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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Epitaph's (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Epitaph's
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-23-2001 10:44 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G
Real Epitaphs


On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona
in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery inTombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph
that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:

In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
One Wood Within another.
The outer wood Is very good:
We cannot praise The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a
consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

And I thought I had a sense of humor.

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3833
From: Albuquerque, NM
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 - posted 02-11-2002 08:36 PM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G:

Tombstone for a Trekkie:

"He's dead Jim"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 02-18-2002 01:09 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G  -  -

Tombstones

1. This is all over my head. ~Robert Benchly

2. Involved in a plot. ~Dorothy Parker

3. Here lies Walter Winchel in the dirt he loved so well.~Walter Winchel

4. This one's on me! ~Milton Berle

5. I had a hunch something like this would happen. ~Fontain Fox

6. On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. ~W. C. Feilds7.

7. Well, I've played everything but a harp. ~Lionel Barrymore

8. This is too deep for me. ~Don Herold

9. Here's something I want to get off my chest! ~William Haines

10. Dentist's epitaph in a Connecticut cemetery:"When on this tomb you gaze with gravity, Cheer up! I'm filling my last cavity."

11. Epitaph on the grave of a hypochondriac: "I told you I was sick!"

EPITAPHS IN OLD CHURCHYARDS: from the collection of Carl S. Cancy

12. Sacred to the Memory of Jared Bates Who died August the 6th, 1800.His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street,Has every qualification for a good wife,And yearns to be comforted.

13. In Memory of Mr.Peter Daniels Born August 7, 1688. Died May 20, 1746.Beneath this stone, a lump of clay, Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,Who too early in the month of May Took off his winter flannels.

14. "School is out and the teacher has gone home."

15. "He was a simple man who died of complications."

16. "Here lies Jonny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising."  -

[ 09-18-2007, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 05-15-2002 08:17 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Actually seen on a Tombstone in England.....

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

Someone had at some point, come along with a marker, and written on the tombstone below it...:

To follow you I'll Not Consent
Until I know which way you went.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-23-2002 08:10 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

"God give me work, till my life shall end And life, till my work is done."

- Winifred Holtby's epitaph

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-03-2002 05:14 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
RATED G

When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left
the bulk of his fortune to another woman.

Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's
tombstone.

"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "Inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on
your orders. I can't change it now."

"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again.' "

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-22-2002 12:00 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Here we will have fun posting unusual and humorous tombstone epitaphs. We encourage all you senior cititizens to send us your favorites so they can be shared with others.

I once had a friend who travelled on vacation just to look at old tombstones. He took photographs of them. Here is my favorite.

Hung for stealing horses that didn't exist
Here are the people responsible for this
Under that was the names of the jurors who convicted him.
Bob Huckaby

Found on a tombstone of ---------Doane at the Bridge Street cemetery in Eastham Mass. 17??.
As you pass by
and cast an eye
as you are now
so once was I.
Similar to others I seen on the site -- V Parsonnet

I am a tombstone maker and an elderly woman that I know is always reminding me to writet on her stone
" I knew this was going to happen to me "

My Dear Friends as You Pass By
As You are Now, So Once Was I.
As I am Now, You Soon Must Be.
Prepare Yourselves to Follow Me.
This is on a tombstone in the old Irwin Cemetary near the old gold & silver mining camp of Irwin, near Crested Butte, Colorado, and is quite famous. The exact epitaph is on a stone in the cemetary at Como, Colorado, in Park County off of highway 285 in South Park. -- Frank Buffington

Here lies Slip Mcvey
He would be here today
But bad whiskey and a fast gun
put him away

This one is from a grave in the "Bad" part of the cemetary in the old mining town of Pioche, Neveda:
Submitted by: Homer Overton

Here lies Lester Moore
four shots from a .44
No Les-no more

This one comes from a cemetery in Northern Neveda ....memory fails me when I try to remember which ghost town I was in (I have visited , photographed, and painted over 150 ghost towns)Submitted by: Homer Overton

Ma Loved Pa,
Pa Loved Women,
Ma caught Pa with one in swimmin..
Here Lies Pa

This is an epitaph my Dad found on a tombstone in Flordia
Submitted by -MoreWishes@aol.com

I Am Woman
Hear Me Roar
And Boy Did She
On tombstone in Douglas County

Here lies an atheist
All dressed up,
And no place to go.

