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Author Topic: Theatre
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 07:17 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Theatrical Structure

Producer:


Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

Director:

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.

Playwright:

Leaps short buildings with a running start.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.


Actor:


Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.

Chorus:


Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.

Stage Manager


Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the track.
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
IS GOD. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 08-12-2005 07:20 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Theatrical Logic


In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in
And of course-
Left is right and right is left
A drop shouldn't and a
Block and fall does neither
A prop doesn't and
A cove has no water
Tripping is OK
A running crew rarely gets anywhere
A purchase line buys you nothing
A trap will not catch anything
A gridiron has nothing to do with football
Strike is work (In fact a lot of work)
And a green room, thank god, usually isn't
Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms,
Break a leg.
But not really. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 08-12-2005 07:21 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Principles For the Actor


Do not listen to your fellow actors (it will only throw you).
Hold for all laughs -- if you don't get it, repeat line louder (face front if necessary, or laugh at it yourself).
Tension gets results.
Emotion is like an orange, you must squeeze it to get the juice.
A performance, like concrete, should be molded then set.
Your first responsibility as an actor is to find the light.
Do not look at your partner -- You may not see what you want.
Always be specific, point to what you are talking about.
If a line isn't working for you, change it.
Cultivate an attitude of hostility. (NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY)
Stage Managers are not actors -- Ignore them.
Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention.
Mistakes are never your fault.
Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or insignificant.
Never arrive on time.
Never carry make-up; someone will always have what you need.
Help Stage Managers keep alert by not signing in.
Never help understudies (why should they steal your business?).
Help your fellow actors by giving notes whenever you feel it's necessary. (If they ignore you, report them to the Stage Manager.)
Whenever possible, give them notes immediately before they go on -- it will be fresher that way.
Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language.
Keep other performers on their toes by making fun of their performance.
Play the reality -- be aware of the audience.
The key advantage is surprise -- don't let actors know what you're going to do.
The difference between amateur and pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.
Create your character -- find your own costume.
Never change anything that's working, no matter how wrong or phony it may seem.
When in doubt about an ad-lib, go "Whoo!"
Even if a piece of schtick doesn't work, keep using it.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 07:23 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Signs You've Been in the Theatre Too Much


Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
"Q" is not just a letter.
National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you.
You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room."
You can only read from a light that is blue.
You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."
You can't remember what daylight looks like.
You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your Maglite, Leatherman, and Gerber.
You know tie-line has several uses---shoelaces, belts, ponytail holders...
95% of your wardrobe is black.
You watch the Super Bowl, waiting for intermission, not half-time.
You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly.
You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop.
You know anything can be fixed with gaff tape, Mortite, sculpt-er-coat, a sharpie, tie-line, and a safety pin.
Your diet consists of fast food or microwaved food.
Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaff tape.
Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left hand instead of your right.
You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway.
You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er".
People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.
Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the drive-thru.
You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on Chicago Hope.
"Practical," "Drop," and "flat" are nouns.
Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're "exiting."
At home, you "strike" your dishes to the kitchen.
If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, "Half hour 'til half hour." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 07:27 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Jokes About Stage Managers

Good news, Bad news

Two stage managers, nearing the ends of their careers, were discussing the likelihood of there being some form of theatrical endeavor in the hereafter. The first consulted a friendly medium. Later the following exchange took place between the two stage managers:

SM1: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a wonderful theatre in heaven -- well equipped, spacious, plenty of wing space. In fact, there's a show opening tomorrow night."

SM2: "That's wonderful! So what's the bad news?"

SM1: "You're calling the show."

The Perfect Blackout

An old stage manager arrived at the Pearly Gates. As a reward for years of patience, discretion, and endeavour, St. Peter granted him a single wish.

"I've never seen a perfect blackout -- can that be arranged?" he asked.

St. Peter snapped his fingers, and the darkness descended. There was not a hint of spill from worklights or prompt corner. There was total silence, not a whisper, not a footstep, not a pin drop -- just complete silence and total darkness. It lasted 18 seconds.

When the lights came up again, St. Peter was gone and the Pearly Gates had been struck.

Breaktime

Q: Why don't they give stage managers breaks?

A: Because it's too hard to re-train them.

Pencils

Q: How many pencils does a stage manager have?

A: One. They can draw another one out of their hair if they lose it.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 07:29 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Some Lightbulb Jokes



Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Complain to the director at notes.


Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it!


Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Pull the technical director off of a set installation to deal with it.


Q: How many technical directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it.


Q: How many master electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a props problem.


Q: How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp?

Q: How many theatre critics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: All of them - 1 to be highly critical of the design elements, 1 to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, 1 to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, 1 to critique the performance of the bulb itself, 1 to recall superb lightbulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep.

Q: How many theatre students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Erm, what's the deadline, cos I may need an extension.

Q: How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to do it, one child to cry and another to say, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."

Q: How many interns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It doesn't matter because you'll have to do it again anyway.

Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3...no, make that 4...on second thought 3... well, better make it 5 just to be safe.

Q: How many assistant directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But he/she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.

Q: How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Why do we need another lightbulb?

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Where's IATSE?

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's on my list...It's on my list...

Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, once he puts down the donut and coffee.

Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty-five and a minimum of four hours, you got a @!%#&@ problem with that?

Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: LAMP! It's called a LAMP you idiot!

Q: How many lighting designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Where's my assistant?

Q: How many technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and figure out how to get inside it.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Doesn't the stage manager do that?

