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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » United States Navy (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3 
 
Author Topic: United States Navy
Paul G. Thompson
The Weenie Man

Posts: 4718
From: Mount Vernon WA USA
Registered: Nov 2000


 - posted 11-19-2002 02:48 AM      Profile for Paul G. Thompson   Email Paul G. Thompson   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR:

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 PM.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail.)

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations. Condition Zebra will be set in two minutes)

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man
overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again 'Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-08-2002 07:47 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got.

He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. "A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits," he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat ?" he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-23-2002 05:39 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X [Smile]

Q:What is it about the Navy and submarines that women love so much?

A:Is it the concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen,or is it the concept of a sailor going down for three months at a time? [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-10-2003 12:03 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!]

The following was over heard from a recent Naval Analyst:


Let's put it this way,anyone who's crazy enough to want to live
in a submarine is welcome to do so as far as I'm concerned.And
don't worry about illicit sex if women are added to crews -- the
only place there'd be enough room for anything more than a pat on the ass (unless you're both yoga masters) is the bridge, and then the watch standers would have to pretend you weren't around.

[Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-10-2003 11:41 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a
wedding.He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

"You don't understand,sir," my friend said."I'm in the wedding."

"No,YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the
Navy." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-17-2003 10:14 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

When I was in the Navy,women were assigned to the WAVES. When we finally got leave after three months,our Captain told the WAVE Captain she'd better keep her girls under lock and key.

The WAVE Captain,tapping her temple, replied."Don't worry. My girls have it up here !"

Our Captain said,"It doesn't matter where they have it.Once those throttle jocks start looking,they'll find it." [Big Grin]

[ 05-01-2003, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-26-2003 03:41 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A sailor boasted to be able to read any flag signal.He was asked
about a beflagged ship near at anchor. "Strange,they say they
are on the rocks.It's quarantine. We're surrendering."

Then a boat from the ship in distress was lowered and brought some sailors to the pier.They were asked by frightened spectators who had heard the ominous interpretation of the signals by the great expert of flag communication.

"What do you mean by your terrible signals?"

"Those aren't signals.The crew had a wash day and now they are
drying up their underwear." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-10-2003 07:40 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Sue Bee

Our son, Aaron, came home from a five-month deployment aboard his submarine, and told us that one of the ways the sailors kept up morale was to make wooden cars out of kits and run derby races.

"What do you do for a ramp?" my husband inquired.

"Don't need one," Aaron said. "We just put the cars on the floor
and then tilt the sub." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2003 05:14 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much?

Is it the concept of a long,hard cylinder filled with seamen or is it the concept of going down for three months at a time? [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-29-2003 11:55 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Michele

Having passed the enlistment physical,Jon was asked by the doctor,"Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir." [Big Grin]

[ 07-31-2003, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-31-2003 06:36 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Stroade

Note: those of us that are retired Navy Chief Petty Officers, have yet another 'anthem' ......... (for the non-Navy types, Navy Chief Petty Officers are the 3 senior enlisted ratings, Pay Grades E-7, E-8 and E-9, and are considered the *Backbone* of the US Navy!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW OLD IS THE CHIEF?

~~~~~~~~~~~

...Chief's birth certificate says EXPIRED!

...When God said "Let There Be Light!," Chief flipped the switch.

...Chief's Oath of Office is in Roman Numerals.

...Chief reminisces about the good times they had during Sherman's March to the Sea.

...When Chief was in school there was no history class.

...Chief's Social Security Number is 1.

(STROADE note: during my tenure, we had SERVICE NUMBERS and NOT Social Security Numbers........ my service number is close to '1') [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-21-2003 05:56 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

My ship,a Navy destroyer,took a group of Naval Academy midshipmen on a cruise of European ports.When my wife heard about this,she decided to meet the ship at its various destinations.As we pulled into each port,there she was on the dock,smiling and waving as we maneuvered alongside.

At our final port,there she was again.

"It's true what they say about the Navy," I said to the midshipman standing next to me."We do have a girl in every port."

"Yes, sir," he replied. "But the same one?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-22-2003 06:51 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Sue Bee

The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken
ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"

The old chief told the parrot, "we are no longer in the Navy. Go
back to sleep." The next morning, the parrot did the same thing.
The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the
parrot in the chicken pen. About 0630, the Chief was awakened by
one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what
was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the
ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was
saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-22-2003 06:54 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

One day a squad of Navy Seals was making for an objective in theirrubber boat.With each stroke of the paddle,they whispered thatparticularly unique Seal grunt - ooyah. Ooyah ... ooyah ... ooyah. God looked down from above and was beside Himself with pride knowing that He could not have done any better than when He made HIS Seals.

Thinking to Himself,God decided to test precisely just how good
His Seals were in fact.God raised His arms and "ZAP", took away
1/2 of all the Seals brains in the dingy.There they were, seven
Seals in a dingy, still making for their objective - ooyah, ooyah, ooyah.

With glee,God rubs His hands,then raised His arms again and
"ZAP", He took away 1/2 of the Seals remaining brains.The Seals
in their rubber dingy, making for their objective now had only 1/4 of their original brains.Still,determined,they stroked on - ooyah, ooyah, ooyah.

God was nearly hysterical with joy over knowing that His creation could still function as a viable,forward deployed, tactical fighting force with very nearly all of their brains removed. Dare I, thought God? Shall I? YES! And God raised His arms and in an instant, "ZAP"! God took away all of the seals remaining brains.

And there they were, a seven man forward deployed,tactical
fighting force, in a rubber dingy, with no brains, making for
their objective - singing - "Off we go, into the wilde blue yonder..................." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-23-2003 01:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

HOW TO SIMULATE NAVY SHIPBOARD LIFE AT HOME:

Sleep on the shelf in your closet.

Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking
chair and rock as hard as you can until you vomit.

Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it
to "high".

Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for
proper background noise level.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow to sit for 5 or 6 hours before serving.

Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee
table and lie under it to read books.

Invite over 100 people to come and visit for a couple of months.

Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and
back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them. [Big Grin]

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