This topic comprises 2 pages: 1 2
Topic: Sick Humour
Jedi Master Film Handler
From: Cranleigh, Surrey, England
Registered: Apr 2001
posted 10-22-2001 07:07 AM
Mick and Paddy. Rated 'PG'
Mick and Paddy are out in the country shooting rabbits. Suddenly, right in front of his friend Paddy, Mick falls to the ground, throws a quick spasm, then lies perfectly still. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. In fact, he looks pretty well dead!
Quick as a flash, a horrified Paddy whips out his mobile and calls 999. He gasps breathlessly to the operator...
"Mick just fell to the ground right here in front o' me! He's not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I think he's dead! What can I do?"
Well accustomed to this sort of situation however, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone...
"Okay Paddy, you must try to stay calm. If there's anything that can be done, we'll do it. But you will have to keep your cool, then we can take it one step at a time! Okay now?
"Sure! Sure! Of course, your right. I'm fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great! Now first of all, lets make sure he's dead."
..The line goes silent, then a shot is heard.....
Paddy's voice comes back down the network.... "OK! What next?"
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Expert Film Handler
From: Pasadena, TX, USA
Registered: Dec 2000
posted 11-05-2004 10:53 PM
A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer. The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"
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Jedi Master Film Handler
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
posted 07-05-2006 09:15 AM
The Five Levels of Hangovers
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five dumps you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the restroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out
of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust
in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt
to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the
ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You
don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed
out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a
fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
'floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet
water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
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Jedi Master Film Handler
From: Telluride, CO, USA (733 mi. WNW of Rockwall, TX but it seems much, much longer)
Registered: Jun 99
posted 09-27-2006 06:07 PM
So I've not seen this posted here but I've had it stashed away in a dark file to be published when I die, but since it might prompt interesting responses that I wouldn't see if I was dead I'm not going to wait until I can't read them.
My pal Curtis calls this the "Rolodex of Love:"
You had to learn this someday.. somehow.. it's best not to talk about these things around the dinner table... so now you can talk about it on Film-Tech instead.. enjoy!
The Rolodex of Love Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of the extraordinary sexual activities that can be performed by men:
1. Tea bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth, similar to a tea bag in a cup of hot water.. An old favorite
2. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you shit on her chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)
3. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
4. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you ejaculate, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.
5. Golden Shower - Any form of peeing on a girl. (a.k.a.: water sports)
6. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl, it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.
7. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty skank and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful.
8. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to slap it on her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.
9. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl. Strictly a class move.
10. Double Fishhook - From the doggy-style position, you hook your pinky fingers in her mouth and pull back to achieve deeper penetration.
11. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.
12. Dog in a Bathtub - This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
13. The Bronco - Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits as tightly as possible and yell another girl's name. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.
14. Pink Glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
15. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)
16. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down on her, you puke on her box. Happy trails!
17. The Dirty Sanchez - A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into said woman's asshole, pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name would be Duty Sanchez.
18. Western Grip - When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use; hence, western.
19. The Blumpkin - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her suck you off while you're on the shitter.
20. The Bismark - Another one involving oral sex.. Right before you are about to spew, pull out and shoot all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and jism together.
21. Jelly Doughnut - A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to do is punch her in the nose while you are getting head.
22. Woody Woodpecker - While a chick is sucking on your balls, repeatedly tap the head of your cock on her forehead.
23. Tossing salad - Well known by now. A prison act where one person is forced to chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jell-O, olive oil, etc. I'm never going to prison.
24. The Fish Eye - Working from behind, you shove your finger in her pooper. Thereupon, she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.
25. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick, lapping away, and you discover that it's her time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.
26. Fur Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.
27. The Chili Dog - You take a dump on the girl's chest and then titty fuck her.
28. Gaylord Perry - Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle-ball pitcher proud and use multiple digits on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of 2 knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).
29. The Rear Admiral - An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (with both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab onto anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside so that the momentum pushes her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or table, or have her trip and fall on her face. You attain the status of Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.
30. Glass Bottom Boat - Putting saran wrap over the skank's face and taking a dump.
31. Ray Bans - Put your nuts over her eye sockets while getting head. You're can is on her forehead. Yes, it may be anatomically impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.
32. The Snowmobile - When plugging a girl while she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.
33. The Dutch Oven - Also well known. Whenever you fart while humping, pull the covers over her head. Don't let her out until all movement ceases..
34. Rusty Trombone - Getting the reach-around while getting your salad tossed. Also known as milking the prostate.
35. Turkey Shoot - When you're coming, come on her face and let it drip off her chin so it looks like that red shit on the turkey's chin.
36. Stovepiping - Taking it in the Tush.
37. Bargoyle - The hideous old hair-spray hag who seems to live at your local watering hole. She usually smokes endlessly, spends hundreds of dollars a night on video-poker, and makes sexually threatening comments to frightened college freshmen.
38. Mangry - Describing the anger of women who are angry at men, specifically. "She's such a bitch, she's just plain mangry."
39. Clitourist - A man who won't stop and ask for directions in bed. ie: "Because of his fouled foreplay, Suzy realized that her new boyfriend was no experienced bedroom traveler, but merely a clitourist."