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They can never find their light.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 07:30 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Eek!]

You know...I worked in the theatre for five years before I learned that "Fucking Electricians" was really TWO words. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 08:18 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Theatre terms


Eternity -

The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line

Prop -

A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it is needed on stage

Director -

The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review

Blocking -

The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want to argue with you.

Blocking Rehearsal -

A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be nowhere in evidence by opening night

Quality Theater -
Any show with which you were directly involved

Turkey -

Every show with which you were not directly involved

Dress Rehearsal -

Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening.

Tech Week -

The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as "hell" week.

Set -

An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space

Monologue -

That bright, shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him

Dark Night -

The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the actors and crew can go home and get some well deserved rest, and instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal

Bit Part -

An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.

Green Room -

Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go on stage and the precocious children whose actor parents couldn't get a baby-sitter that night,a situation which can result in justifiable homicide

Dark Spot -

An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light,and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor.A dark spot is never evident before opening night.

Hands -

Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously, or try to hide in your pockets

Stage Manager -

Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea

Lighting Director -
Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong

Makeup Kit -

(1) Among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops
(2) For first-time male actors, a helpless look and anything they can borrow

The Forebrain -

The part of an actors brain which contains lines, blocking and characterization; activated by hot lights

The Hindbrain -

The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running subtext in the background, while the forebrain is trying to act. The hindbrain supplies a constant stream of unwanted information. Such as who is sitting in the second row tonight, a notation to seriously maim the crew member who thought it would be funny to put real Tabasco sauce in the fake Bloody Marys, or the fact that you need to do laundry on Sunday.

Stage Crew -
Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic

Message Play -
Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile," "a challenge to actors and audience alike," or "designed to make the audiencethink." Critics will be impressed both by the daring material and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have the house all to themselves.

Bedroom Farce -
Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of which feature the phrase "typical community theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow crowds.

Assistant Director -

Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on one with the brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take out a contract on.

Set Piece -

Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor
themselves to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from seeing that they actually have legs

Strike -

The time immediately following the last performance while all cast and crew members are required to stay and dismantle (or watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers) dismantle the set.

Actors (As defined by a set designer) -

People who stand between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view. That's also the origin of the word "blocking," by the way

Stage Right, Stage Left -
Two simple directions actors pretend not to understand in order to drive directors crazy. ("No, no, your OTHER stage right!") [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 08:22 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Q and A


Q: What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and an amateur dramatic chorus?

A: The tennis final has more men.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

How do you drive an actress crazy? Hide her hairbrush

Q: How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics?

A: The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.

Why don't they give the Chorus coffee breaks?

It's such a pain to retrain them afterwards.

Q: Why did the actor stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why can't many vocalists get through the door?

A: They either can't find the key or don't know when to come in.

Q:What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?

A:The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Just Remember: "It's only Amateur Theater until it offends someone ... then it's ART!"

Q: How do you drown an Actress?

A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?

A: An Amateur Theatre electrician [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 08:28 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

An actor, a costumer and a stage manager found an old bottle in a pile of junk backstage. The actor rubbed it against her sleeve, and poof! A genie appeared.

"You got me fair & square," the genie said. "So you each get one wish."

"I want a world tour in a starring role," the actor wished.

"Granted," said the genie. Poof! The actor was off on her tour.

"I want a yacht and unlimited funds to cruise the exotic ports of the world," said the costumer.

"Granted," said the genie. Poof! The costumer was off on his tour.

The stage manager rubbed his chin, and thought a minute. "I want them back after lunch." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 08:35 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A Doctor, a Judge, and an Actor go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting at the Pearly Gates. He welcomes the doctor and lists his many good deeds, allieviating suffering, saving lives, etc. The gates swing open, trumpets sound, angels sing, and the doctor walks on through.

The Judge is next. St. Peter says some nice things about his wife and kids, the merit of devoting one's life to serving justice, etc. The gates swing opens, trumpets sound, angels sing, and the Judge walks on through.

St. Peter turns to the actor, and talks at great length about the many people he's brought happiness to, benefits he's participated in etc. "Now if you'll just go round to the back, that green door is the kitchen." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-12-2005 08:38 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

An old stage manager arrived at the Pearly Gates.

As a reward for years of patience, discretion,and endeavor, St. Peter granted him a single wish.

"I've never seen a perfect blackout - can that be arranged?" he asked.

St. Peter snapped his fingers, and the darkness descended. There was not a hint of spill from worklights or prompt corner. There was total silence, not a whisper, not a footstep, not a pin drop - just complete silence and total darkness. It lasted 18 seconds.

When the lights came up again, St.Peter was gone and the Pearly Gates had been struck. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-13-2006 08:16 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

An actress was describing a new play to a friend.

"There's no scenery at all. In the first scene, I'm on the stage and the audience has to imagine I'm in a crowded restaurant."

"And the second night," the friend said, "you'll have to imagine there's an audience out front." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-03-2006 10:20 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Bruce

There was a fire in the boarding house where all the chorus girls from a nearby burlesque theater stayed during showruns.

It took firemen three hours to put the fire out.

Then it took the police three more hours to put the firemen out. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-02-2006 02:37 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

I had a part in a community-theatre production of Equus, and although we had speaking roles, six of us also had to fill in as horses several times a night.

As I was leaving home on my way to opening night, my wife called out, "I'd say break a leg, but you know what they do to horses." [Big Grin]

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