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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » True Stories (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: True Stories
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-11-2002 12:19 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Excerpted from the book, "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II," by Seymour Reit; Signet, 1980.

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots.

The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank.

Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-11-2002 12:21 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

At a Law Fraternity election meeting in a basement Moot Court room at GWU Law School, the President opened the floor for nominations for President.

As one of the members was standing up he said "I nominate (bumped his head on an overhead pipe) Jesus Christ".

Someone immediately responded "I second the nomination".

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-11-2002 12:24 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortnately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning.

The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log:

"The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, its true" the mate said.

"Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion" said the captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-12-2002 09:46 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Spontaneous reaction.

Out to dinner one evening with our friends when the waiter brought the order to the booth directly behind us.

The patrons has ordered a dish that was flamed at the table.

The dish evidently had a little too much liquor and when the waiter lit it exploded into a huge flame, startling us all.

Our bald male friend, who was sitting closest to the flame, immediately rubbed his head, turned and said to the waiter," Gee, I had a full head of hair when I came in here !"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-15-2002 12:09 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Rated G

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, theninsured them against fire among other things Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued -- and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless,that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART ...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-17-2002 10:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

My father always loved fast cars.

Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down.

He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-19-2002 02:24 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Submitted by Lurker Ann

I was changing my little girls diaper when my 4 yr old son asked where her pee-pee was.

I explained that she didn't have one because she was a girl.

He stated oh,okay and walked away.I thought I got off easy until
later that evening when he was in the bathroom with his dad and said that since he was a boy, he had a pee-pee.

My husband agreed with him,and he said that mommy was a girl, so she didn't have a pee-pee.

My husband agreed again, and my little boy said that his sister was a
girl,so she didn't have a pee-pee either.

My husband again agreed.

My little boy,looking perplexed,then with a smile said well,then we have to go to the store and buy them a pee-pee.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-21-2002 10:46 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G :

While working as a bartender in a restaurant I ran out of lemons and asked the waitress to get me some lemons from the walk in fridge.

She immediately came back with a grin on her face and said they are not ready yet, they are still limes.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-21-2002 01:24 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A New Jersey State Trooper was allowed to keep his Cruiser parked outside of his house. One night while he was in the shower his wife began banging on the bathroom door yelling that some car thieves were breaking into the cruiser!

The Trooper hastily dashed out of the shower, threw on his pants and ran outside with his service revolver drawn only to see three youths driving off with the cruiser.

When he called his Sergeant to report the theft he was asked "Did you get a good look at the perpetrators"? His answer, "No, but I got the license number"!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-21-2002 05:02 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

I was commuting from the Borough of The Bronx to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.

A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked the stupidest question I've ever heard, "Are you reading that paper?"

I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and answered, "Yes."


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Leo Enticknap
Film God

Posts: 6960
From: Loma Linda, CA
Registered: Jul 2000


 - posted 03-22-2002 04:01 PM      Profile for Leo Enticknap   Author's Homepage   Email Leo Enticknap   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A colleague told me this anecdote which dates from when he was a postgrad student living in a block of flats in a somewhat run-down area of Glasgow.

Shortly after sounds of a scuffle from the floor above, the inhabitant of that flat knocked on my colleague's door, complaining that teenage yobs had burgled her flat. 'The wee bastards,' she exclaimed, 'they took my telly, my video and sprayed graffiti all over the walls. And then do you know what the wee bastards did? They shat in my stew... and I had to throw half of it away!'


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-26-2002 11:58 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

We had, a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-27-2002 07:53 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

My 10 year son and I went to the restroom at a movie theater just before the movie started.

There were 5 urinals there and a line had formed up so we had to wait
our turn. When we got to the front of the line, two of the urinals became available. One was a short one for little kids and the other was at a normal height for adults. My son rushed to the higher urinal and left me to use the smaller one.

I didn't want to make a fuss with everybody there so I just let him go.

In the middle of relieving ourselves, my son looks to me and
says "mine's bigger than yours."

Everybody there got a good laugh out of it.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-27-2002 01:07 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

I was waiting in the reception room of a new dentist in town when I noticed the name on his dental graduation certificate was the same as the best looking guy in my graduating class of 1951.

When I finally got in and saw this balding, gray-haired man I realized he was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth I asked him if he attended the local high school.

"Yes" he replied.

"When did you graduate? I asked.

He answered, "The class of '51."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me very closely and asked, "What did you teach?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-28-2002 09:37 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G or C for "Cute" Sent in by Amy a Female Lurker

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my fiveyear-old shout from the back seat,

"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


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