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Author Topic: LIMERICKS
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-12-2002 08:34 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

There was a young lady of Ryde,
Who ate some green apples and died;
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside. [Big Grin]

The once was a young artist called Saint,
Who swallowed some samples of paint;
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colorful lack of restraint. [Big Grin]

There was a hillbilly named Shaw
Who envied his maw and paw.
To share in their life
He adopted his wife
And became his own father-in-law. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-12-2002 08:41 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

There was a young lady from Lynn
Who was sunk in original sin.
When they said, "Do be good,"
She replied, "If I could...
But I'd do wrong right over again." [Big Grin]

There was a young fellow of Leeds
Who swallowed six packets of seeds.
In a month, silly ass,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds. [Big Grin]

A cat in despondency sighed,
And resolved to commit suicide.
She passed under the wheels
Of eight automobiles
And after the ninth one she died. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 12-13-2002 10:09 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] LIMERICKS

In a castle that had a deep moat
Lived a chicken a duck and a goat.
They wanted to go out
And wander about
But all they needed was a boat.

There was a young girl from Oliver,
And all the men did follow her,
Until a guy came along,
And played her his song,
And all the rest quit call'n her.

There once was a man from Bombay
who wore on his head a toupee.
He thought that he might
give friends a delight
and remove his toupee for a day.

There once was a man from Peru,
Who dreamed of eating his shoe,
he awoke with a fright,
in the middle of the night,
and found that his dream had come true!


There was a farmer from Leeds,
Who ate six packets of seeds,
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds!


There once was a man from Great Britain
Who interrupted two girls at their knittin'.
Said he with a sigh,
"That park bench, well I
Just painted it right where you're sittin'."


There was a young hunter named Shepherd
Who was eaten for lunch by a leopard.
Said the leopard, "Egad!
You'd be tastier, lad
If you had been salted and peppered!"

Ogden Nash:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.


An epicure dining at Crewe
Found a very large bug in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


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From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 12-15-2002 09:51 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile]

LIMERICKS II


In anything written by Dickens,
It's certain the plot always thickens;
With characters, themes
And digressions it teems;
As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickin's.


At a meeting-hall, George Bernard Shaw
Was proceeding to lay down the law,
When, from somewhere offstage,
Someone hollered in rage,
"Who can sleep, with this damned foo-fa-raw??"



Miss Fanny, adored by John Keats,
Loved romances and sucking on sweets;
Yet one glance from this skirt
Could reduce the poor squirt
To a few inarticulate bleats.



My trouser-snake stands up and cheers
When confronted with boobs in brassieres;
But, in charming my cobra,
The bosom with no bra
Can almost reduce it to tears.




Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior
"Your singing is quite inferior!"
She,not to be crass,
did show some real class
Said,"You can kiss my posterior!"



There once was a boy named Kevin
Who used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
Then eight and then nine,
And though ten was divine,
There will be film at eleven.



There once was a girl from Norway
Who hung from her toes in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
Hey, look at me Joe,
I think I've found one more way!



In the garden of eden lay Adam
gently stroking his madam,
and great was his mirth
for on all of this earth
there were only two balls and he had 'em!



An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
Said Sex is one thing I do know
Women are fine
And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno!



There once was a man named Piatt,
who's sexual habits were a riot.
From horses to hens,
To mice and men,
If it had a hole, he would try it.




There once was a man named Eugeene,
Who built a masturbation machine,
The damned thing broke
On the 14th stroke,
And whipped his balls to a cream.




Remember that man named Eugeene?
well he built a f*!king machine,
Concave or convex,
It could take any sex,
But man what a mother to clean



There was a lady from Vanvaper
Who wiped her butt with brown paper;
The paper was thin,
Her fingers slipped in,
She no longer used that brown paper.

P.S.Actually there is another version with the last line the same as the first.


Jolly St. Nick's good to you and me
Brings to homes many gifts to see.
But a black eye he paid
Because he laid
The wrong doll under the tree.



