Men and Women

Men are vain and spend at least ten minutes a day looking in a mirror.
Women are crazy and check their reflection in every single object they see that reflects such as mirrors, windows, cars, TVs...

Women take a bath/shower every single day to ensure they are clean and smell nice.
Men use deodorent.

Women put on new clothes every single day and often spend up to an hour switching things around until she finds a good combination.
Men put on the closest thing on the floor or in the closet.

Women paint their nails.
Men bite their nails.

Men cannot hug someone of the same sex without wondering whether they are gay or having their friends wonder if they are gay.
Women can not only hug their friends, but do so in public places without ANYONE wondering if they are a lesbian.

To women farting is a rude embarrassing noise.
To men farting is a constant source of amusement.

Women try to hide cuts and bruises because they are flaws.
Men compare cuts and bruises to see who has the biggest one.

Men can't go a day without rearranging his family jewels.
Women never have to rearrange their privates.

Men go to the hospital if blood spews from their privates.
Women use a tampon.

Women date preparation; two hours.
Men date preparation; five minutes.

Women dress up for; shopping, sports, school, work, holidays,parties, hanging out with a friend, going to the movies, goingbowling, lying around the house, reading, and watching TV.
Men dress up for; weddings, funerals

When women forget to shave no one notices.
When men forget to shave the whole world knows.

Women's magazines feature half naked women, that women ogle at,wishing they looked like them.
Men's magazines feature fully naked women, that men lust after.

Women's chores are simple things like cooking and cleaning.
Men's chores are dangerous things like putting up the Christmas lights on the roof and checking out loud noises at night.

Men are stronger.
Women are smarter.

Women know they're weaker.
Men think they're geniuses.

Women are sure they look horrid and ugly and that all the menlike that girl over there more then the like her.
Men think they are god'd gift to women.

When men get a cold, they are dying and stay in bed for two weeks.
When women are dying, they just have a cold and continue to run around doing errands and chores.

Bashing The Sexes!

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

SIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND:

1. He always scratches his crotch and says, "Damn!
When is this gonna clear up?"
2. He could use a contact lens as a condom.
3. Taking you out to eat means firing up the grill.
4. Everytime you want to spoon, he wants to fork.
5. He refers to your little brother as a "real cutie."

And while we're at it, here's . . .

SIGNS YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND:

Brian was startled to see the nonchalant way Chris was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Chris said.

"Waiting for what?"

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