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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Family (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Family
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-23-2003 08:48 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G ...................Pat

THE OTHER WOMAN


After 21 years of marriage, I discovered a new way of keeping
alive the spark of love. A little while ago I had started to go
out with another woman.It was really my wife's idea. "I know that you love her," she said one day, taking me by surprise.
"But I love YOU," I protested. "I know, but you also love her."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother,
who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only
occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and movie.
"What's wrong, are you well," she asked?My mother is the type
of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise
invitation is a sign of bad news. "I thought that it would be
pleasant to pass some time with you, "I responded. "Just the two
of us."She thought about it for a moment then said "I would like
that very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a
bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she,
too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door
with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the
dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding
anniversary.She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an
angel's. "I told my friends that I was going to go out with my
son,and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the
car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting".

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu.Her eyes could only read large print.Half way through the entrie,I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me.A nostalgic smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said. "Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I respond.During the dinner we had an agreeable conversation - nothing extraordinary - but catching up on recent events of each others life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.As we arrived at her house later, she said
"I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you". I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home."Very
nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later my mother died of a massive heart attack. It
happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything
for her. Some time later I received an envelope with a copy of a
restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I was almost sure that I couldn't be there but, never-the-less, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for you wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you."

At that moment I understood the importance of saying,in time: "I LOVE YOU" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.

Nothing in life ismore important than God and your family. Give
them the time they deserve,because these things cannot be put off to "some other time".

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Bill Gabel
Film God

Posts: 3873
From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA
Registered: Jan 2002


 - posted 07-09-2003 08:42 PM      Profile for Bill Gabel   Email Bill Gabel   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
THE MOTHER-IN-LAW Rated PG

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explans that they can ship the body home but it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150. The guy says, " We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Bill Gabel
Film God

Posts: 3873
From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA
Registered: Jan 2002


 - posted 07-09-2003 09:25 PM      Profile for Bill Gabel   Email Bill Gabel   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The Wonders of the Modern World Rated PG

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time ine their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw , but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, " Son, I dunno. I ain't ever seen anything like that in my entire life; I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

Ok, so this is every mans dream! While the boys and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the ladyrolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a [Eek!] gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-14-2003 02:20 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

MOTHERS' MAINTENANCE MANUAL


Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers
and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we
expect our mothers to last for a lifetime. Maybe we need a
maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care
of them at least as well as we do our automobiles. Here are some
items that might be included in such a manual.

Engine:

A mother's engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can
find. She can reach top speed from a prone position at a single
cry from a sleeping child.But regular breaks are needed to keep
up that peak performance.Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every
100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles,and a live-in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.

Battery:

Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly.Handmade items,
notes,unexpected hugs and kisses,and frequent "I love you's"
will do very well! for a recharge.

Carburetor:

When a mother's carburetor floods it should be treated
immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.

Brakes:

See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a
full stop occasionally.(A squeaking sound indicates a need for a
rest).

Fuel:

Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, leftovers and
salads,but an occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant
will really add to her efficiency.

Chassis:

Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained.
Regular exercise should be encouraged and provided for as
necessary.A change in hairdo or makeup in spring and fall are
also helpful.If you notice the chassis begins to sag,
immediately start a program of walking,jogging,swimming,or
bike riding.These are most effective when done with fathers.

Tune-ups:

Mother need regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest
and most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.

Oh yes, and let's not forget to speak to mother lovingly and
respectfully, especially when she reminds you to drive carefully
and have a good time.

If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic
creation and gift from God, whom we call "MOTHER", should
last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those
who need her most. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-18-2003 12:03 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile] sonata

Make Me An Uncle!


Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother
and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient,"C'mon Stan, I want a nephew.Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore.He gave his sister-in-law an
apologetic look and asked his brother,"You're SURE you want a
nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied."It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations,you're holding him!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-22-2003 10:22 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a
policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you
tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized her laugh!" [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 05-16-2005 01:23 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 664 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-16-2005 01:23 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!]

My wife's mother is the model mother-in-law.

What do you mean?

There is no joke in the entire world which is not suitable for her. [Big Grin]

Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?

Yes, if you wrap an iron in it. [Big Grin]

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

How is she now ?

She's fine. But, the dog died. [Eek!]

Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pond which has some crocodiles in it.

The crocodiles are yours, so you'll have to save them.

A pharmacist tell a customer.

- In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription.
A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough. [Big Grin]

Mother to daughter.

Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law. [Big Grin]

[ 03-13-2008, 08:50 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-16-2005 01:35 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G to R [Smile]

In-Law Shorties


The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner."

"Good." replied the husband, "Make sure she's well done."

My mother-in-law's other car is a Broom!

My mother-in-law said to me, "I'll dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."

My mother-in-law is a well balanced person. She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders

I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.

My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years,
Then we met each other.

Last night the local peeping-tom knocked on my mother-in-laws' door, and asked her to shut her blinds.

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Does it really surprise anyone that mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

How is she now?

She's fine, but the dog died.

My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantle piece (shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."

