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Author Topic: monkeys
Scott Norwood
Film God

Posts: 7991
From: Boston, MA. USA (1774.21 miles northeast of Dallas)
Registered: Jun 99


 - posted 01-22-2002 08:15 PM      Profile for Scott Norwood   Author's Homepage   Email Scott Norwood   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. "The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.

"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-22-2002 08:52 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Scott, I am that $3000.00 Monkey. You may hire me anytime.


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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 04:42 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The Monkey Theory

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.

The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys that have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins..........

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 04-21-2005 01:48 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 1057 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-21-2005 01:48 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey.

The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!" The man replied, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble."

Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!" So the monkey and the man left.

The man left but came back one week later with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.

Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes, put one in his ass, and then ate it. The bartender said, "That's disgusting! Why did he do that!"

The man said, "Since he swallowed the cue ball,he sizes everything up before he eats it." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-21-2005 01:53 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Sally

A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!". [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-21-2005 01:58 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Monkey One-Liners


Q: How do you train King Kong?

A: Hit him with a rolled up newspaper building.

Q: Where do monkeys pick up wild rumors?

A: Over the apevine.

Q: What do you do with a blue monkey?

A: Cheer it up!

Q: What did the banana say to the monkey?

A: Nothing. Bananas don't talk!

Q: What do monkeys do for laughs?

A: They tell people jokes!

Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?

A: They slide down the banana-ster!

Q. What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a parrot?

A. Polly wants a cracker NOW!!!

Q. What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?

A. Very lost!

Q. What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?

A. It won't be long.

Q. Why did the monkey cross the road?

A. Because it was the chicken's day off!

Q. Why did the monkey put a net over his head?

A. Because he wanted to catch his breath.

Q. What's black and white and has sixteen wheels?

A. A capuchin wearing rollerskates!

Q. What kind of key doesn't open a door?

A. A monkey!

Q. What do you call a 2,000 pound gorilla?

A. Sir

Q. Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?

A. Because he had to take care of some monkey business!

Q. What is smarter than a talking monkey?
A. A spelling bee!

Q. What side of a monkey has more hair?
A. The outside

Q. If you were in a jungle by yourself and a gorilla charged you, what would you do?
A. Pay him.

Q. If twenty monkeys run after one banana, what time is it ?
A. Twenty after one ! [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 03-14-2008 07:32 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 1057 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-14-2008 07:32 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

My monkey plays chess.

Your monkey plays chess? He must be clever!

Not really, I usually beat him three times out of four! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-14-2008 07:36 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight.

Lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. "Hey," he called. "I'm a monkey from the laboratory and I've just escaped.

Are you wild monkeys?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend trotted over to them and started eating the bananas.

It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild monkeys do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that tree there? It's got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well."

The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised.

"Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette." [Big Grin]

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