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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Hollywood (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3 
 
Author Topic: Hollywood
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-28-2005 03:11 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

When Sam Goldwyn was at his height as a motion picture producer, and charming everyone with his beautiful abuse of English, it is said that he rejected the script for a movie called "The Optimist."

He didn't think that a story about an eye doctor would sell. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-28-2005 03:23 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Tom Cruise and Rene Zellweger will co-star in the psychological horror flick "The Eye." And we all know what that means: Rene is single again ... no one can remember who Katie Holmes is ... Cruise has a new movie ... time for another wedding! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-28-2005 03:24 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Demi Moore, 47, has announced her engagement to child actor Ashton Kutcher, who is about half Demi's age. Ashton said the decision to go ahead with the marriage hinged on whether Demi had kids old enough that he could play with. Demi said she hopes she can soon give birth to a little brother for Ashton. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-30-2005 05:04 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

For one scene in Gangs of New York (2002), Cameron Diaz was directed to slap Leonardo Dicaprio in the face over and over and over again.

"When Robert De Niro and I used to do a scene like this," Director Martin Scorsese told Leonardo Dicaprio, "Mr. De Niro would take real slaps in the face – real slaps."

"Anything you and Mr. De Niro used to do I totally respect," Leonardo Decaprio said. "I’m absolutely game."

Thirty-five or forty takes later, Leonardo Dicaprio was passed out on the floor, his head, he recalled, "Felt like a cantaloupe."

Though unable to see straight, he looked up at Mr. Scorsese.
"Did we get it, sir? Did we get it?" he asked.

"That was perfect, kid, that was perfect," Mr. Scorsese replied. "Now we just have six more angles on this shot...." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-06-2006 10:22 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Betsy

Men never get too old for the entertainment industry.

I saw a Clint Eastwood movie, he's around 110, and they have him in bed with a twenty-four-year-old.

I demand some parity, a film where Tom Cruise sleeps with Phyllis Diller. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-06-2006 10:48 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] George

"I got a role in the new Tarzan movie. Boy, you should have seen all the crazy animals we had to work with."

"Were you the star?"

"No, but when the lion got loose and chased the cast, I was the leading man!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-08-2006 07:10 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.

The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."

"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie..."

"You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to make any more movies."

"But we’ve got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed.

"I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.

"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!"

"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare...How can I go wrong? I'll do it!"

"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There's only one small hitch... I’ve got a girlfriend who sings..." [Big Grin]

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3833
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000


 - posted 01-08-2006 11:02 AM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Hollywood is a place where:

When you're good they call you great.

When you're great they call you a genius.

And when you're a genius they don't call you. [Big Grin]

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3833
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000


 - posted 01-08-2006 11:06 AM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Old Hollywood saying: "They'll never forgive you for carrying a screwdriver." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-14-2006 11:19 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Popo

The theatrical agent, trying to sell a new strip act to a night-club manager, was raving about the girl's unbelievable 72-26-38 figure.

"What kind of a dance does she do?" the manager asked, duly impressed by the description of the girl's dimensions.

"Well, she doesn't actually dance at all," the agent replied. "She just crawls out onto the stage and tries to stand up!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-03-2006 09:19 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Spokespeople for the Academy Awards are calling for Oscar speeches to be short, interesting and wholesome. The show is now going to be nine minutes long."

--Conan O'Brien

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-03-2006 09:30 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] B.B.

MOVIE QUOTES ABOUT BEAUTY


"Help me, Mary Kay, you're my only hope."

"I love the smell of microdermabrasion in the morning!"

"Spray Misty for me."

"Luke ... I am your barber."

"What we have here is a failure to exfoliate."

"Blonde. James Blonde."

"I don't believe that man's EVER been to cosmetology school!"

"I'll make him a coiffure he can't refuse."

"Houston, we have a pimple." [Big Grin]

~ M.Raymond

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-08-2006 01:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

Late one night on the set of Francis Martin's "Tillie and Gus", W. C. Fields found himself shooting a scene in a diver's costume. According to the script something had gone wrong and Fields was to be hauled up in a diver's bell, half dead, and then gasp, "is there a doctor in the house?"

Instead of uttering the scripted line, however, Fields pointed at his gigantic diving footwear and exclaimed: "[Boxer] Primo Carnera's carpet slippers!"

Fields was promptly reprimanded for changing the line. "Why? That's funny," he replied. "Everybody knows about Carnera's big feet."

Nonetheless, with the hour approaching midnight, it was agreed that the scene should be reshot. Coming up a second time, Fields pointed to his feet again and quipped: "Charlie Frobisher's bedroom slippers!"

Again, he was scolded for changing the line. "What's the matter with you?" Fields cried. "Don't you know the name 'Charlie Frobisher' always gets a laugh? People will howl at it!"

The director, astonished by Fields's terrible judgement, began to wonder whether he was losing his mind.

As the clock struck midnight, Fields was sent into the tank again. Upon rising this time, he promptly spoke the proper line and went home.

The explanation soon became apparent: Fields's contract stipulated that he be paid an $800 bonus every time he worked past midnight! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-08-2006 02:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

When Gene Hackman was cast to play Lex Luthor in Superman (in 1978), he agreed to wear a fake bald headcap, but refused to get rid of his bushy moustache.

Dick Donner, the film's director, was not amused. Luthor, he complained, was supposed to be clean- shaven.

"That," Hackman retorted, "is your problem!"

In a desperate bid to persuade him to shave, Donner visited Hackman in makeup one day and offered him a modest proposal: If he would get rid of his treasured moustache, Donner himself would follow suit - right then and there.

Eventually, Hackman agreed and was soon clean-shaven - whereupon Donner plucked from his face... a fake moustache!

After a moment of incredulous anger, Hackman joined Donner in a round of laughter. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-08-2006 02:29 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

During the production of "The Blue Lagoon", Brooke Shields' handlers, concerned about the film's nudity, sought assurances that nothing untoward would appear on screen.

The producers, having made a solemn promise, endeavored to keep it in a novel fashion: by having the young star's hair glued to her breasts. [Big Grin]

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