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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Condoms.

   
Author Topic: Condoms.
Bernard Tonks
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 619
From: Cranleigh, Surrey, England
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 09-22-2005 04:56 AM      Profile for Bernard Tonks   Email Bernard Tonks   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated 'PG' [Big Grin]

Dinner with the Girlfriends Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the-pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. [sex]

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whisper back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." [Embarrassed]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-29-2006 10:19 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]


Three Ladies

Three ladies are having tea and talking about life.


"I think my husband is having an affair" says the first "I found a pair of panties in his jacket pocket".

"What did you do" the second lady asked?

"I went into his office over the weekend and I stapled them to his office door, right where his secretary, co-workers, and boss would all see them."

The second lady said "I think that my husband is having an affair also. I found a condom in his jacket pocket."

"What did you do" the first lady asked.

"I took a pin and pricked it full of holes and then I put it back" said the second lady.

The third lady fainted. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-29-2006 10:21 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] George

Did you hear about the idiot that put the ice cubes in his condom?

He wanted to keep the swelling down. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-29-2006 10:23 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Written on a Condom Machine in the Men's Room:


"My dad says these don't work."

"If it's too long, cut the tip off."

"If the machine doesn't work, turn to the porter. If it does, turn to the waitresses."

Written on a condom vending machine with a "Tested to British Safety Standards" sign on it: "So was the Titanic!!!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-29-2006 05:04 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy.He thought what he had seen was way too cool.He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female,so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.She asked him to drop his pants and he did.She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,then picked up the intercom and said...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Cleanup, Register 5" [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 10-26-2007 01:17 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 575 days since the last post.


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Bernard Tonks
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 619
From: Cranleigh, Surrey, England
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 10-26-2007 01:17 PM      Profile for Bernard Tonks   Email Bernard Tonks   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated 'PG' [Smile]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home
having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and
continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that
she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her
kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 11-27-2017 04:00 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 3685 days since the last post.


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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 672
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 11-27-2017 04:00 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, and
had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness, and kindness, to all.

One afternoon the pastor went to call on her, and she showed
him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was
filled with water, and, on top of the water floated, of all things, a CONDOM!

Returning with fresh tea, and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and
he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this? Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes", she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. Reading the directions, they said to place it on the organ,keep it moist, and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter!"

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