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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Shopping

   
Author Topic: Shopping
Rachel Gilardi
Madam Moderator

Posts: 2214
From: Peabody, MA, USA
Registered: Dec 2007


 - posted 05-01-2002 04:01 AM      Profile for Rachel Gilardi   Email Rachel Gilardi   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

14 Things to do at WalMart while your spouse/shopping partner/significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,'...and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
11. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.
...and last but not least,
14. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ...'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-09-2003 08:41 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

I am going to shop


"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 05-20-2004 04:42 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 496 days since the last post.


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Steven Privett
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 208
From: Pasadena, TX, USA
Registered: Dec 2000


 - posted 05-20-2004 04:42 AM      Profile for Steven Privett     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.” Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says, “$101,237.64.” The boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?” Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?” Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ’Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.’”

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 12-06-2005 05:14 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 565 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-06-2005 05:14 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

What's The Difference?


A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-06-2005 05:16 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT


A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing.She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?"

The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.

"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken.

The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.

"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please." [Embarrassed]

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Bernard Tonks
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 619
From: Cranleigh, Surrey, England
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 03-11-2006 10:47 AM      Profile for Bernard Tonks   Email Bernard Tonks   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Subject: A Beautiful Teapot.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow, the husband had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

That is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 11-12-2012 12:23 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 2438 days since the last post.


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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 662
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 11-12-2012 12:23 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG...

A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the wife looked up and was surprised that her husband was nowhere around...and she was upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

His wife said, crying, "Yes I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it."

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