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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Gender Related "Men & Women" (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Gender Related "Men & Women"
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-03-2002 10:23 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Men and Women

Men are vain and spend at least ten minutes a day looking in a mirror.
Women are crazy and check their reflection in every single object they see that reflects such as mirrors, windows, cars, TVs...

Women take a bath/shower every single day to ensure they are clean and smell nice.
Men use deodorent.

Women put on new clothes every single day and often spend up to an hour switching things around until she finds a good combination.
Men put on the closest thing on the floor or in the closet.

Women paint their nails.
Men bite their nails.

Men cannot hug someone of the same sex without wondering whether they are gay or having their friends wonder if they are gay.
Women can not only hug their friends, but do so in public places without ANYONE wondering if they are a lesbian.

To women farting is a rude embarrassing noise.
To men farting is a constant source of amusement.

Women try to hide cuts and bruises because they are flaws.
Men compare cuts and bruises to see who has the biggest one.

Men can't go a day without rearranging his family jewels.
Women never have to rearrange their privates.

Men go to the hospital if blood spews from their privates.
Women use a tampon.

Women date preparation; two hours.
Men date preparation; five minutes.

Women dress up for; shopping, sports, school, work, holidays,parties, hanging out with a friend, going to the movies, goingbowling, lying around the house, reading, and watching TV.
Men dress up for; weddings, funerals

When women forget to shave no one notices.
When men forget to shave the whole world knows.

Women's magazines feature half naked women, that women ogle at,wishing they looked like them.
Men's magazines feature fully naked women, that men lust after.

Women's chores are simple things like cooking and cleaning.
Men's chores are dangerous things like putting up the Christmas lights on the roof and checking out loud noises at night.

Men are stronger.
Women are smarter.

Women know they're weaker.
Men think they're geniuses.

Women are sure they look horrid and ugly and that all the menlike that girl over there more then the like her.
Men think they are god'd gift to women.

When men get a cold, they are dying and stay in bed for two weeks.
When women are dying, they just have a cold and continue to run around doing errands and chores.

In conclusion; men and women just do not go together. Why isn't everyone gay?

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-03-2002 10:28 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Bashing The Sexes!


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-21-2002 01:34 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design....Does it also come in men's sizes?"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-25-2002 09:26 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X Alex

SIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND:

1. He always scratches his crotch and says, "Damn!
When is this gonna clear up?"
2. He could use a contact lens as a condom.
3. Taking you out to eat means firing up the grill.
4. Everytime you want to spoon, he wants to fork.
5. He refers to your little brother as a "real cutie."

And while we're at it, here's . . .

SIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND:

1. She carries around Bride magazine and a highlighter.
2. She thinks an anniversary occurs once a month.
3. Her lucky numbers are your pin number.
4. Your friends know her by her porn name.
5. She just can't stand the taste of "it."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-27-2002 08:25 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Brian was startled to see the nonchalant way Chris was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Chris said.

"Waiting for what?"

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-27-2003 06:15 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile] Lorraine

This cowboy took his girl up to "Lover's Peak".

They sat down on a log.

After a bit Judi says to Jon,"Aren't the stars purty
tonite?" Jon says,"Sure is Judi".

Judi says, "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonite". Jon says,"Sure is Judi".

After a bit Judi says,"Jon,whisper something soft and mushy in my ear".

So, Jon leans over and whispers"Sheeeit".

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-28-2003 12:44 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

ABC's Of Ex Girlfriend........


A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

. stands for period.Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-12-2003 09:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] [Eek!]

A man and a woman are driving home from a date.

The man stops the car, and the woman says: Oh no, you aren't going to pull the 'out of Gas' routine!"

The man says, "No, it's the 'hereafter' routine. If your're not here after what I'm here after, then your going to be here after I'm gone." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-12-2003 09:15 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

All John asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Jill haughtly rebuffed him with, "I don't do that on the first date."

"Well" John replied with sarcasm, "How about on the last date?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-12-2003 09:24 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Confused] Tom in Bar Harbour

My brother Sean stopped by a sandwich shop one afternoon and placed his order with the girl at the counter. She rattled off a list of condiments, but he stopped her when she asked if he wanted white cheese or yellow.

"Hello?" replied the girl, sighinh and rolling her eyes. "Color?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-14-2003 06:31 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!] [Confused]

He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said,"My heart is broken.I saw you with another man yesterday."

"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband,you know there's no one but you." [Big Grin]

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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays

Posts: 5242
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999


 - posted 03-20-2003 09:48 AM      Profile for Tim Reed   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How To Change Your Oil

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to the auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA cat litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 boxed-end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw oil lift (cat litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

35. Beer.

36. Lower car from jack stands.

37. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

38. Move car back to apply more oil lift (cat litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

39. Drive car.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-21-2003 12:44 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Bob,a hard-bitten man of early middle age,had evaded many a
marital trap,but was now hopelessly in love with pretty young
Sue. Finally he said, "Will you marry me, Sue?"

She smiled and said, "Oh yes, Bob."

There followed a long silence, till Sue said, "Well, say
something more, Bob."

And Bob said hollowly, "I think I've said too much as it is." :PD

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-23-2003 02:40 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Eek!]

Men hate to lose.
I once beat John at tennis.
I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?"

He said, "Yes, but not with each other." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-23-2003 03:16 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rate G [Smile] [thumbsup] Lorraine

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an
attractive girl.Immediately he began paying her court and
flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago.How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared."For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
[Big Grin]

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