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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Canadians eh! (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Canadians eh!
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-06-2001 12:41 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G  -  -  -  -  -

You can tell your Canadian if you:

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.

2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"

3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"

4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

5. You drink pop, not soda.

6. You know what it means to be on pogey.

7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp,eh!!"

8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.

9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.

10.You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.

11.You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.

12.You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.

13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

14. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!

15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!

19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

21. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."

22. You read rather than scanned this list.

23. You don't get pissed up on 5 American beers, eh ?!"  -

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-06-2001 12:44 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada.

Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that."

The hunters go off.

A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight."

"Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken."

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft.

The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake.

A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?"

To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards further than last year."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-06-2001 12:49 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G  -  -  -  -

A German man, a Canadian man and a Newfie decided that they were going to cross the Sahara desert. In order to make preparations for the trip the English man made a list of what they would need to bring. It was decided that the German man would bring all the food. The Canadian man would bring several barrels of water. He then told the Newfie to bring any other items he felt would benifit them on there trip.

The next day the three men arrived at the desert. The German man had four crate fulls of the most delicous food. The Canadian man had four barrels of the most pure water. The two then noticed that the Newfie was pulling a large bag. "And what did you bring?" asked the Canadian man. "Well", said the Newfie pulling out a car door, "I brought a car door so that when it gets real hot we can roll down the window!"  -

You should note it only took me 2 and a half years to correct my error. [Smile]

[ 01-12-2004, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 09-06-2001 01:17 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


Top 10 Reasons your Canadian


1) Almost every tea towel in your house featured Robbie Burns.

2) You likely share the same first name as your Father, Grandfather and Great Grandfather.

3) The word "girl" was a two syllable word pronounced { GUR ~ ull }

4) While some kids played soccer, you played at "fit ba".

5) You gladly received "Oor Wullie" and "The Broons" every year from aunts and uncles you don't even remember.

6) You absolutely “lose it” when people refer to your heritage as “Scotch”.

7) A source of entertainment was watching one of your parents drink warm beer and actually enjoy it.

8) Your teeth are permanently damaged from eating "Rock Candy" as a child.

9) Your friends ask you why your parents are yelling and screaming at you and you don't know what your friends mean?

10) At the restaurant, when the bill comes, everyone in your family looks to the ground and quietly whistles.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-17-2002 09:52 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Subject: FW: Two guys from Toronto

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens.

The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canadaand finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering,
yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-22-2002 02:41 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Sent to me by a Canadian Cousin -

I am Canadian!!



Did you hear about the war between the American Rednecks and the Canadian Rednecks. The Americans Rednecks were lobbing hand grenades; the Canadian Rednecks were pulling the pins and throwing them back.


In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.


One day an Englishman, an American Redneck, and a Canadian Redneck walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a bottle of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beer three flies landed in each of their bottles. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American redneck fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian Redneck picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the bottle, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"



TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

WEED

You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations

The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education

You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.

You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

You never run out of wheat

Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.

Your province is really easy to draw.

It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbour's house.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

The only province to violently rebel against the federal government

You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.

Because of your liscense plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

You live in the center of the universe

Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition.

Your $400,000 home in Toronto is actually a dump.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
Racism is socially acceptable.

Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys

NON-smokers are the outcasts.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies

You have French people, but they don't want to kill you.

Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

The only place in North America to get bombed in the war... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire.

Your province is shaped like male genitalia.

If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their heads in.

The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal.

You are the reason Anne Murray makes money.

You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt.

Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the jumbo bridge

You can walk across the province in half an hour.

You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"

Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave

You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

If Quebec Seperates, you will float off to sea

You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics

You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines

It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day

Reasons not to Bomb Canada

The bomb costs more than Canada.

Canada will eventually become a US state.

Hockey players would have no place to call home.

The snow would melt and would flood the Earth.

It would take more than 10 minutes. (Much too long)

Signs that You're Too Much Of a Maritimer

Any party you have ever attended has ended up in the kitchen.

You know what two provinces are joined by the fixed link.

You don't think you have an accent.

You'd rather cut one of your kidneys out with a spoon than drink a Labatt's Blue

You know where Magnetic Hill is.

You liked Great Big Sea and/or the Irish Descendants before they made it 'big'

You think that "Barrett's Privateers" is the epitome of culture.