40. Australian Death Grip - The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars. Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.
41. Valsalva - The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be going forward.
42. Angry dragon - This involves the girl giving the guy head, and as he is about to cum, karate-chopping the girl in the throat, causing the cum to shoot out her nose.
43. Tony Danza - a takeoff of the donkey punch is called the Tony Danza. When you are about to cum while doing a girl from behind, you say "who's the boss?" and stick it in her ass. Before she says anything you shout "TONY DANZA!" and punch her in the back of the head.
44. Alaskan firedragon - another good take off is one of the angry dragon that is called the alaskan firedragon. When a girl is giving you a blowjob, cum in her mouth unexpectedly and plug up her mouth at the same time. Then whisper in her ear "i have syphilis" so she spews it out her nose.
45. The Fat Lip - If you get poison ivy and finger a girl, her labia lips will swell. A la, the fat lip.
46. The Houdini - this maneuver is accomplished while going at it doggy style. As you feel you are about to cum, you pull out and spit on the small of her back (making her think you've finished...). It's at the point when she turns around when *BAM!* You bust your load in her face (in the eye if you've got proper aiming techniques down.) Also known as the Doug Hennings and the David Copperfield.
47. Upperdecking (not sexual)- This one takes practice. This maneuver requires a toilet with a tank above it, like the ones in most homes. Instead of crapping in the bowl, you shit in the tank (i.e. upperdecking). Now don't flush. When the following victim flushes, the rancid waste fills the bowl.. If you play your cards right, it may ferment.
48. Airtight - this is where a girl has a cock in each of her three holes, hence, airtight.
49. The Throne of Lightning - This is done by fucking a girl while you shit in a toilet. When you're going to blow your load, turn her over and dunk her head in the toilet, while she's bobbing for your turd plummet a river of semen in her ass. Not to be confused with "Ride the Lightning," a Metallica album.
50. Abe Lincoln - You're getting a girl up the ass and give her a swift donkey punch to the back of her head, knocking her unconscious. You then turn her around and jerk off and blow your load all over her face. Then you shave her beaver and take the clippings and spread it where you jizzed on her, making a beard that looks like good ol Honest Abe's
51. The Beverly Hills Whiffer -This move is restricted to those women who think they're God's gift to the world. Find a woman of the above description. Take her home and start doggie styling her. When you're about to blow, corkscrew two fingers into her ass, scraping as much shit as you can from her. Pull out your fingers, reach around her head to stick one finger in each nostril. Pull her head back so she can see you while you yell "So, you think your shit don't stink now ?!"
52. Shanghai Shampoo - Fuck a chick until you've built up a load large enough to paint a room. Blow it all in her hair, rub it in thoroughly. When it dries it will resemble the crunchy noodles often served with chop suey.
53. Frosting the Cake - When you are about to cum, blow a load all over her chest. Then take your dick and evenly spread the Jism around the breasts and over the nipples. Then stick some candles on it and start singing "Happy Birthday." Then blow out the candles
54. Toboggan - At the top of a flight of stairs, as you're doggy-styling a chick, give her a modified donkey punch between her shoulders. As her arms fly into the air, grab her wrists and thrust... You should be able to ride her down the stairs like a toboggan.
55. The Triple Crown of Sex - In the yapper, the snapper and the crapper all in the same session.
56. Tombstone 69 - while having standing 69 with her upside down, wait till you cheeze then exclaim "tombstone" and drop her on her head WWF style. With any luck she will proceed to expel "angry dragon" style as well because of the impact.
57. Shanghai Stirfry - when a girl gives you a blowjob, pukes all over your cock and keeps going.
58. Hot Carl - when you withdraw your shaft from the bowels of her anus and place it directly into her mouth for a cleaning.
59. Cunt Trumpet - While down on a chick, place your lips solidly over her love hole and blow, watch her stomach rise as she fills with air. Then, with a firm hand push down on her stomach to let all the air out like the beautiful sound of a trumpet.
60. Rodeo Fuck - When you are doing your girl doggystyle, bend over and whisper in her ear, "your almost as good a lay as your sister..." Then try to hold on for 8 seconds.
61. Seal the Envelope - When hooking up with a really drunk girl and she passes out before you cum, turn her over and blow your load all over her ass crack.. When it drys, it will seal her butt cheeks together and she will have to pry them open the next day - hence, sealing the envelope.
62. The Shocker - Two in the Pink and one in the Stink. Or for more stimulation, put two in the cooter, one in the pooter, and use your thumb to rub the bush.
63. Louisville Slugger - Your girl is on her knees in front of you servicing your pole. At some random point in time during this act you pull out, twist your hips, yell "BATTER UP!!!!" and smack her firmly in the cheek with your baseball bat like cock.
64. The Mumbler - A girl in pants that are too tight (you can see the lips moving but you can't make out what they're saying).
65. The Wheelbarrow - Man and woman are going at it doggystyle on the floor, then the man grabs the woman's legs and stands up, leaving the woman's arms on the ground, and starts running around the room, continuing to pillage her vagander.
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