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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Dirty Jokes

   
Author Topic: Dirty Jokes
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-21-2002 05:26 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard.
"That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?"

"That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'"

"Oh. You know anything else?"

The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.

"It's called 'Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'"

"Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs."

So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.

"Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?"

"Know it, pal?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"

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Bill Hallsworth
Film Handler

Posts: 34
From: Loganville, GA, USA
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-21-2002 08:45 AM      Profile for Bill Hallsworth   Email Bill Hallsworth   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Two women are sitting in a cafe and talking.

One woman says, “Shit, this evening my husband brought me red roses.”

“Why ‘shit’?” The other woman asks. “I’d be glad if my husband did that for me.”

“No, no, you don’t understand,” the other says. “Every time he brings me red roses, I have to spread my legs.”

“Why’s that?” the other asks. “Don’t you have a vase?”

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 672
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 08-04-2003 06:26 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a
bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a
genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will
grant you one wish, anything that you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,
so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he
gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at
the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the
liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the
best vodka that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another
glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to
drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and
takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The
two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his
wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss
in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is
excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to
grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She
gets the glass but asks him, "Boris, why do we only need one
glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you will
drink from the bottle."

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Steven Privett
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 208
From: Pasadena, TX, USA
Registered: Dec 2000


 - posted 05-20-2004 04:30 AM      Profile for Steven Privett     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a whorehouse and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said, "No!" He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door! The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 672
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 05-18-2005 05:47 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R....

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

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