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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Political Humor (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Political Humor
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-20-2002 05:55 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"A Zebra does not change it's spots."

Al Gore, attacking George Bush in 1992.

Source: The Toronto Sun.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-21-2002 11:58 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [eyes] Stephen

"It appears Saddam Hussein has unleashed a new weapon of mass destraction on America, a Gore-like android so realistic it is every bit as lifeless as the real thing."

Gore, He's no Dan Quale, but.......... [puke]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-24-2002 03:17 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Contempt for Congress

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain

"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up
by the handle." Winston Churchill

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul." George Bernard Shaw

"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." G. Gordon
Liddy

"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner." James Bovard, Civil
Libertarian (1994)

"Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries." Douglas Casey,
Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys." P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

"Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else." Frederic
Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate
it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." Ronald Reagan (1986)

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the
facts." Will Rogers

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see
what it costs when it's free." P.J. O'Rourke

"If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a
liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a
conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere,
you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene
anywhere, you're an extremist." Joseph Sobran, Editor of the
National Review at one time (1995)

"In general, the art of government consists in taking as much
money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the
other." Voltaire (1764)

"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you." Pericles (430 B.C.)

"No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session." Mark Twain (1866)

"Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it." (Unknown)

"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other." Ronald
Reagan

"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing
of misery." Winston Churchill

"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin." Mark Twain

"The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools." Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)

"There is no distinctly native American criminal class save
Congress." Mark Twain

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn
well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty
to take the consequences." P.J. O'Rourke (1993)

"What this country needs are more unemployed politicians." Edward
Langley, Artist 1928-1995

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first
things to be bought and sold are legislators." P.J. O'Rourke

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-24-2002 08:31 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

HOW GOVERNMENT WORKS!

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of adesert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,
then hired two people.

Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one yearand we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-24-2002 03:19 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

We take you now to the Oval Office...

President George W. Bush:Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice:Sir,I have the report here about the new leader of China.

Bush:Great.Lay it on me.

Rice:Hu is the new leader of China.

Bush:That's what I want to know.

Rice:That's what I'm telling you.

Bush:That's what I'm asking you.Who is the new leader of China?

Rice:Yes.

Bush:I mean the fellow's name.

Rice:Hu.

Bush:The guy in China.

Rice:Hu.

Bush:The new leader of China.

Rice:Hu.

Bush:The Chinaman!

Rice:Hu is leading China.

Bush:Now whaddya asking me for?

Rice:I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

Bush:Well,I'm asking you.Who is leading China?

Rice:That's the mans name.

Bush:That's who's name?

Rice:Yes.

Bush:Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Rice:Yes, sir.

Bush:Yassir?Yassir Arafat is in China?I thought he was in the Middle East.

Rice:That's correct.

Bush:Then who is in China?

Rice:Yes, sir.

Bush:Yassir is in China?

Rice:No, sir.

Bush:Then who is?

Rice:Yes, sir.

Bush:Yassir?

Rice:No, sir.

Bush:Look,Rice.I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N.on the phone.

Rice:Kofi?

Bush:No,thanks.

Rice:You want Kofi?

Bush:No.

Rice:You don't want Kofi.

Bush:No.But now that you mention it,I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Rice:Yes, sir.

Bush:Not Yassir!The guy at the U.N.

Rice:Kofi?

Bush:Milk!Will you please make the call?

Rice:And call who?

Bush:Who is the guy at the U.N?

Rice:Hu is the guy in China.

Bush:Will you stay out of China?!

Rice:Yes,sir.

Bush:And stay out of the Middle East!Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Rice:Kofi.

Bush:All right!With cream and two sugars.Now get on the phone.

(Rice picks up the phone.)

Rice:Rice,here.

Bush:Rice?Good idea.And a couple of egg rolls, too.Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.And the Middle East.Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-25-2002 04:25 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-25-2002 04:30 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"I am Al Gore, and I used to be the next president of the United States of America." —Gore, in a speech at Bocconi University in Milan, Italy [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-26-2002 05:51 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"I often get asked the question, 'Is there anything I would have done differently?' And yes there is. If I had it to do over again, I would have kissed Tipper much longer at the convention. But she was struggling."

-—Al Gore on the 2000 presidential race

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-26-2002 05:57 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address,riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent." — [Big Grin]

--Daily Show host Jon Stewart

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-26-2002 06:08 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

FOLLOWING A NUMBER of best-selling non-fiction books, Oliver North recently co-wrote his first novel, "Mission Compromised," a Tom Clancyeseque adventure story about an Oliver North-like figure named Major Peter Newman who, with the aid and support of the real-life Oliver North, has Oliver North-like adventures fighting Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.

According to the New York Times, North would pound out an extremely rough draft of the novel after recording his radio show. The draft would then be e-mailed to North's co-writer, Joe Musser, who would take North's amateurish, unreadable prose and translate it into a slightly less amateurish and unreadable manuscript fit for publication by an undiscriminating, publicity-hungry Christian publishing house.

Out of habit, North had Fawn Hall shred his draft of the novel, lest it fall into the wrong hands, but we've obtained the following sample. According to the Times, North's draft was also written entirely in capital letters, although we've decided to omit that detail, on account of it being fucking retarded.



It was a bright, glorious day on God's green Earth as Major Peter Newman arrived for his rendezvous with the Great American Hero Oliver North.

"It is a bright, glorious day on God's green Earth, I, Major Peter Newman, am thinking to myself as I arrive at my rendezvous with The Great American Hero Oliver North," Major Peter Newman thought to himself. The sky was all blue and stuff and there were also clouds in it.

Suddenly, a man appeared. Although he looked like a man, he also looked like a Greek God (but not one of the gay ones) and also Tom Cruise.

"You must be the Great American Hero Oliver North," said Major Peter Newman.

"Yes, I am the great American Hero Oliver North," said the great American hero Oliver North. [note to Joe: is this reading good? If not, please make gooder and more booky, using describing words and stuff.]

"I understand that you have some important words to tell me, Oliver North," said Major Peter Newman. "About Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, and also Hitler's brain."

Looking particularly heroic, Oliver North then began talking, using both words and sentences. And also his mouth: "Yes, I know where they are."

"Please tell me, then," said Major Peter Newman, who also used words to try to convey what he was thinking inside of his head.

"They're at room 417 of the Ramada Inn. They're shacked up with some cabana boys and a cigarette full of reefer. Also, some Boone's Farm."

"O.K then, I guess I'm off to go kill Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and Hitler's brain," said Major Peter Newman.

As he walked away, he thought about what a great American hero North was. He would never forget their meeting. Also, he would remember it. [note to Joe: better make room in the trophy case for a Pulitzer! Because this book will win one or two.]

Nathan Rabin

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-26-2002 06:14 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-27-2002 03:48 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg."

-—David Letterman

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-27-2002 03:51 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida."

-—Conan O'Brien

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-27-2002 04:55 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"If we're so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren't they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?"

--Ann Coulter

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-27-2002 05:50 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Time magazine said that George Bush lit up a cigar in the White House on Election night. Gee I hope it wasn't one of the cigars left over from the old Clinton thing."

-—Jay Leno

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