You're not sure what an epitome is.

Your favorite beer is either Alpine or Keith's, but you'll drink a Moosehead if it's the only thing left.

Signs You're Canadian

You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car

Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas

You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey

Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof

You find -40C a little chilly

You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"

You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary



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Leo Enticknap
Film God

Posts: 6900
From: Loma Linda, CA
Registered: Jul 2000


 - posted 03-04-2002 10:21 AM      Profile for Leo Enticknap   Author's Homepage   Email Leo Enticknap   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Quote from an Australian comedian on the 'Today' programme driving to work this morning (and whose name I didn't catch):

'The English are the only people who understand our humour. The Americans don't because they have no sense of irony. The South Africans are now so politically correct that they no longer understand the meaning of the word 'joke'. And as for Canadians... well, they are the joke!'


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-26-2002 08:41 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Two Canadians are taking a long trip.

They decide to play twenty questions to pass the time.

The first Canadian thinks of a word, "moose cock", and the second Canadian begins asking the questions.

The first question was "Is it something good to eat?".

So the first Canadian snickers a bit and then says,"...well, I guess....it..could be......".

And the second Canadian asks: "Is it moose cock?"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-29-2002 01:57 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

THE FOX HAT

The Prime Minister of Canada, Jean Chretien, is making an official state visit to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

All the locals are quite excited to have the Prime Minister come to their town for the first time ever, and they've prepared quite a welcome for him.

When he steps off of the plane, everyone is quite taken aback to see the P.M., while dressed otherwise quite normally, looking especially resplendent in a magnificent fox hat - like a Daniel Boone coonskin, only made of fox.

The cameras are clicking away as he steps off the plane.

After the official greetings are over, and the mayor of Moose Jaw has a private moment with the P.M. away from the cameras and onlookers, he finally unleashes his curiosity.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but I must ask. I have never seen you wearing this magnificent fox hat before, and I wonder why you chose to wear it to our humble town?"

The P.M. replies: "Well, monsieur mayor, eh, 'dat is quite simple, you see. When I was leaving da 'ouse dis morning, I said to my wife, Aline, I said, 'Aline, I am going to Moose Jaw for dah firs' time today! Do you thank I should wear uh anythang speshal in honour of dis inaugural visit?'

And Aline,my wife,she said to me 'Moose Jaw? Where da fock's 'at?'"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-30-2002 01:54 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested thatmen should take a look at their beer consumption,considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beereach.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-10-2002 01:13 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A guy goes to the doc complaining about his small penis.

He asks the patient what kind of beer he drinks and he replies Canadian beer.

"Well, there's your problem. Canadian beer tends to shrink sexual organs. Try some good American beer."

So, a couple of months later he comes back for a follow up all smiling and happy.

The doctor asks him how the treatment was going and the guy says "Great! I've got the wife drinking the Canadian beer."

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-29-2002 04:46 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The power of the US Navy


This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-05-2002 06:48 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Is Canada More Jedi Than Thou?

QUEBEC, CA (AheadOfNews.com) - A recent government census in Australia revealed that over 70,000 people in that country now claim "Jedi" as their religion. While some estimate that many people just like the sound of that, and aren't "real" Jedis, even the skeptics are surprised at the growth of the Jedi faith.

A new Canadian poll, however, shows that the Australian results may be nothing, by comparison with Canada. Adrienne Clarkson, Governor General of Canada, says "Over 12 percent of Canadians, both English speaking and French speaking, now number themselves among the Jedi."

Nobody knows why the Jedi faith appeals to Canadians so much, or how many of them are actually serious about it.

Perhaps a sign of the times, even Prime Minister Jean Chretien now closes his staff meetings with "May the Force be with you."

Rumor has it Yoda is unofficial advisor to Prime Minister Jean Chretien.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-30-2002 09:51 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Did you hear that Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien got a belly button ring?

He heard U.S. President Bush had a Dick Cheney

(chain-y for those of you who have trouble with homonyms)

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-21-2002 09:24 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"A Canadian agency is reporting that the number of obese Canadians is rising rapidly. Those Canadians--always trying to copy us.... But the good news for Canadians: 280 pounds Canadian is only 180 pounds American."

--Jay Leno

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