There Once was a sailor named Brett
The best pisser I ever seen yet
He could Piss in a jar
From the Top Gallant Spar
Nor even get the sails wet.



There once was a man who was not very kind,
he used his penis instead of his mind,
one day he bent over,
and his dog took over,
a gave him a bone from behind.



There once was a man from Peru,
who fell asleep in a canoe,
while dreaming of venus,
he played with his penis,
and woke up with a hand full of goo.



There once was a nun with a gun,
Who thought shooting children was fun,
she shot them away,
Day after day,
Until she thought she was done.




There once was a man from Uppingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham
Just watching the stunts
of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking them



There once was a monk from Kerplunks
Whose body was that of a hunk's
The nuns all went woozy
when he stepped into the jacuzzi
For the monk had forgotten his trunks.




There was a young lady from Bude
Who had scenes of old England tattooed
Her Boyfriend, one day
went the whole Penine Way
With Cheddar Gorge still to be viewed



There was a young man from Sheet
Who liked to suck on his feet
He'd like to do Fergie
But her feet had the lergie
Because she'd had the entire fleet



There once was a girl from Decator
who was laid by a big alligator
nobody knew
the results of that screw
'cuz after he laid her, he ate her.




There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose manners were quite inferior.
He did to a nun
What he should not have done.
And now she's a Mother Superior.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-16-2002 09:54 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Classical

Doin' its Own Thing
by Edward H. Green

The first law of Newton I sing
My voice has a relevant ring:
"An object left free
Of hassles will be
Engrossed in just doing its thing."
May the Force Be With You
by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan Salwen

On a merry-go-round in the night,
Coriolis was shaken with fright.
Despite how he walked,
'Twas like he was stalked,
By some fiend always pushing him right.

Condensed Story of Ms Farad
by A. P. French

Miss Farad was pretty and sensual
And charged to a reckless potential;
But a rascal named Ohm
Conducted her home -
Her decline was, alas, exponential.

Wish I Were a Fly on the Wall
by Robert D. Cowan

There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?

A Brief History of Gravity
by Bruce Elliott

It filled Galileo with mirth
To watch his two rocks fall to Earth.
He gladly proclaimed,
"Their rates are the same,
And quite independent of girth!"

Then Newton announced in due course
His own law of gravity's force:
"It goes, I declare,
As the inverted square
Of the distance from object to source."

But remarkably, Einstein's equation
Succeeds to describe gravitation
As spacetime that's curved,
And it's this that will serve
As the planets' unique motivation.

Yet the end of the story's not written;
By a new way of thinking we're smitten.
We twist and we turn,
Attempting to learn
The Superstring Theory of Witten!

Limerico di Galileo© [13 stanzas]
by Martin J. Murphy

While watching a cannonball's motion,
Galileo conceived of the notion
That natural laws,
Not a mystical Cause,
Ruled the physical world's locomotion.

Though its own view was mostly confused,
The Church was not greatly amused
With this flaunting of Deo
By old Galileo
And ordered it quickly defused.

So the Pope sent some priests who inquired
If it wouldn’t be best he retired?
“Undoubtedly you know
What we did for Bruno;
Do you also wish to be fired?”

He asked an old Cardinal’s opinion:
“Pray tell me, Your Grace, if you will then,
Does this mean what I think?
That henceforth I must shrink
From discussing my clever perception?”

Said Bellarmine, “No, it is not a ban;
If you want to keep teaching of course you can.
They merely have said
To take care where you tread
And smile when you say thing Copernican.”

Unbeknownst to our venerable dissident
The records said something quite different.
When the Pope saw the note
The inquisitors wrote
He lost what remained of his temperament.

The message the Vatican sent
Was blunt in its stated intent
“Recant all this heresy
Quick or we’ harass thee,
Now ‘til your life has been spent.”

In facing the dread inquisition,
Few men could defend their position;
So it shouldn’t surprise
When we are apprised
Of old Galileo’s decision.

