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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Bad Jokes! (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3 
 
Author Topic: Bad Jokes!
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-03-2003 11:22 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown] Boo!



An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew now is busy winding up the estate. [Frown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-03-2003 11:25 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Frown] Yuck!

Q: Secretary : "May I use your dictaphone?"

A: Boss: "No. Use your finger like everyone else." [Frown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-03-2003 12:15 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Frown]

A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state.

She says,"Doctor,I think I'm turning into a horse!"

The doctor,taken aback,replies,"I'm sure you may have SOME
problem,but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."

The woman became more insistent and said,"Doctor,look at my
teeth.They're getting bigger and more yellow!"

The doctor calmly replied,"Yes,I see. Your teeth appear a bit
larger and more yellow than your last visit,but I don't think
you're turning into a horse."

Getting more frustrated,the woman said,"Well,I think I'm
getting a mane!Look at all this hair on the back of my neck.
It's grown 5 inches in ONE WEEK!"

Becoming more concerned,the doctor said,"You're NOT turning
into a horse.We'll just shave your neck occasionally."

At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking
faster and louder."Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big.I'm developing HOOVES!"

The doctor in amazement cried,"Holy cow!I've never seen finger
and toe nails THAT big!"

Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said,"And look at this,doctor.My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"

The doctor looked in amazement,then started scribbling on a
small piece of paper.

The woman asked,"Are you writing me a prescription?"

The doctor said,"No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall.Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take shit in the street!" [Frown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-04-2003 09:57 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown]

If you live in a glass house, don't get stoned. [Frown] [thumbsdown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-04-2003 10:05 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown]

Mr. Humpty, the president of Dumpty, Inc., said:

"Spring and Summer were rather slow but I have a feeling I'm in for a big fall" [Frown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-04-2003 11:29 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown]

Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of
happiness. They should have given us a few clues as to where to
look. [Frown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-04-2003 11:37 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Frown]

The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit. [Frown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-04-2003 01:05 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown] Sue Bee

When you're a parent you're a prisoner of war.


You can't go anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your kids.

In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents an hour, and they'd steam clean the carpet and detail your car.

Now they've got their own union. I couldn't afford it, so I asked my mother to come over.

The sitters called her a scab and beat her up on the front lawn.
[Frown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-05-2003 06:14 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown] Don't Read this Joke ...It's Bad

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!" [Frown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-05-2003 07:33 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown] Yuck! Shame on Sue Bee

Several years ago "The Staten Island Advance" had this headline
about a drug case that the Supreme Court was about to review:

HIGH COURT TO HEAR DRUG CASE

Need I say more? [Frown]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-06-2003 09:36 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] popo

There's a man trying to cross the street.As he steps off the
curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight
for him.The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street,but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back,but the car changes lanes
again and is still coming at him.

By now,the car is so close and the man so scared that he just
freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel says to the man says,"See,it's not as easy as it
looks,is it?" [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-08-2003 09:51 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown] Baby Blues

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop!
Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The
man was astonished, but he went on.

After awhile he was going to cross the street. Once again the
voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came screeching
around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And just where were you when I got
married?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-10-2003 07:12 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Cool]

VA man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a
birthday/anniversary card.

The clerk replied,"We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards.Why not take one of each?"

The man said,"You don't understand. I need a card that covers
both events. You see, we're celebrating the 25th anniversary of my wife's thirty-ninth birthday!" [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-10-2003 07:34 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown] Lorraine

"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows." [Roll Eyes]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-10-2003 10:44 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown] Lorraine

A man walked into an office building after parking his car.When
he gets on the elevator, he says "Oh no! I left my bagpipes in my car! Somebody might steal them!"

Back to the car he runs, and sure enough,when he gets to his car the back window is smashed out.

But, when he looks in the back seat, he finds four more sets of bagpipes. [Eek!]

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