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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Celebrities (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 14 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  12  13  14 
 
Author Topic: Celebrities
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-21-2002 08:06 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.

He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.

His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?"

Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, "Hey! Are you Sean Connery?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-21-2002 08:08 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile]

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?"

"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him!

She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-08-2003 07:59 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Catherine Zeta-Jones was overheard talking on her cell phone:

"Yes, Michael, I'll be home shortly. The diapers are in the bathroom cabinet,and the baby's diapers are in the nursery." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-28-2003 11:55 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!]

The Top 12 Names for a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show


12. Too Gross for Comfort
11. Touched by a Wacko
10. The Pedo-Files
9. Dinner and a Movie and a Couple of Minor Surgical Procedures
8. Survivor: Balcony in Berlin
7. Father's Nose Mess
6. Child Protective Services, Where Are You?
5. Trading Races
4. Telemundo presenta "Loco Loco Loco!"
3. Kids Can Be Made to Do the Darndest Things
2. Who Wants to Bear Children for America's Creepiest Millionaire?

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for
a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show...

1. The Newlywhite Game [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-28-2003 12:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Groucho Marx was married to a non-Jew.

When their son was refused admittance to a "restricted" country club,Groucho sent the club a telegram.

"Since my littleson is only half-Jewish, would it be all right if he goes into the pool only up to his waist?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-28-2003 01:00 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
G [Smile] Baby Blues

Jennifer Lopez
decides one day that she is sick and tired of how she's perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her fiance of the day that she really is smart. While her fiance is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after he leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.

Her fiance arrives home that evening and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds Jennifer
lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.He asks what she is doing. She replies that she
wanted to prove to him that she's not dumb, and she wanted to do
it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski
jacket over her fur coat. She replies that sh was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....

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I like this one ...

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-28-2003 03:49 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile]

A confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-04-2003 10:50 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone.

While she was ordering,another customer entered the store.She placed her order,turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman.

He was in town filming a movie.His blue eyes made her knees buckle.She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding.

Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her
cone;she turned to go back in.

At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was
coming out.

He said to her,"Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?"

Unable to utter a word she nodded yes.

"You put it in your purse with your change." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-05-2003 07:02 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson & a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.

The other is used to carry groceries. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-10-2003 07:28 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle.The host gives one of the two teams a clue,and they have to guess the answer and fill in the crossword.

Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker."

Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio." [Razz]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-11-2003 07:23 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Eek!]

The Top 12 Names for a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show


12. Too Gross for Comfort
11. Touched by a Wacko
10. The Pedo-Files
9. Dinner and a Movie and a Couple of Minor Surgical
Procedures
8. Survivor: Balcony in Berlin
7. Father's Nose Mess
6. Child Protective Services, Where Are You?
5. Trading Races
4. Telemundo presenta "Loco Loco Loco!"
3. Kids Can Be Made to Do the Darndest Things
2. Who Wants to Bear Children for America's Creepiest
Millionaire?

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for
a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show...

1. The Newlywhite Game [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-12-2003 01:00 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Sonota

Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips."

It was read at her funeral years later.


For attractive lips, speak words of kindness

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember,if you ever need a helping hand,you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older,you will discover that you have two hands;one for helping yourself,and the other for helping others. [Big Grin]

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Rob Maar
Film Handler

Posts: 4
From: Bronx, NY, USA
Registered: Feb 2003


 - posted 03-01-2003 08:49 PM      Profile for Rob Maar   Email Rob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Did you hear about Michael Jacksons desperate rush to get to the nearest J.C. Penney store?

He heard that all boys pants would be half off for the next hour.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-12-2003 11:05 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life, she was celibate for six straight years. And then she turned seven.

-- Craig Kilborn

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-17-2003 07:58 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.

She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit or ICU of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,



Picabo, ICU. [Big Grin]

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