“Explaining celestial motion
Needs more than just faith and devotion.
But to save my poor head
I’ll recant what I’ve said
(Though I’ll secretly keep to my notion)”.

So our friend the illustrious Florentine
Spent his last years in Vatican quarantine,
Locked up in his home
By the prelates of Rome
For being a cosmical libertine.

The Church caused a major imbroglio
By correcting Copernicus’ folio
Yet it couldn’t discern
The abuse it would earn
In forbidding the whole Dialogo?

By killing Sidereus Nuncius
For the news that their views were defunctus,
The renaissance ended
And darkness descended
Upon the Dominican dunces.

In spite of the Vatican's dissuasion
Galileo still rose to the occasion.
Though once deemed heretical,
He proved more prophetical
Than those of a clerical persuasion.

Cole's Lost Soul
by A. P. French

There was a young fellow named Cole
Who ventured too near a black hole.
His dv by dt
Was quite wondrous to see
But now all that's left is his soul.

On Liquor Production
by David M. Smith

A friend who's in liquor production
Owns a still of astounding construction.
The alcohol boils
Through old magnet coils;
She says that it's "proof by induction."

Goodnight Irene
Author unknown, submitted by Ken Kiger

There once was a girl named Irene,
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzene!

Cool Cruel Test
by Kay R. Devicci©

The thermo exam was quite near-o,
And he thought everything was quite clear-o;
"Why study this junk
I'm sure I won't flunk,"
But they gave him an Absolute Zero.

Modern

The Bose-Einstein Story (Condensed)
by Jonathan P. Dowling

A couple of young guys in Boulder,
Cooled their gas cloud down colder and colder.
Then with much exhortation,
They hit Bose Condensation,
And beat out their rivals (much older).

Relatively Good Advice
by Edward H. Green

Dear S': I note with distress
The length of your yardstick is less
And please wind your clock
To make it tick-tock
More briskly. Your faithful friend, S.

Proton Decay
by David Halliday

A proton once said, "I'll fulfill
My long-term belief in free will.
Though theorists (may) say
That I ought to decay
I'm damned if I think that I will."

And Then There Were Photons
by William Rolnick

An electron, while trav'ling in space,
Met a positron there "face-to-face."
The electron then sighed,
At the sight of his bride
And they "died" in a loving embrace.

Einstein, Podolsky and Rosen
by David Halliday

Two photons, close-coupled at start,
Flew several parsecs apart.
Said one, in distress,
"What you're forced to express
Removes any choice on my part."

Fussy Electrons
by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan Salwen

An electron is sure hard to please.
When spread out, it sometimes will freeze.
Though agoraphobic,
It's still claustrophobic,
And runs off when put in a squeeze.

The Cat in the Tree
by Peter Price

Another great Dane has made free
With a question of Be or Not be.
Now might Schr”dinger's puss,
In descending by Schuss,
Leave one track on each side of a tree?

Protecting Schrödinger's Cat
by Devlin Gualtieri

PETA was out in full force,
But not for a dog or a horse.
At Schr”dinger's place
They pleaded their case
For the sake of his cat, of course

Classical

Desperately Surfing for Science
by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan Salwen

Who needs the balance and check?
Screw peer review -what the heck!
Send all of your crap
To the internet -zap!
Who cares if it's nothing but dreck!

On What's New and True
author unknown
A certain Phys Rev referee
Considers all papers with glee:
"What's new is not true,
And what's true is not new,
Unless it was written by me."
[Editor's Note: Several variants on this theme were submitted.]

The Past Isn't What it Used To Be
by Bruce Elliott
A professor of Physics named May
Complains of the classroom today,
"The problem, you know,
Is that they're too slow.
We were far better students than they."
His friend, a professor named Beecham,
Said "It's true, you don't seem to reach 'em.
But they're not to blame,
For they haven't the same
Class of teachers that we had, to teach 'em!"

See You at Work
by Steve Langer

The chairman of AT&T
Said, "Your graduate physics degree
Is not worth a - penny,
Of your kind we've too many.
Perhaps you can program in C?"

