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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Musical

   
Author Topic: Musical
Gunnar Johansson
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 181
From: Gothenburg, Sweden
Registered: Mar 2003


 - posted 04-08-2004 05:58 AM      Profile for Gunnar Johansson   Author's Homepage   Email Gunnar Johansson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

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Gunnar Johansson
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 181
From: Gothenburg, Sweden
Registered: Mar 2003


 - posted 04-08-2004 05:59 AM      Profile for Gunnar Johansson   Author's Homepage   Email Gunnar Johansson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."

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Gunnar Johansson
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 181
From: Gothenburg, Sweden
Registered: Mar 2003


 - posted 04-08-2004 05:59 AM      Profile for Gunnar Johansson   Author's Homepage   Email Gunnar Johansson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't

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Gunnar Johansson
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 181
From: Gothenburg, Sweden
Registered: Mar 2003


 - posted 04-08-2004 06:00 AM      Profile for Gunnar Johansson   Author's Homepage   Email Gunnar Johansson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

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Gunnar Johansson
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 181
From: Gothenburg, Sweden
Registered: Mar 2003


 - posted 04-08-2004 06:00 AM      Profile for Gunnar Johansson   Author's Homepage   Email Gunnar Johansson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.

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Clint Koch
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1435
From: San Luis Obispo, CA, USA
Registered: Feb 2002


 - posted 04-08-2004 11:32 AM      Profile for Clint Koch   Email Clint Koch   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 09-04-2005 10:35 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 513 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-04-2005 10:35 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!]

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians, With Their Translated "Country" Definitions


12 Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville

Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie

Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

Bass -- The things you run around in softball

Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.

Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives

Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone

Clarinet -- Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

Clef -- What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off

Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

Cut Time -- Parole

Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"

Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad

Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"

Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see

Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul

Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor -- A girlfriend

Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you

Ritard -- There's one in every family

Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Tempo -- Good choice for a used car

Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses

Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but

Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-04-2005 10:37 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

There is a story about a maestro who got so angry at a 2nd violinist he stabbed him with his baton. He was convicted of murder and sentenced to be electrocuted.

On the appointed day he was taken to the chair and strapped in. For his last request he asked for a banana. After he ate it, they threw the switch and nothing happened. They took him away while they checked the equipment, and said they would try again tomorrow. The next day, same thing: eat banana, throw switch, nothing happens, check equipment.

The 3rd day when he requested the banana the warden refused. They threw the switch, and again nothing happened. The warden was distraught, and the maestro started to laugh. "What's so funny" asked the warden. "You'll never electrocute me" said the maestro defiantly. "And why not" the warden asked. And the reply came, "Because I am a bad conductor"! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-04-2005 10:39 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

And then there was the story about the musician who died and went to heaven.

St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates, to take him on his tour of heaven.

The musician asked if there was an orchestra in heaven.

St. Peter replied "Yes we have the most wonderful orchestra, and there is a seat reserved for you. They will be rehearsing in a few minutes, we can go there right now."

When they arrived the musician was overwhelmed, all the greats were there warming up. Pagannini was the concertmaster, Casals was the principal cello, Lizst was preparing to rehearse one of his concertos, and on and on it went.

Then there was a hush as the maestro emerged. The musician was surprised that he didn't recognise him. He was expecting one of the greats to be conducting, and instead it was an old man with a grey beard.

"Who is our conductor", he asked St. Peter.

And Peter replyed,"Oh, that's God,He thinks he's Von Karajan" [Big Grin]

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