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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Kids and Grand Children (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Kids and Grand Children
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-21-2002 10:44 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Lynn was nursing her baby in a public bathroom when a little girl and the girl's grandmother entered the room.

"What's she doing, grandma?"

"Feeding her baby."

"How?"

"She's feeding her at her breast."

"Grandma, I saw Mommy feeding Daddy like that once. "


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-24-2002 07:09 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Daddy, what's telepathy?

It's when two people are thinking the same thought at the same time.

Like you and mommy?

No, son, when mommy and I are thinking the same thought,that's called coincidence.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-24-2002 07:11 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

One night a father was helping his son with his homework.

The father asked, "What is the Gross National Product?".

The little boy pondered for a minute and replied,

"Brocoli?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-25-2002 08:08 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G From our Female Lurker

My husband is an Army helicopter pilot, and we never seem to live in one place for very long.

Typically, during a move, we stay in a hotel until we can find a permanent place to have our things delivered.

Our children enjoy this greatly, although sometimes itcan be a bit confusing for them. One day, as we were driving down an interstate and passed a Holiday Inn, our three-year-old squeaked in excitement from the backseat.

"Look!" he exclaimed. "There's our old house!"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-25-2002 04:55 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Teenagers and cats For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.

Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians.

It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-26-2002 01:35 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rayed PG

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.

The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always by polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.

So he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose."And saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?""Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-26-2002 09:49 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Reated G

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that
they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-27-2002 07:57 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

After teaching piano for a few years, I learned how the younger folk can sometimes get words twisted around.

One year, we had scheduled a recital at the First Presbyterian Church in town.

One bright 8 year old girl (who about that time invented a commode for handicapped
people that appeared in Florida's Epcott Center) asked me, "Is the recital at the First Prostitution Church?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-28-2002 12:12 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.

When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter - haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-03-2002 10:06 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

WHO SCRATCHED THE CAR??

Dad---Son, come in here, we need to talk.

Son---What's up, Dad?

Dad---There's a scratch down the side of the car.Did you do it?

Son---I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

Dad---Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

Son---Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad---But your sister Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car,and then drive away. So again, I'll ask you, did you scratch the car?

Son---Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understand you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad---Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

Son---Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad---So you are then saying that you did hit themailbox?

Son---No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad---But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

Son---Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad---So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

Son---No. No, that's not correct. Your question was, "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car...the mailbox did...I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "NO"when you asked, "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad---Son, you are such a slick talker you're either gonna wind up as a lawyer or President.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-04-2002 05:00 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no.

The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream.

The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any.

The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-04-2002 04:04 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's hidden stash of S&M and sexual bondage magazines.

Naturally, she was very upset and she didn't know what to do.

So, she waited until her husband got home to discuss it with him. After she showed him the magazines, she asked him,"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know what to do." he told her. "I really don't think I should give him a spanking for this!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-04-2002 10:06 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Bill Gates' SPEECH TO MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL in Visalia, California.

Worthwhile reading for anyone. Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time!

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-05-2002 07:48 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

What Does Love Mean?......from the mouths of young children

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

"There are two kinds of love Our love and God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross,but.............. He didn't. That's love."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-08-2002 08:21 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

CHILDREN:

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

4. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.(Chinese Proverb)

5. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

6. I asked Mom is I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

7. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

8. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

9. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

10. We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

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