Great Lies
by Beall Flower

There are several Great Lies that we know.
One is "I'll love you tomorrow."
Here's another false word
That we've recently heard,
"With less money your research will grow!"

Quark-Dork Symmetry Group
by Kay R. Devicci©
When we physicists talk about quarks,
And "sleptons," "sneutronos," and "squarks,"
We shouldn't be stunned
When the Congress won't fund
Our big projects - they think that we're dorks!

A Physicist from Nantucket
by Michael Van Leeuwen
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who......oops...just got a life.

Copyright 1997, The American Physical Society.
The APS encourages the redistribution of the materials included in this newsletter provided that attribution to the source is noted and the materials are not truncated or changed.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-19-2002 03:02 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X [Smile]

LIMERICKS III




There was a young lassie named Wainright
Who enjoyed the position that a dog might
over her shoulder she found
when she looked around
A hole new meaning for hindsight

There once was a singer named Elton
who had the girls hearts all a'meltin'.
But soon they discovered
he was a man lover;
twas dicks he'd rather be feltin'.

There was a young singer named M'lisser,
who liked all the girls to kiss her.
She was rakin' the cash in
and givin' tongue lashin's
to Misses rather than Misters.

A young engineer name of Paul
Was equipped with an octagonal ball
The square of his weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call



The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgins
And swarms with erotic effex.



Sir Reginald Von Hubble of Joice
Did shave his balls-'twas his choice.
He sneezed,oh how sad!
The results were quite bad!
He now has a high pitched voice!!!



There once was a lad called Lancelot
At whom people looked askance a lot
For whenever he passed
A delectable lass
The front of his pant would advance a lot



there once was a guy named scott,
who thought he was SOOO hot,
then Jamie dumped him,
And her new boyfriend thumped him,
Now, a living Scott, there is not.



There was this guy named John
Who's Mom told him to buy some corn.
He heard wrongly
But objected strongly.
When instead he bought some porn.



A psychiatrist and a proctologist from Stutts
Did really show some pure guts.
They put up a sign
At 4th Street and Vine.
That read we treat nuts and butts!



Oh,the air did turn green
When a fart came from the queen!
The court sat aghast
At the royal blast,
But stood and sang "God save the queen!"



There was a young lady from Bath
Who wasn't very good at math
She had sex under a tree
later said "Woe is me"
1 plus 1 isn't 2….it equals 3




Stanley, that anal young fool
made sculptures out of his stool.
His version of "The Thinker"
was really a stinker,
but the portrait of Madonna was cool!




old mother hubbard
went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone
but when she bent over
rover took over
and gave a bone of her own!

-the writer is obvious



There was a young man from Cape Horn,
who wished he had never been born,
and he wouldn't have been,
if his father had seen
that the tip of the rubber was Torn !



there once was a man named shult
who was a member of a pagan cult
he fell to his knee
and screamed 'help me !'
as the cult sacrificed him 'cause they where hungry



there was a young lady from crewe
who filled her vagina with glue
said she with a grin
if they pay to get in
they'll pay to get out of it, too!



Two moments in Captain Hook's past
memory of which still leave him aghast.
A visit quite vile
from a big crocodile,
and that time he was wiping his ass!

In the check out at the food store
a nun was advising the poor:
"Hey you up in front!
That's to many items you cunt!
And they won't take food stamps for beer ya dumb whore."

A hillbilly gent name of Cato
wanted sex with his girl on a Date-o.
She said, "Yer dick's real purdy,
But yer balls are too dirty,
they look like a fresh dug potato!"



A wandering Munchkin named Syfe
heard a most terrible strife.
The loud grinding and shearing,
lead him to a clearing,
where the Tin Man was fucking his wife.

A genetic engineer named Pickens
gave his lab assistant the dickens!
He had saturated a turd,
with the DNA of some bird,
and got some shit that tastes kinda' like chicken!



A childless man took to chasin'
a curvy young girl with elation.
She asked him "why me?",
he replied, full of glee,
"you were built for the birth of a nation!"



