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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Two (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  99  100  101 
 
Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-27-2002 06:01 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED

(1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
(2) Never leave the table hungry.
(3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
(4) Enjoy your food.
(5) Enjoy your companion's food.
(6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
(7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
(8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
(9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
can always eat it later.
(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
(11) Avoid blue food [Big Grin]

~ Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" ~

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-27-2002 06:35 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-27-2002 10:43 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY..."

"Everything Comes In Threes"
- Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones.Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"You Learn Something New Every Day" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"The Sky's The Limit" - Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.

"You Get What You Pay For" - Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

"Tomorrow Is Another Day" - Not neccesarily true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it will be today again.

"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last.

By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-27-2002 11:06 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Quickies...

How do you explain counter-clockwise to a kid who grew up with a
digital watch?
...................................................................

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
...................................................................

The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand
to be heard.
...................................................................

With the new Truth in Advertising law, a pack of batteries must
contain the notice: "Toys not included,"
...................................................................

You can avoid skidding on icy roads if you can only learn to drive
right. Get in your car and drive right to Southern California.
...................................................................

Doctors have discovered we are all ruled by our biological clock.
They have also named that phenomenon in hypochondriacs -- it's
called the chronos alarmus, or "alarm clock."
...................................................................

You know you're getting old when you are forced to choose between
two evils and go for the one that lets you sit down the soonest.
...................................................................

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351: "Give us another hint! We all have digital watches!"
...................................................................

Cholesterophobia: Fear of frying.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-27-2002 04:20 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Words of Sentiment- Sally

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
sugar is sweet
and so are you

But the roses are wilting,
and the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head. [Big Grin]

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother. [Smile]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-28-2002 12:43 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

We had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of us missed our old home.That December,when I went to pick up our first-grade son, Madison,from school,his teacher told me about a conversation she overheard.

One boy said,"We're Catholic,and we are going to Christmas Mass."

"Were Jewish,"said another child."And we're going to have a Hanukkah celebration."

Madison chimed in,"We're Texans,and were going to have a barbecue." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-28-2002 01:10 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

It's Time To Get A New Life When......

Your job requires you to wear a paper hat.
You consider professional wrestling a sport.
You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme.
You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout.... you subscribe.
You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their
fingers through your hair.
The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend's phone number are 1-
900.
You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles.
You play the accordion. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-28-2002 01:57 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band,"he remembered."One earring read,'with all,
'and the other,'my love.'

When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered,'To remind me that the next time anyone says that to me,I should let in go in one earand out the other.'" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-28-2002 08:47 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

Andrew A. Rooney

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Barry Floyd
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1068
From: Lebanon, Tennessee, USA
Registered: Mar 2000


 - posted 12-30-2002 04:42 PM      Profile for Barry Floyd   Author's Homepage   Email Barry Floyd   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The following has apparently been attributed to State representative
Mitchell Kaye from GA. This was posted on our City of Lebanon message board. It's far from being politically correct, but says what many of us feel.

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more
riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal, bed wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly
help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve
nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness -- WHICH BY THE WAY IS A LOT EASIER IF YOU ARE UNENCUMBERED BY AN OVERABUNDANCE OF IDIOTIC LAWS CREATED BY THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE CONFUSED BY THE BILL OF RIGHTS!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-01-2003 08:16 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house.This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter.What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot,then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house,naturally so he can park his car there.Then he goes back to the lot to get his car.

When he returns home,he finds that the space has been taken by some other car.He is,well, upset.

What most people do is write nasty notes etc.and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle.Where the police get involved, however,is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means.Tires and throats have been slashed over this.

One time a fellow got creative.Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down,real well.I mean,very,very thoroughly.The water,of course,froze solid.When the owner returned, instead of a car,he found a car-sized Popsicle.

The note on the car read:"You want the space? Here,it's yours until spring! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-01-2003 08:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Eek!]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their eight children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blindman and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus now, so shut the fuck up!!!!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-02-2003 05:04 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.

Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief means
by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?".

The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse either!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-02-2003 05:25 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile] .............The 12 Rules of Life.............



1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn't,use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles;ask yourself,Will this matter
one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

8. When you make a mistake,make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge.Being miserable
because of a bad or former relationship just might
mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good,but it's not that important Money is nice,
but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most
people don't live to spend all they saved some die even
before they retire.Anything we have isn't really ours;
it was given to us by God; He just let us borrow
it while we're here....even our kids.


12. And finally... Be really good to everyone. You
never know when you are going to need them to
empty your bedpan. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-02-2003 05:58 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X [Eek!]

I went for piano lessons when I was a young man... I loved the
finger exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes
and say the lesson was over.

It wasn't until many years later that I discovered that I was going into the wrong building...

The Music school was right next door to a bordello... I can't play squat on the piano... but boy, can I finger! [Big Grin]

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