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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Police - Law Enforcement (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 16 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  14  15  16 
 
Author Topic: Police - Law Enforcement
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-08-2002 10:48 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-08-2002 11:30 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG


A State Trooper responds to an accident and upon reaching the scene he find a woman has been throw out of the wrecked vehicle.

Upon further investigation, he realizes that he knows the naked woman. He feels sorry for her and takes of his hat and puts it over her pelvic area to protect her dignity.

He then continues with his investigation.

After awhile, he notices that one of the EMT's keeps lifting up the hat and looking under it.

The Trooper walks over to the EMT and asks him what he is doing.

The EMT scratches his head and says "Trooper, that is the first time I have ever looked under one of the hats and not seen a prick."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-08-2002 11:34 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding.

The irate driver says "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!"

The driver's wife says "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!".

The driver yells at his wife "shut up, old lady".

The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law.

The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt.

The wife states "You never wear your seatbelt"

Driver "I am going to smack you if you dont shut up".

Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife "Does he always talk to you that way?"

ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK, the wife states.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-09-2002 06:25 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


A state trooper stopped a woman on the interstate for speeding.

As he approached her car, she rolled down her window and said, "Sir, I know what you're going to do."

The trooper asked, "You do? Why don't you tell me?"

She replied "You're going to sell me tickets to that State Patrolman's Ball, aren't you?"

The trooper looked at her, puzzled, and said "Ma'am, State Troopers don't HAVE balls!"

She smiled as the trooper's face turned red. He then returned to his vehicle and left...quickly!.......

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-10-2002 04:28 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer." "Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk"!.......

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-11-2002 01:49 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Two police paramedics jump into the surf to rescue a couple whose boat has foundered in rough seas.

After an exhausting swim to the boat, the medics fit the woman into a life vest.

All during the rescue she keeps yelling that her husband is a lawyer and he is going to sue the pants off the company that rented them the boat.

The cops instruct the husband to stay in the boat while they swim to shore with his wife.

As the cops turn around to swim back out to rescue the man they see him coming toward the shore, standing upright, riding on the backs of two huge sharks! A

s he hops off the shark's onto the beach, the husband shrugs his shoulders in response to the astonished looks on the cop's faces.

He gestured back to the sharks and said, "Professional Courtesy".

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-11-2002 01:57 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Did ya hear about the two wannabe police dogs named Timex and Rolex?

Well...they were really WATCHDOGS!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-11-2002 02:02 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The policeman's wife came home from work and found a note from her husband.

"Your doctor called and said your Pabst Beer came back alright...whatever that means."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-12-2002 06:48 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

St Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir."

"Excellent my son... I've gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-17-2002 07:51 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-17-2002 10:06 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG


A cop is walking in an alley and sees a man on the ground with a prostitute.

He points his flashlight and yells to the guy -

"Step away from the hooker and put your hands on your head!..........

NOT THAT HEAD!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-23-2002 10:32 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-25-2002 07:41 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG This is a real story.

Things Go Better with Coke!.......

Maybe it is not strange, but it is true.

I stopped at the local "storefront" station to take a break. A less than model citizen walks in the front door and hands me a small baggie of cocaine.

He then tells me, "I just bought this cocaine down the street and I want you to arrest the man that sold it to me!"

HELLOOO! Anyone home?!?!

Ends up he was a local drug dealer tryin to "legally" get rid of the new competition which sprung up.

We got rid of him for a while.......

Charlie Vazquez, Houston Police Department

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-26-2002 11:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Three Times and Out. . .!

I was working one of our "fast" four lane highways one evening when I clocked a vehicle travelling approx. 25 miles over the posted limit.

Once I got the car stopped, I noticed a nervous driver along with his very pregnant wife and he stated he was headed to the hospital as his wife's water had broke.

I naturally let them go so as to not have to deliver a baby in my cruiser.

About 15 minutes later, I stopped another vehicle travelling about the same speed as the previous violator.

A nervous driver and his female passenger, both in their late 40's advised, that their daughter's water just broke and they were headed to the hospital so as not to miss the birth of their grandchild.

Needless to say, I got off that highway before the paternal grandparents had to be stopped

Dave Shed, Oklahoma Highway Patrol

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-26-2002 11:14 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Another Stinkin' Lawyer!.......

While working general duty one day a call went out for a traffic member to respond to an MVA with injuries.

As I was in that general area and could respond quicker I attended the location. On arrival I noted a 4x4 Jimmy had failed to negotiate a sharp turn and had driven into a residents rock garden. To make matters worse the vehicle was wedged up against a tree and the driver coudn't get out.

A bystander advised me the driver was having difficulty breathing so I managed to bend the tree and get the door open.

When I opened the door I noted two things, a case of beer on the floor of the passengers side, and a horrible aroma.

Ambulance attendants and the traffic member arrived on scene, and I explained to the traffic member there was a possibility the driver was impaired.

Much to our dismay we managed to get the driver out of the vehicle. The driver turned out to be a high priced lawyer in a 3 piece suit.

The funny part about the whole thing was the accident. He left Work early because he wasn't feeling well.

Before going home he stopped and had a beer with the boys. As he was driving home I guess the flu was getting the better of him. He tried to pass gas as he was negotiating this turn and instead passed a whole lot more!

He was caught by surprise and lost control of the vehicle.

We laughed for days over that one. Not too often you see a lawyer in a predicament like that! He was not impaired thankfully cause he wasn't getting in the back of my pc! .......A.L. Lambie, RCMP

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