She wanted to grow up a saint
And her mother, she had no complaint
But men--quite a few--
Were more fun than a pew
So she wanted to be but she ain't!



There was a young girl from Calais
Who thought chancres just melted away.
Now she has Tabes,
and sabre-shinned babies,
and thinks that she's Queen of the May.

There once was a lady from Sydney
Who could take it right up to the kidney
Then a man from Quebec
Took it up to her neck
...He had a big one now didn't he


There once was a girl from Aberystwyth
Who took corn to the mill to make grist with.
The miller's son, Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they made piss with!



There once was a man from Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
The left one was small,
Hardly nothing at all,
But the other won numerous prizes.



There once was an abbot of Brittany
Who chanted this desolate litany:
"If Christ is the Source
Of Divine Intercourse,
Then how come I don't ever gitany?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-20-2002 11:28 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X [Smile] LIMERICK IV





A washed up old harlot named Tupps,
Was heard to confess, in her cups:
"The height of my folly
Was screwing a collie,
But I got a good price for the pups!"



Submitted By: Taylor
There once was a man named Nute
Who poured acid on his root
He got holes, you see
So when he would pee
He'd finger the thing like a flute!

There once was a man from Kent
Who's dick was so long it was bent
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double
So instead of coming, he went

There was was a man named Molder
Who attempted to throw a small boulder
Instead he tripped on a rock,
And grasped his own cock,
And threw himself over his shoulder.

There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection,
He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastion Bach



Submitted By: Manfred Kugler
The things that occur on the shingle
of the beaches surrounding old Dingle
can only be said
in the bed of the wed
'cause they'd tingle the single to mingle!



Submitted By: Susie
There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who diddled his wife in a chair
On the thirtyfirst stroke
the furniture broke
and his gun went off in the air.



Submitted By: Stephen R. Sanchez
There once was a butcher from Clack
Who found slicing meat was his knack
Up until the day
He met his "friend" Ray
Now he only takes meat in the back.

There was also a butcher from here
Who's meat slicing method was queer
He would handle the steak
And cream he would make
As he only took meat in the rear.



Submitted By: Henry Mucha
A wire-winder who caught his wire in his winder,
Wasn't hurt much and said, "Fate couldn't have been much kinder."
Said his wife, Jane,
"You can say that again",
"Just imagine if you caught it in our meat grinder."



Submitted By: peter jones
There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a fucking machine,
concave and convex,
it fucked either sex
and jerked off itself in between.



Submitted By: Henry Mucha
A brief word on the theme of the following limericks. In ancient times, a family's occupations often determined their surname, so that the blacksmiths were called Smith, the bread makers were called Baker, the ones who milled the wheat became Miller, etc. The following limericks use this as a basis.

A father of 3 boys named J. Dickinson
Found incest to be quite a lot of fun.
Said a friend, "Even though J.",
"May be gay",
"At least his name matches his avocation."

A father of 4 girls named Dickinson
Found incest to be quite a lot of fun.
Said a friend, "Maybe we oughter"
"Nickname him Dickindaughter",
"Then that name will match his avocation."



This is the tale of woe of a small boy named Lou
Sitting in a crowded church with his family, who
Turned to his father, Bart,
And whispered, "Dad, I've got to fart !"
Said Bart, "If you do, you must sit in your own pew."



A young woman from the Land Where the Sun Rises
Had boobs of unequal sizes.
The left one was small
And didn't seem abnormal at all,
But the right one was so huge it won prizes.


I saw this one somewhere on the Web..I do NOT take credit for it But your page is too good to be missing this one!

There once was a Man named McSweeny
Who spilled some Gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!



Submitted By: Anja
Here I some limericks for you that I found in an old computer game:

He invented a sexual device
and tried the thing out once or twice
but it wasn’t the gong
but rather his prong
that peeled and that didn’t feel nice.

There was a young fellow of Crew
whose tool was so straight and to true
that the Navy when fighting
could use it for sighting
and at full range could sink a canoe.

