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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Men vs, Women & vice-versa (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Men vs, Women & vice-versa
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-29-2002 07:58 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated XX

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina

10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half

8. See if he could finally do a split

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet

6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too

1. Finally find that damn G-Spot

Things a Woman Would Do if She Woke up with a Penis

10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world

9. Get a blowjob

8. Find out what is so fascinating about "beating the meat"

7. Pee standing up

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently

5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm

4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how improper it might seem

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement

1. Repeat #9

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-30-2002 10:43 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated XXX

Blow Job Etiquette

A Woman's Take on the Subject:

1. First and foremost, we're not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to #1, so, if you DO get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video, it's NOT standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to #3, no, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to #5, don't push on top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. Besides, you REALLY want puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get. It's NEVER ok to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean it's "hummer week". Get it through your head: I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so NO, I don't feel particular obligated to blow you. You just can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to stop to remove a public hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've "wrecked" it for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after is HIGHLY inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment. Review #2 above about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't give a shit about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It's not appropriate to sympathize OR brag.

16. Just because it's "awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".


A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.

8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-04-2002 11:00 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 


Rated PG

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq -ruled by a dick.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-08-2002 07:55 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

For Women When NOT to Accept a Proposal

Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.

* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?

* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?

* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island" at least four times?

* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?

* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?

* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?

* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial Strength?"

* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?

Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.

* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"

* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?

* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.

* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?

* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend's?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?

* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?

* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?

* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?

* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of Painful Delights?

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-14-2002 01:56 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and man was a complete mess after that.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-18-2002 07:41 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said, "Well, you succeeded."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-18-2002 10:21 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A couple are lying in bed.

The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-18-2002 07:17 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a
rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the
same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-22-2002 03:52 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Men and women are just so different.

How? I am so so glad you asked... NICKNAMES...

Men have em, women wish they had em.

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Ros go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

In the south, they will refer to them as Bubba, Bubba, Bubba and Bubba.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2002 02:34 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2002 11:18 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Bras & Butts Etc.

DEFINITIONS BY GENDER

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."

male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-19-2002 12:14 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

He said - Two inches more and I would be a king.

She said - Two inches less, and you'd be a queen.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-26-2002 11:29 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Paula in Boulder

WOMEN:

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes,apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to showhow much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.


MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-06-2002 09:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Lorraine

HIS AND HER ROAD TRIP:HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's thecorrect one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he'sright.

3. Drives an extra five miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.

5. Pulls up to 7-11.

6. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

7. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

8. Gets back into car.

9. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

10. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy at 7-11 said it was.

11. Almost hits a deer.

12. Curses the night.

13. Curses you.

14. Curses the large slurpee.

15. Drives and fiddles with radio.

16. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

17. Admits he didn't want to go to your sister's house anyway.

18. He hates your sister.

19. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

20. He had to look up pernicious.

21. Couldn't find a dictionary.

22. Finally found a dictionary.

23. Couldn't spell pernicious.

24. Seethes at the memory of it all.

25. But she is laughing inside...

26. And of course you're still lost.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-03-2002 01:20 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same."
Men and women are created equal.
But, boys and girls are not born the same.

You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

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