Here lies the body of Samuel Crane
He ran a race with a passenger train
He got to the crossing and almost across
Sam and his car was a total loss
Sams spirit now tolls his knell
That Sam is on his way to well
If he only took time to stop look and listen
He'd be living now instead of missing
Thanks to Logan Crutcher camelot@usi.com

Owen Moore has passed away
Owin' More than he could could pay
Submitted by Gary K. Massey

Pause, stranger, when you pass me by,
For as you are, so once was I.
As I am now, so will you be.
Then prepare unto death, and follow me.

Believe it or not,while visiting a small town in East Texas named Kirbyville,I had heard there was such an epitaph at one of the two cemeteries there.Out of curiosity several of us went to see for ourselves.Sure enough,there is an obelisk shaped tombstone with the entire poem on it.

Here I lie, snuck as a bug in a rug
Two rows down in same cemetary

Here I lie, snucker than that other bugger

Perry County, Pennsylvania
--Bette Clemens"

Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
Now she's at rest and so am I.
-- "Please do not use my name."

Hi!
Stay high
Bye
Found in Hookstown, PA, on tombstone with etching of marijuana plant on it.
-- --ejthoma

Here Lies
________
Born xxxx
Died xxxx
Dear Lord
She is thin
..(and around the corner on the next side) e
Saw this on one side of a tombstone

-- -- Sent in by Jerre J. Schermerhorn

I was Carolina Born
and Carolina bred
and here I lay
Carolina dead!
Lady buried at Chapel Cemem. UNC Chapel Hill

-- -- Sent in by jdill

The following is on the tombstone of a woman who died in New England in the colonial era:
"She did what she could"

-- -- Sent in by Naomi Pepper

Here lies Kelly,
We buried him today.
He lived the life of Riley,
....when Riley was away!
-- -- Sent in by Adis M Henry adispf

I Told You I Was Sick
-- found in Round Rock, TX. -- Sent in by Dusty Gilliam

Here Lies The Body Of A Man Who Died
Nobody Mourned - Nobody Cried
How He Lived - How He Fared
Nobody Knows - Nobody Cared
-- On a stone in Oconto Falls, WI cemetary. Sent in by Richard G. Fuller

Sorry, but I take exception to the "epitaph" I read today. The original story was that someone found this on a tombstone buried deep in the grass. Upon pushing the grass aside, he read:

Pause, stranger, when you pass me by,
For as you are, so once was I.
As I am now, so will you be.
Then prepare unto death, and follow me.
Pushing the grass aside a bit more, he found the following scratched on the stone, done with a crude instrument:

To follow you I'm not content
Until I know which way you went!

For as you are, so once was I.
As you are now, once so was I
As I am now, so you will be.
Embrace ye death and follow me.
-- 1700s -- in Hays County, Texas near San Marcos. The print on the pale gray tombstone was red.

Here Lies Joyce
She'd rather not
But no choice.
-- 11-24-96 Written by senior citizen Joyce Woodfin

Assuming my death
has occurred
And five doctors
have concurred..
Please REVIVE me!

If you can get
no breath
Take the person who
caused my death
and bury them
right beside me.

-- Written by senior citizen Joyce Woodfin

Ope'd my eyes
Took a peep.
Didn't like it
Went back to sleep.
-- This I found on a tombstone of a newborn in Ashby de la Zooch, England in 1949, sent in by Richard Wahner

We all have a debt
To nature due
I've paid mine
And so must you.
-- Seen in Rock Valley, Massachusets, circa 1755, sent in by Thomas R. Ohlin

-- Solomon Pease --
Here under this sod, and under these trees
Is buried the body of Solomon Pease
But here in his hole lies only the pod,
His soul is shelled out, and gone up to God.

