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Author Topic: French Jokes
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2003 06:11 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

PARIS, France --
The French government announced today that
it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney until further notice
following last night's fireworks display that caused more than
1,000 soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender to
the Disney authorities. [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 10-14-2004 12:29 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 471 days since the last post.


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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3833
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000


 - posted 10-14-2004 12:29 PM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] from Dave

Trap!

A large group of French soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One United States Soldier is better than ten Frenchmen!"

The French commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One United States Soldier is better than one hundred Frenchmen!"

Furious, the French commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again "One United States Soldier is better than one thousand Frenchmen!"

The enraged French Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets, and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded French fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them!" [Smile]

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3833
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000


 - posted 10-14-2004 12:33 PM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

The Complete Military History of France

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War. Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage." [Smile]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-21-2005 10:29 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Jacques Chirac telephones George Bush with a frantic plea for help…”Mr. President, we have been informed by our scientists that a giant meteor is headed straight for French, and unless something is done, it will strike France in 8 hours and completely destroy our country! Please help us by aiming all of your ballistic missiles at it to help us eliminate this threat before it’s too late!!”

You are President Bush, what do you do?

A) Stay up late and watch it happen on TV… or…

B) Tape it and watch it in the morning

French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter



"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain



"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton



"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

--Norman Schwartzkopf



"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh


[Big Grin]

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3833
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000


 - posted 06-03-2005 03:48 PM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G for Gaul [Smile]

Travel Guidelines for American Tourists

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of Ste. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5am and 5.20am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.

Thank you and good luck. [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 02-27-2007 09:33 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 633 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-27-2007 09:33 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Sally

French Jokes (don't tell me they don't deserve it - of course they do - and more!)

Jacques Chirac may think he's the funniest man in Europe after launching his tirade against the state of British cuisine.

But the truth is that some of the funniest jokes are about the French...

Q: Why do French men have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.

Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in World War II?
A: "Table for 100,000 M'sieur?"

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. Chirac. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Q: How do you say: "Give me liberty or give me death" in French?
A: I give up.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.

Q: What do you get when a grenade is thrown into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blownapart.

Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.

Q: Where is the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.

The Tour de France is so popular in France because its the one sport where you don't need balls.

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 10-30-2011 12:48 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 1705 days since the last post.


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Jeremy Jorgenson
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1002
From: Chicago, IL, USA
Registered: Feb 2005


 - posted 10-30-2011 12:48 AM      Profile for Jeremy Jorgenson   Author's Homepage   Email Jeremy Jorgenson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Situation: There are two cats in a contest to swim. One is called the "One Two Three" cat, and the other is called the "Un Deux Trois" cat.

Question: Who won?

Answer: The "One Two Three" cat because the "Un Deux Trois" cat sank.

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Reece Black
Film Handler

Posts: 59
From: Canberra, Australia
Registered: Oct 2001


 - posted 01-12-2012 10:11 PM      Profile for Reece Black   Email Reece Black   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Caesar marches into France and defeats their army overwhelmingly. He calls a senate meeting and announces "I have defeated the French, I have slain 50,000 men, I am the great Caesar".
Brutus, who had ambitions, decides to go to France and see for himself. He comes back and calls his own senate meeting, he proclaims, "Caesar, it is true you have marched on France, it is true defeated the French, however, you only killed 25,000 men not 50,000 as you have said, what do you reply to this?".
Caesar says "Brutus, you forget, in Europe away Gauls are worth 2".

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John Wilson
Film God

Posts: 5431
From: Sydney, Australia.
Registered: Dec 1999


 - posted 01-16-2012 07:28 PM      Profile for John Wilson   Email John Wilson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and Toast?

A: You can make soldiers out of toast.

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