Gerard S. Cohen
Jedi Master Film Handler
From: Forest Hills, NY, USA
Registered: Sep 2001
posted 08-18-2002 06:21 PM
> Back in the cowboy days, the westbound wagon train was lost and
> low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they
> saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
> The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of
> food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
> "Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de
> other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree." "A
> bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree.
> Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie." The leader goes back and tells
> his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food
> on the other side of the next ridge.
> "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
> "Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon." So the wagon
> train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians
> attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to
> escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The
> near-dead man starts shouting. "You old fool! You sent us to our
> deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon
> tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
> The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He
> then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing
> through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake." "It vuz not a
> bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"
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Master Film Handler
From: The Santa Cruz Mountains
Registered: Nov 2000
posted 03-18-2003 11:33 AM
Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that were discovered throughout the world.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firmís own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country peopleís fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germanyís Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but youíll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
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(Maar stands for Maartini)
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
posted 03-18-2003 11:52 AM
"THE AMERICANIZATION OF SOME NORVEGIANS"
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busyclerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink Ill just take da bus."
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who hadcharged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell,dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?""No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working". Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."
LARS: Have you heard dat dey elected a Pole to be Pope?
SVEN: Ya, it's about time, dose Catlicks have had it long enough.
When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, "Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife." Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is kind of ugly? Dis way I don't never have to kiss her goodbye."
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at thecounter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied,"You yust put 'Ole died'." The gentleman, somewhat
perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely,there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said,"O.K. Yo put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "
Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish.They caught one fish after the other. Ole says toSven, "I wish we could mark this spot. It's the best fishing I've seen since I was a boy." Sven replied, "I
got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?" Ole laughed,"You goofy brother of mine...What if we don't rent the same boat next time."
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Oleasked excitedly. "No, " replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell, " Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."
Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar.They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort. "Line 'em up,"Ole shouted as the party continued. They drank and carried on for hours.Finally the bartender's curiousity got the better of him. "Just what aare you celebrating?" he asked. "51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they
responded. "What did you do in 51 days?" he probed. "Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and
the box said 3-5 years!"
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my nameisn't Valter."
And Dots enough !!
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