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Author Topic: French Jokes
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-01-2005 04:46 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Jacques Chirac telephones George Bush with a frantic plea for help…”Mr. President, we have been informed by our scientists that a giant meteor is headed straight for French, and unless something is done, it will strike France in 8 hours and completely destroy our country! Please help us by aiming all of your ballistic missiles at it to help us eliminate this threat before it’s too late!!”

You are President Bush, what do you do?

A) Stay up late and watch it happen on TV… or…

B) Tape it and watch it in the morning [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-01-2005 04:48 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Quotable Quotes

French. They taste like chicken!"

---- Hannibal Lecter



"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."

---Mark Twain



"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

--- General George S. Patton



"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

--Norman Schwartzkopf



"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

---Rush Limbaugh

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3832
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000


 - posted 09-03-2005 08:02 PM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] from Dave Huskinson:

Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time.

Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.

Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crow is quoted as saying "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be OK throughout France." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-07-2005 09:27 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH




* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.

* Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.

* You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.

* If there's a war you can surrender really early.

* You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.

* You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.

* You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.

* Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.

* You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.

* People think you're a great lover even when you're not. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-07-2005 09:29 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."

The raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, thereby disabling its military. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 09-07-2005 09:31 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Where is the best place to hide money form a frenchman?

Under his soap, of course! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-14-2005 10:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

French Jokes!



Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.

Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?
A. So the French government could to flee to London.

Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun

Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German

Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-16-2006 11:35 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."

--Alan Kent

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-27-2006 08:12 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-14-2006 10:42 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile] Bruce


A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many." [Big Grin]

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 650
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 12-04-2006 04:13 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG....

A man goes to the Le Cinq in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1968 Mouton Rothschild. The waiter returns with a decanter full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1968 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager of the hotel trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1968 Mouton.

Finally someone asks him how he knows, it is not the 1968 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I made the wine."

Finally the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc-Milon 1968. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1968 Mouton. Sir, you even own Clerc-Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another in the other, and smell the difference that a small matter of geographic location will give."

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Gilles Elbhar
Film Handler

Posts: 21
From: pavillons sous bois / France
Registered: Mar 2006


 - posted 12-05-2006 08:52 AM      Profile for Gilles Elbhar   Author's Homepage   Email Gilles Elbhar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well,

You forget to say in 1789 french government give money
to help USA to be free...

You forget to say, in 2002, that french government reduce job time and the salary of people. (My salary was 12000FF and 10 years after become 9500FF.)

Then profetional evoultion was stoped. The french government impose many taxe to people. So many people go on strike.
With social help some people have better situation than french citizen.

Jacques Chirac is a old man, and will be replaced in a couple of month.

Paris is a hard city for many people. French people are like many
other natural people. they use american food and movie. You are welcome to check by yourself what France is.
After that, you can speak from what you know, with realism.

Thanks.
Gilles (French projectionit)

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