Sent to me by a Canadian Cousin -
I am Canadian!!
Did you hear about the war between the American Rednecks and the Canadian Rednecks. The Americans Rednecks were lobbing hand grenades; the Canadian Rednecks were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American Redneck, and a Canadian Redneck walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a bottle of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beer three flies landed in each of their bottles. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American redneck fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian Redneck picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the bottle, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
You never run out of wheat
Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
Your province is really easy to draw.
It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbour's house.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
The only province to violently rebel against the federal government
You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
Because of your liscense plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
You live in the center of the universe
Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition.
Your $400,000 home in Toronto is actually a dump.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
Racism is socially acceptable.
Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
NON-smokers are the outcasts.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
You have French people, but they don't want to kill you.
Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
The only place in North America to get bombed in the war... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire.
Your province is shaped like male genitalia.
If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their heads in.
The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal.
You are the reason Anne Murray makes money.
You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt.
Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the jumbo bridge
You can walk across the province in half an hour.
You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave
You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
If Quebec Seperates, you will float off to sea
You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day
Reasons not to Bomb Canada
The bomb costs more than Canada.
Canada will eventually become a US state.
Hockey players would have no place to call home.
The snow would melt and would flood the Earth.
It would take more than 10 minutes. (Much too long)
Signs that You're Too Much Of a Maritimer
Any party you have ever attended has ended up in the kitchen.
You know what two provinces are joined by the fixed link.
You don't think you have an accent.
You'd rather cut one of your kidneys out with a spoon than drink a Labatt's Blue
You know where Magnetic Hill is.
You liked Great Big Sea and/or the Irish Descendants before they made it 'big'
You think that "Barrett's Privateers" is the epitome of culture.
You're not sure what an epitome is.
Your favorite beer is either Alpine or Keith's, but you'll drink a Moosehead if it's the only thing left.
Signs You're Canadian
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
You find -40C a little chilly
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary