posted 10-02-2002 12:48 PM                       

Rated PG

DEAR ABBY

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he's a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker, but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he just denies it all. Then he admits he was wrong, and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he's a cheat. What should I do?

Dear Frustrated, You should dump him. Now that you are a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

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posted 10-02-2002 12:50 PM                       

Rated R

KING ARTHUR

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

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posted 10-02-2002 12:54 PM                       

Rated X

Dear Advisor:

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

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posted 10-02-2002 03:37 PM                       

Rated X

Dear Advisor,

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

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posted 10-02-2002 08:21 PM                       

Rated X

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

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posted 10-02-2002 08:26 PM                       

Rated G

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

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posted 10-09-2002 03:30 AM                       

Rated X

Dear Advisor

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

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posted 10-09-2002 09:17 PM                       

Rated X

Dear Advisor

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?

A: YES. Before if possible.

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posted 10-09-2002 09:22 PM                       

Rated X

Dear Advisor,

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

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posted 10-09-2002 09:28 PM                       

Rated X

Dear Advisor,

Q: How long should the sex act last ?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

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posted 10-09-2002 09:31 PM                       

Rated X

Dear Advisor,

Q: What is "afterplay?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

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posted 10-09-2002 09:33 PM                       

Rated X

Dear Advisor,

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

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posted 11-06-2002 12:14 PM                       

Rated X

DEAR ABBY

I am a Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton in Oceanside, CA. My parents live in the suburb of Los Angeles and one of my sisters, who lives in the San Fernando Valley is married to a transvestite.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are Prostitutes in San Francisco.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in San Quentin for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in County jail in Los Angeles on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in the Long Beach and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Democrat supporter?

Signed,

Worried about my reputation

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