An observant young man of the west
said "I’ve found out by personal test
that men who make passes
at girls who wear glasses
get just as good sex as the rest".

A harlot did not think it funny
to hear the bad jokes told by Sonny.
"I will not", she said
"have such filth in my bed"
then she cursed and gave him back his money.

A toothsome young starlet named Smart
was asked to display oral art
as the price for a role.
She complied, met his goal
and then sank her teeth in the part.

There was a young harlot of Clyde
whose doctor cut open her hide.
He misplaced her stitches
and closed all her niches
she now does her work on the side.

Since her baby came, Miss Snow
won’t diddle, she just hollers "no".
She thinks a fat senator
was it’s likely progenitor
but having laid ten she can’t know.

There was a young lady from Sydney
who could take it right up to her kidney,
but a man from Quebec
put it up to her neck
My, he had a long one, now didn’t he.

As the elevator car left our floor
Big Sue caught her chest in the door.
She yelled a good deal,
but had they been real
she’d have yelled considerably more.

A virgin emerged form her bath
in a state of righteous wrath
for she’d been deflowered
when she bent as she showered
‘cause the handle was right in her path.

Said a horrid old hag, "Look here honey
I know that I’m wrinkled and funny,
but get me in bed
with a sack on my head
and I’ll give you a run for your money".

There was a young lady from Channelview
whose boyfriend said "may I explore you?"
She replied to the chap
"I will draw you a map
where the others have been to before you".

There was an old maid of Duloth
who wept when she thought of her youth
and the glorious chanced
she’d missed at school dances
and once in a telephone booth.

There was a young girl from Balmoral
whose habits were highly immoral.
For the price of a dime
she took three at a time,
one fore, one aft, and one oral.

Said a coed from Duke University
when asked about sexual diversity,
"Screwing’s okay
in the old fashioned way,
but I do like a touch of perversity.

There was a young student named Jones
who reduced all maidens to groans
by his wonderful knowledge
acquired in college
of nineteen erogenous zones.

A businesslike harlot named Draper
once tried an unusual caper.
What made it so nice
was you got it half-price
if you brought in her ad from the paper.

A newlywed bride, Mrs. Young
asked the doctor to fix her torn lung.
When asked how it ripped
she replied as she stripped,
"That man I married is hung".

Said a diffident lady named Drood
the first time she saw a man nude,
"I’m glad I’m the sex
that’s concave not convex
for I don’t fancy things that protrude".

When Smith caught his tool in some gears
they grafted on skin from his ears
and now the poor guy
can hear through his fly,
but screwing just bores him to tears.

There once was a versatile whore
as expert behind as before
For a buck you could view her
for to you could do her
as she stood on her head on the floor.

There once was a faddist of Devon
who said "I have raped only seven
young women to date,
but soon it’ll be eight
and shortly thereafter eleven".

A young airline stewardess, May,
has achieved the ultimate lay.
She was screwed without quittin’
from New York to Great Britain
it is clear that she’s come a long way.

A horny young sailor named Clark
picked up a slut in a park.
She was ugly and crude
and a horror when nude,
but she was good for a spell in the dark.

There once was a fellow named Mark
who spread a girls legs in the dark
He said "Now by thunder
it’s a natural wonder
I declare this a National Park".

There was a young fellow named Dice
who remarked "They say bigamy’s nice.
Even two is a bore
I prefer three or four
for the plural of spouse it is spice".



The 80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort,
And the judge said, "Sir, you'll have to be tried in court."
But the jury was sympathetic,
Because Mort was sick, old, and pathetic,
And the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.



There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dong was so long he could suck it.
He walked down the street,
Just a swinging his meat.
While he carried he's balls in a bucket.



There was a young man who's dong
Was prodigiously, massively long
Down the sides of his whang,
two testes did hang
Which attracted a curious throng




There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth, her vagina
Her clitoris huge
she covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor




A geneticist I'll call Dr. Harold Louth
Crossed a rooster with peanut butter from down south.
His friends did query
"And what did you get, Harry ?"
Said he, "A cock that'll stick to the roof of your mouth".



