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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Senior's (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 24 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  22  23  24 
 
Author Topic: Senior's
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-03-2002 12:53 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag. "The Cambridge Distorter" told a
photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD BOTH OF US?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-04-2002 02:39 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The ABCs of aging:

A is for arthritis,

B is for bad back,

C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention.

G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches).

H is high blood pressure

I is for itches, and lots of incisions.

J is for joints, that now fail to flex.

L is for libido--what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot about K!

K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my

M-memory from time to time).

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis.

O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack

P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune.

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!

R is for reflux--one meal turns into two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!

T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near.

U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)

V is for vertigo, as life spins by

W is worry, for pains yet found

X is for X ray--and what one might find.

Y is for year (another one I'm still alive) so,

Z is for zest for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-04-2002 04:24 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A True Senior Moment

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said,"Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-19-2002 07:30 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Two retired middle age guys were basking in the Bermuda sun.

The one fellow said he was able to retire early because his big furniture store burned down and he retired on the insurance money.

The other fellow said he too was able to retire early on insurance money because his big store was wiped out by a tornado.

After a few moments of silence the first fellow asked: "How do you start a tornado?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-19-2002 02:06 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding. I can't even manage to do it once. What's your secret?"

Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."

So the second old man rushes to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."

The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread. It's sure to get hard before you're done."

The old man says, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-20-2002 08:37 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated XX


An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman.

Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.

After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well where upon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-22-2002 04:57 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised.

While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

"Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-10-2002 02:03 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, politicians...

I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh....

I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the *initialstate of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 50?

I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.

I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2002 12:10 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose."


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2002 03:37 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

The two little old ladies, who were long time friends and a bit old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it.

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then all over, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me all over"

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we "screw"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2002 03:47 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Two 80 year old geezers are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement:"It makes you feel young again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax.

They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"

"No," replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"

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Sean McKinnon
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1539
From: Peabody Massachusetts
Registered: Sep 2000


 - posted 07-03-2002 04:09 AM      Profile for Sean McKinnon   Email Sean McKinnon   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she
needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop
she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch
her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by
the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He
whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found
anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me,
you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck,
and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an
absolutely ! gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince.

Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the
old lady turned into?

come on, guess.........


The first motel she could find-------
(She's old, not dead!!!!)

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2002 11:25 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that whenI shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing.My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2002 12:11 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, Therefore "I AM
PERFECT"!


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2002 04:19 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"


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