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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  116  117  118 
 
Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-18-2004 09:36 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Michele

spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.

Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay.

"Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-18-2004 09:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

"Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-18-2004 10:41 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Lorraine

Some funeral guests,noticing that there was an absence of flowers,went up to the grieving widow to express their condolences.

They graciously also informed her that,as per request,a donation would be made to a local charity in lieu of flowers.

With a puzzled look upon her face,she retorted that there were no flowers because her husband had been allergic to flowers. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-19-2004 11:40 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Sue Bee


It's Proven.

The less you do, the less you can do wrong. Sure you do less right as well But some things have to be sacrificed in the pursuit of excellence. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-19-2004 11:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!] Michele


At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.

"I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"

"Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-19-2004 11:48 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Michele

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.

Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-19-2004 11:53 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A young man was walking past an old woman on a street corner, when she said, "Son, if it is not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-19-2004 11:58 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A guy went for an audition for a small role in a movie. The interviewer asked, "Do you have any acting experiences?"

He said, "Yeah, I acted in an insect spray commercial before."

The interviewer was surprised and said, "No wonder you looked so familiar!"

The guy replied back, "Yeah? I was the cockroach." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-19-2004 12:00 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

"WE'LL CALL YOUR NAME WHEN YOUR TABLE IS READY" GAME


This is fun. When you get to the restaurant, you give your name to be called for when your table is ready. Just use a made-up last name that will sound funny when they call your name and they add party to it. The others, waiting for tables, will hear your weird name plus party and will break out in various degrees of smiles, laughter, and chatter.

Now, if you're daring (only for certain names---see below), you can tell the laughers et al, "That's not funny! I'm tired of people laughing at me. My whole life is one big joke! They've done it from first grade to the standby list at the airport. You take the name and then laugh! I'm sick of you people, Sick! Sick! Sick!" Then, storm off in disgust with the person taking you and your guests to your table. But, tell your guide to your table it was just a funny ruse to brighten up the waiting area.

This thing is for the real jokester and takes some guts, but I know, most of you readers can do it!

Example: So, when your table is ready, you'll hear the caller say, "Smith, party of 4, your table is ready." Just make sure that you give them the correct number of people at your table.

Remember, they don't know you, so you can use any name you want. Be creative, be gutsy, be funny, Just Do it!

Here are some goodies, as examples to try, or, make up your own!

Nayket, party of 4, your table is ready. Maynage, party of 3, your table is ready. Linching, party of 3,...etc. Bierr, party of 4... Pardi, party of 4... Berthday, party of 2... Drunkenn, party of 4... Blasted, party of 3... Frankenstein, party of 4... Goofuss, party of 3... Pissingg, party of 4... Loozer, party of 4... Trump, party of 4... Warr, party of 3... Sik, party of 4... Prevert, party of 3... Lewinsky, party of 2... Pizza, party of 4... Buzzard, party of 3... Salami, party of 3... Bachelor, party of 5... Borring, party of 4... Dubya, party of 4... [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-19-2004 12:11 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-21-2004 10:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

The Passenger Tapped The Cab Driver On The Shoulder To Ask Him Something.The Driver Screamed, Lost Control Of The Car, Nearly Hit A Bus, Went Up OnThe Sidewalk,And Stopped Inches From A Department Store Window.

For A Second Everything Went Quiet In The Cab, Then The Driver Said, "Look Mister,Don't Ever Do That Again.You Scared Me Half To Death!"

The Passenger Apologized And Said He Didn't Realize That A Little Tap CouldScare Him So Much. The Driver Replied,"You're Right.I'm Sorry. Really,It's Not Your Fault.Today Is My First Day As A Cab Driver.I've BeenDriving a Hearse for 25 Years.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-21-2004 10:15 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Janine

A research organization studying juvenile delinquency phoned fifty homes between nine-thirty and ten-thirty at night to ask parents if they knew where their children were. Half of the calls were answered by children who had no idea where their parents were. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-21-2004 10:16 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

I was having dinner at a local steak house recently and overheard the waitress ask the man at the table next to me,sir, did you find your steak o.k.?

Yes replied the customer, I moved a couple of fries, and there it was. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-23-2004 12:44 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.While the barber is foaming him up,he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-23-2004 01:15 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

CELIBACY can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain environmental encounters.

While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,
"Robin Hood All-purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy. [Big Grin]

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