A new graduate gynecologist named Scott
Found he knew diddly squat
About sex, because he'd never
Been so clever
As to go out on a date that was hot.



There was a hooker from Honchu
Who on peckers and penises did chew.
Said a friend, "Why don't you
Have them stick it to you,
Then you could enjoy the sex too".



There was a man from Havana,
Who thought he could play the piana (it rhymes with Havana)
His fingers slipped,
his zipper unzipped.
And out came a hairy banana!




There once was a man from Australia
Who had rather large genitalia
he said to his bride,
don't try to hide
'cause wherever you go I can nail ya'



Said Rapunzel, high up in her castle
"This is getting to be quite a hassle -
I've given up hope
Of a prince with a rope
So I'm growing my hair past my astle"



There once was a kingsnake named Elvis
with a less-than-vestigial pelvis
and the bulge in his jeans
came from twin hemipenes
I'm much too embarrassed to tell this.



There was a young girl from Australia
Who painted her arse like a dahlia
The picture was fine
And the colour device
But the scent on the whole was a failure




There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.
A penny a smell
Was all very well
But twopence a lick was a failure. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-21-2002 01:54 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

NICE LIMERICKS

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.



There once was a lady, Ilene,
Who liver on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
and since then she'd never benzene



There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.



There was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.



There was an old man of Philly,
Who was hooked on the movie Free Willy.
He quit his job at the jail,
for a dolphin and whale,
And so was the life of Wee Willy.




A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed


There once was a old man from Norway -
who cussed as he sat in a doorway-
the door smacked him flat-
and he yelled "what was that"?
that disgruntled old man from Norway! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-21-2002 01:59 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

MORE NICE LIMERICKS

There was an old lady from Clyde
Who ate forty apples and died
The apples fermented
inside the lamented
and made cider inside her insides



There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply doted on Gherkins
They were so nice
She ate too much spice
and pickled her internal workin's




I've been studying all night and I'm tired,
But I can't sleep because I'm so wired.
So I'll play on the net
'Stead of going to bed,
And my tests will seem a quagmire.



There once was a girl whose name was Jen.
Whose room was as messy as a pig pen
It got so cluttered
She shook and muttered
Oh, but everything blends, AMEN.



There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think---
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.




To Hilary Clinton said Bill,
I think we're staying on Capitol Hill,
'Cause that tired old timer, Dole,
Is digging himself a deep hole,
And the White Water thing's a cheap thrill.




There once was a boy from Montreal
Who loved to play basketball
For a team he tried out
But if he made it, I doubt
For you see, he was three feet tall!


There once was a lady named Lynn
Who was so uncommonly thin,
that when she assayed
to drink lemonade,
she slipped through the straw and fell in!



There was a young man from Cape Cod
Who's occupation was odd
He caught fish all day
Without any pay



I really liked you're delightful page
which brought memories back to this sage
For I once was in Crewe
with nothing to do
except watch trains as to Scotland they flew

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-21-2003 08:48 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

So seldom are clean


The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean -
And the clean ones so seldom are comical [Smile]

[ 05-14-2004, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-05-2003 09:15 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X [Eek!]

There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep in his canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He played with his penis
And woke up with a handfull of goo [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-14-2004 10:09 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile]

A horny old broad from Point Breeze
Once said to her lover, "Oh please!
You'd enhance my bliss
If you'd play more with this
And pay less attention to these." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-04-2004 02:37 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

From "Dear Abby's" Column November 4, 2004

A wonderful bird is the pelican
His beak holds more than his belican
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week
I don't see how in the helican. [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 11-17-2005 07:52 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 377 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-17-2005 07:52 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile]

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational". The requirements this week were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

The following winning entries, remember, were printed in the newspaper:

Third place:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off of your chinsky."

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an! intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown [Big Grin]

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