Film-Tech Cinema Systems
Film-Tech Forum


Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | my password | register | search | faq & rules | forum home
  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » TOURISTS

   
Author Topic: TOURISTS
Frank Jerkic
Film Handler

Posts: 77
From: Ayr Queensland Australia
Registered: May 2004


 - posted 06-18-2004 07:17 AM      Profile for Frank Jerkic   Author's Homepage   Email Frank Jerkic   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
[thumbsup]

 |  IP: Logged

Carl Martin
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1377
From: Berkeley, CA, USA
Registered: Feb 2002


 - posted 06-19-2004 12:48 PM      Profile for Carl Martin   Author's Homepage   Email Carl Martin   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
[Confused]

 |  IP: Logged

Jack Ondracek
Film God

Posts: 2243
From: Port Orchard, WA, USA
Registered: Oct 2002


 - posted 06-19-2004 02:07 PM      Profile for Jack Ondracek   Author's Homepage   Email Jack Ondracek   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
[sleep]

 |  IP: Logged

Frank Jerkic
Film Handler

Posts: 77
From: Ayr Queensland Australia
Registered: May 2004


 - posted 06-24-2004 09:01 PM      Profile for Frank Jerkic   Author's Homepage   Email Frank Jerkic   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
* * *
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
* * *
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
* * *
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
* * *
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
* * *
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
* * *
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here & we'll send the rest of the directions.
* * *
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
* * *
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

* * *
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
* * *
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney & is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
* * *
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

* * *
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

don't forget SAY NO TO PLASTIC BAGS.

You are the ONLY you on this earth!

 |  IP: Logged

System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 02-12-2006 01:33 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 597 days since the last post.


 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-12-2006 01:33 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." [Big Grin]

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-12-2006 01:35 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say Sem Ting." [Big Grin]

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-12-2006 01:40 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.They,as can be expected,gladly accepted,and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And
how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly."The flight
was exciting and the room was lovely," she said."I've come to thank you.But,one thing puzzled me.Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?" [Big Grin]

 |  IP: Logged

System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 05-15-2012 10:51 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 2283 days since the last post.


 |  IP: Logged

Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 650
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 05-15-2012 10:51 AM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG...

HELGA'S CRUISE SHIP DIARY

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this
"all-girls" trip.

It will be my first one, and I can't wait!

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the
Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at
piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2,600 lives. Twice.

 |  IP: Logged



All times are Central (GMT -6:00)  
Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic    Move Topic    Delete Topic    next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:



Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.3.1.2

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.

© 1999-2018 Film-Tech Cinema Systems, LLC. All rights reserved.