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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Engineers (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3 
 
Author Topic: Engineers
James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 04:54 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.""

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 04:55 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 04:56 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

The pastor greeted the greens keeper as he approached, "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. Finally the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor added, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 04:58 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 04:59 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 05:00 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 05:01 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
"Normal people … believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." - Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 05:02 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 05:04 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!"

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Pete Naples
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1535
From: Dunfermline, Scotland
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-04-2002 03:33 AM      Profile for Pete Naples   Email Pete Naples   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER IF...

If you introduce your wife as "my_lady@home.wife"
...or your husband as "the_man@my.service"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 48X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

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Daryl C. W. O'Shea
Film God

Posts: 3977
From: Midland Ontario Canada (where Panavision & IMAX lenses come from)
Registered: Jun 2002


 - posted 12-02-2002 10:34 PM      Profile for Daryl C. W. O'Shea   Author's Homepage   Email Daryl C. W. O'Shea   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
PG [Smile]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're
in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies,

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up
here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll have to get a physicist."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And
just where are YOU going to get a physicist."

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 11-02-2004 11:06 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 700 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-02-2004 11:06 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Engineering Rules


1. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

2. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

3. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

4. If you can't fix it -- document it.

5. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. [Smile]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-02-2004 11:08 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Fix it


Normal people .... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.:

[ 09-23-2005, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-02-2004 11:09 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Engineering Pick-Up Lines


-- I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

-- You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

-- Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

-- My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

-- Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

-- Wanna come back to my room?... and see my 300mHz Pentium II?

-- How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

-- You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

-- You're sweeter than fructose.

-- We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

-- Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?

-- Wanna see the programs in my HP?

-- Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

-- You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

-- I'd like to browse through your clothes like I browse through Netscape.

-- Hey baby, let's make a stress-strain curve together. [Big Grin]

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