I don't say my mother-in-law is ugly ... but round our way, the peeping toms are giving themselves up to the police.

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"

I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves in the traps.

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door .

What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?

The vulture waits 'til you are dead before it eats your heart out.

Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag.

I said, "No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law."

How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike?

If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!

A pharmacist tell a customer.

In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.

Mother to daughter.

Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.

Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-13-2005 07:13 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

ANATOMY OF A MOTHER



THE HEAD --
Often covered with hair, the head should have all the essential parts:

EARS -- Ears should be well-placed, incredibly attuned to a child's utterings- i.e. "you suck!", even when spoken under the breath and in another room. Yet strong enough to tune out the loudest music of "Hootie and the Blowfish" when preparing dinner.

EYES -- Eyes can be of any color, should be able to see (although there have been many very successful mothers who were blind- they simply used the all-powerful "eyes at the back of the head" tool). Expression should be soft and gentle, yet capable of "shooting bullets" at appropriate times. I, on occasion, use the "I will turn your little butt to salt right here" look in times of extreme stress.

NOSE -- Ah, the nose, able to smell a soiled diaper at 50 yards! I have not found the "bigger is better" theory at work here. I have known mothers with tiny little turned-up noses that look completely ineffectual, actually "scent" the time (10 minutes) when her little offspring smoked his/her first cigarette. A fantastic feat, it was a treat to watch her. She made one small error once- completely understandable- she mistook the Scotch he tried for a single-malt, rather than a blend. I could forgive her this- she was a Gin drinker.

MOUTH -- Not quite so large as Rush Limbaugh's (God forbid), nor so small as Bettie Boop (I do not think she would make an effective mother). It should be able to sing a soft, albeit, out-of-key nursery rhyme, or raise the rafters when "mother" is displeased. My only absolute rule it that it should never, never be used to insult, demean or humiliate the child. Anger is all right, but verbal abuse is forbidden. Also, the mouth is needed for eating -quite often, and in small doses usually, because mothers do not have enough time to actually sit down to eat a full meal at one time- "mom, I need this done now", "mom can you take me here now", "mom where is my....," "mom, come here and look at this!" and the dreaded, "oops...Oh God.....MOM!!!!!"

SHOULDERS -- The actual size is not so important, I know many women who even enhance their size due to fashion styles. It really doesn't matter, as long as they can bear the weight of the world occasionally and then much more often during High School.

BREASTS -- Here is where you all get treated to an honest to God mother-type lecture. So hunker down and just listen. These particular accouterments to the human body are there for one reason, and one reason only - Milk Machines! They were put there to nourish a baby and when the time comes, boy are they handy! Now I realize that there are some women out there that look like they could feed Nicaragua single-handedly and some (as, ahem, myself) that look as if they were drier than the Sahara Desert. But let me assure you that the good Lord provided, just such a large range of sizes to make some men look like idiots in their admiration of something that every other mammal in the world has. If we could get this through our thick skulls, so that many women did not feel inadequate, then my work as 'Semi-Super Woman' would be done.

STOMACH -- This includes the waist, which I have not had since 1971. Seriously, I jump right from bottom of the rib cage to top of the hip-bone, with a huge pinch of extra skin in-between. It is truly amazing to me that I lost it so suddenly and did not even hear it drop. This particular part of the body can change dramatically from woman to woman after having a child. I, myself, developed stretch marks that have had gynecologists spending enormous amounts of time trying to decipher hidden pictures that they are sure that they can see. Sort of like a Rorschach test game. I have had friends who have had 5 babies and have a stomach that you could bounce a dime off, and not only that, there's not a mark on them. (I, as a matter of fact, have lost several coins in the folds of my big belly, but I look at it as a kind of retirement fund). [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-16-2005 03:04 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong ?" she asked.

The friend told her that she had "morning sickness".

Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."

"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just sick of mornings." [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-17-2005 10:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Eek!]


A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together.

Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.

"Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry, I'm running late... I just didn't have the time to get you a present."

"No worry," said Dad. "The important thing is that we're all together."

Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you anything... I'm sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "just glad you could be here today."

The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but I've been out of town and didn't bring a present."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

Later, during dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said, "Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, in unison, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"

"Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones, too!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-26-2005 07:35 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

We were trying to decide where to go for a ski holiday, and the travel agent was showing my parents and me brochures of various condos and hotels.

She explained that all the units with stoves, fridges and dishwashers were marked with SC, which stood for "self- contained" units.

"Nonsense," my mother corrected. "It really means 'she cooks.'" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-28-2005 06:44 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Our family of four was travelling by car from Pennsylvania to California.

On our third day, we stopped for supper at a restaurant in Oklahoma.

A man sitting at a neighboring table asked my five-year-old daughter where we lived.

"We used to live in a house," she replied, "but now we live in the car." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-28-2005 07:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

WEALTH

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.

"Oh Yeah" said the son.

"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four."

"We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end."

"We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night."

"Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon."

"We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight."

"We have servants who serve us, but they serve others."

"We buy our food, but they grow theirs."

"We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

With this the boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are." [Big Grin]

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