-- More from the "Bathroom Reader" -- Seen in Falkirk, Scotland , sent in by Richard Fuller

-- Arabella Young, 1771 --
Here lies as silent clay
Miss Arabella Young.
Who on the 21st of May,
Began to hold her tongue.

-- Seen in Hatfield, Massachusetts, sent in by Richard Fuller

Grim death took me
without any warning.
I was well at night,
and dead in the morning.

-- Seen in Kent, England, sent in by Richard Fuller

-- Anna Wallace --
The Children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife
And the Devil sent him Anna

-- seen in Bibbesford, England.

Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates,
Who died Aug. the 6th, 1800.
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street,
Has every qualification for a good wife,
And longs to be comforted.
-- Seen in Lincoln, Maine, sent in by Richard Fuller

Here Lies Lester Moore
Shot 4 times with a .44
No Less
No More

-- we need to thank John Coe



He looked
for gold
and died of
lead poison
-- sent by frode s. stringer

Here lies the bones of Private Jones
For whom War held no terrors.
A private then, a private now
No runs, No hits, just errors.
-- sent by William M. Stokes

Here's to Johnny quite a guy
Very sad he had to die
All was well could not be better
Till he wrote my girl a letter.
-- sent by William M. Stokes

Wherever you be,
Let your wind go free.
For holding it in,
Was the killing of me.
-- on a tombstone in the country in Austrailian.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-26-2002 11:00 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

On a woman's tombstone in Montréal:

"I may have been a Miss, but I haven't missed much"

[Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 01-14-2003 07:13 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Headstone Humor

Found on real headstones:


Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down.
It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
******************************
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
******************************
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
*****************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. V
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
******************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.
*****************************
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
*****************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
******************************
And last but not least, a friend of mine found this in Key West:
Elmer Hodges
I told you I was sick! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-30-2003 09:43 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

"Is Fred home?"he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Sorry,"the woman replied."Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again."Is Fred here today?"

"No,sir,"she said,"I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he grumbled,"I suppose Fred is
gone for cotton again?"

"No,"the woman answered solemnly,"Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided,the collector decided to
wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself.But sure enough,there was poor Fred's tombstone,with this inscription:

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-08-2003 11:16 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Janine

WILLY:
I had an uncle who was the most polite man
who ever lived.

LILY: How polite was he?

WILLY: He was so polite that this tombstone reads,
" Pardon me for not standing." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-10-2003 12:08 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated :G [Smile]

OBITUARY POETRY


When the role of sharp, shrewd business men is called,
a prominent place will certainly be given to Thomas Smith,
sculptor, for he cut this in his wife's tomb:

"Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This
monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory
and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style $250.00."

There is glory enough for any man in this stanza which is
dedicated to a suicide:

"He never won immortal fame
Nor conquered earthly ills,
Yet men weep for him all the same
He always paid his bills."

The late Mr. Tugs relatives not only believed in brevity but were
evidently sure the deceased was out of trouble, for they put on
his headstone:

"Here lies Tom Tug,
As snug as a bug in a rug."

Last of all, and most unique is the originality of the lettering
artist who was ordered to inscribe "Let her rest in peace" upon a
tombstone. Not finding enough room for the entire sentence, he
abbreviated it in this manner:

"Let her r.i.p."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-25-2003 08:50 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

He was an angry man, my Uncle Swanny.

He had printed on his grave stone:'What are you lookin' at!?!'

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-28-2004 12:35 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:


Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
[Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-29-2004 12:56 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A golfer's epitaph:


When I die, bury my balls beside the old bag. [Big Grin]

[ 02-12-2005, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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