his dad, butt naked humping his butt naked mom. Dad is startled and taken by surprise, but he chuckles a little and tells Johnny to get out and close the door. After the adults finish up the deed, Dad puts on his robe and hastily goes looking for Johnny realizing that he is going to have a delicate talk with him. He goes down the hall looking for his son but he's not in his room. However, as he passes the other bedroom, he hears noises so he opens the door only to find Johnny butt naked humping his grandma. Dad is shocked and yells, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!!" Johnny, not missing a stroke, turns to his dad and says, "Yah, it's not so funny when it's YOUR mother!"

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 11-25-2011 04:11 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 659 days since the last post.


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Ian Parfrey
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1049
From: Imbil Australia 26 deg 27' 42.66" S 152 deg 42' 23.40" E
Registered: Feb 2009


 - posted 11-25-2011 04:11 AM      Profile for Ian Parfrey   Email Ian Parfrey   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated M

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 672
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 01-19-2012 02:46 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG....

Sometimes we forget the really important things in life. That seems to be what small children are for.

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads, he said, "God is great, God is good, now we thank you for our food, and I would thank you even more if Grampa gets us ice cream for dessert. With liberty and justice for all, Amen!"

Along with laughter from nearby customers, I heard an older lady
remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman wearing a clerical collar stood up and approached our table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. Sometimes a little ice cream can be good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With the big warm smile that only a child can generate, he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your fat ass, you grouchy old bitch!"

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 672
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 09-02-2012 02:55 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG...

The pastor had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, and had them sit around him. He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be!

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 11-19-2014 10:05 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 808 days since the last post.


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Sammy Ross
Film Handler

Posts: 9
From: Los Angeles, LA, USA
Registered: May 2014


 - posted 11-19-2014 10:05 PM      Profile for Sammy Ross   Email Sammy Ross   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G:
"My little cousin was holding my dog when she said: If I squeezed him as hard as I love him, he would explode."
"When I asked my 3 year-old what he thought heaven was like he said: Everyone drives a monster truck all the time."
"At the market my kid said: Why are you buying beer, Dad? Do you know how much candy we could get with that much money?"

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