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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » State Jokes (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: State Jokes
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-08-2001 03:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter.

In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style."

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville.

They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo.

From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

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Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1492
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-08-2001 05:44 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated pg

So while Bob is raggin' on Texas, I might as well too!

This song was written and recorded by The Capitol Steps. Check out their halarious political C.D. Recordings! Sing to Willie Nelson

Mommas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be COWBOYS!

On a fine lookin' Sunday most people agree it's no big sin
To sit on your butts drinkin' some while watchin' some pigskin

Us Washington Locals don't like Texas Yolkols
They're such a bizzare bunch of guys

The question were sayin' while Dallas is playin' is
"Will the Defendant please rise!"

Mommas, don't let your babbies grow up to be COWBOYS...
'Cause out on the field they may play pretty well...
But 'tis hard to throw touchdowns while locked in a cell..

Their huddle formation is breakin' probation..
And O.J.s the next one they'l sign

Hey, why's the crowd roarin'
Could Dallas be scorin'?
Snortin' the 50 yard line!

Oh Bubbas whether the COWBOYS play Redskins' or Niners'
The game gets exciten' when Switzer is boarding jet liners

When the game runs out
They'll pull the big guns out
Like COWBOYS who once ruled the earth

They could win it this season
Which could be the reason
Next Superbowls at Levenworth!


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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3835
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000


 - posted 11-01-2002 12:36 PM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG  -

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!" The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in hell did you do that?!"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."  -

[ 11-21-2003, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: Paul Mayer ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-08-2002 09:43 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G  -

Minnesota


1. I came, I thawed, I transferred...
2. Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
3. If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
4. Minnesota-where visitors turn blue with envy.
5. Save a Minnesotan - Eat a mosquito.
6. One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
7. Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
8. Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.
9. Minnesota - come fall in love with a Loon.
10. Land of many cultures - mostly throat.
11. Where the elite meet sleet.
12. Minnesota: Closed for glacier repairs.
13. Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
14. Minnesota - glove it or leave it.
15. Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today?
16. There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota: Colder,
Older and Fatter.
17. Many are cold, but few are frozen.
18. Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
19. Warning: You are entering Minnesota, Please use an alternate route!
20. Minnesota: Theater of sneezes.
21. Jack Frost must like Minnesota, he spends half his life here.
22. Land of 10,000 Petersons.
23. Land of ski and home of the crazed.
24. Minnesota, home of the Mispi - Mispp - Missipsp (Where the
darn river starts!)
25. 10,000 lakes and no sharks!  -

[ 01-14-2003, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-12-2002 05:59 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G  - Sue Bee

SIGNS THE MOB IS OPERATING IN IOWA...

Helga's Cafe downtown has added mostaccioli to the menu.

An 'insurance consultant' stopped by. He told you need fire
'protection' for your prize bull.

Some guy named Guido won this year's apple-pie eating contest at the fair.

You didn't use 'union' tractor operators, and now there's a cow's head in your bed.

The new Alfalfa Queen wasn't much in the Talent or Swimsuit contests,
but she won the new Facial Hair competition going away...

You notice the new bank president has a chauffeur, a big guy wearing a white tie... It's Guido!

You missed a payment on your jumbo, air-conditionedtractor. The bank's late payment notice has a cartoon of a guy with a big smile, holding a baseball bat...

You know everyone in town, and can't figure out why so many visitors ask you for directions to Don somebody's place.

A guest from out of town will speak at the Grange tonight.
Subject: 'Poppies - Cash Crop for the New Millennium.  -

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3835
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000


 - posted 11-14-2002 05:24 PM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
From when I lived in Oklahoma City (Bethany actually), rated G

Q: What's the best thing to come out of Oklahoma?
A: I-40.

Q: Where's the best view of Oklahoma City?
A: In your rear view mirror.

Q: Why do Texans wear their hats with the brims curled up on the sides?
A: So they can fit three in a pickup truck.

Q: How do you compliment the looks of a pretty Oklahoma girl?
A: Say "nice tooth."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-24-2002 02:57 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [eyes] Becky

Texas Pride...

"Son," said a Texan to his little boy, "I just overheard you asking that new neighbor what state he was from. Now, you should never ask somebody that question. If he's from Texas, he'll tell you. And if he isn't, you shouldn't embarrass him." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-25-2002 03:21 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

BAD DRIVERS ARE EVERYWHERE!

How To Tell Where A Driver Is From!


1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes
   of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
   accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
   cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
   terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Waving everyone that you pass, eating a moon pie, sipping an RC,
   smiling and chewing and talking to yourself. TENNESSEE

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling
   cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on
   steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
   both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
   McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
    beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
    windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the
    left blinker on: FLORIDA

12. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on coffee
    cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying
    makeup/doing crossword puzzle/reading morning Free Press,
    knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals:
    MICHIGAN [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-28-2002 08:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30,Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski,Don't Bother

Connecticut:Like Massachusetts,Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes SureAre Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-28-2002 08:23 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Survivor, Texas-Style

Network TV is reported to be developing a "Texas version" of
"Survivor,"the recent popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:"I'm for Gore,I'm gay,and I'm here to take your guns."

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-03-2002 06:47 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
G [Smile] MICHIGAN

You know you are a true Michigander (Yooper) when:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2. "Vacation" means going down south past Petosky or Green Bay for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once!

5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
again.

6. Your whole family wears hushpuppies & blue & gold shirts to
church on Sunday & they yell Go Blue at the end of every prayer.

7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car & your girlfriend knows
how to use them.

12. There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at the Farm Fleet at any given time.

13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow.

15. You refer to the Wolverines as "we."

16. You know! All 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter and road construction.

17. You can identify an Ohio and Wisconsin accent.

18. You have no problem spelling Escanaba.

19. You consider the lower Peninsula exotic. ya hey!

20. You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Stroh's.

21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next
to your blue spruce.

22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

23. Down south to you means south of Da bridge, the deep south is south of Toledo.

24. A brat is something you eat.

25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine
shed.

26. You go out to fish fry every Friday at the Elks, Moose or
VFW.

27. You know how to polka.

28. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

29. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

30. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

31. Ya actch'lly understand dese jokes, & den ! you forward dem
to all yer Michigander friends [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-04-2002 01:53 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile] Visitor's Guide To Louisville, Kentucky

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. "It's Loo-vull."

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Louisville has
it's own. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way
stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Blue
haired ladies have the right of way at all times.).

3. To find anything it is required that you know where the "Old
Sears Building" is.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, "YOU WILL", be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00, evening rush hour
from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

6. You must know that "Jefferson Freeway", Gene Snyder Freeway",
"I-265", and "State Road 841" are the same road.

7, Construction is a permanent fixture in Louisville, the barrels
are moved around during the night to make the next days driving
more exiciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks,
dogs, barrels,cones, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars,
opposum, raccoons, squirrels, and crows or vultures feeding on the
above items.

9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
side of the road to let them know that it has been accidently
activated.

10. The minimum acceptable speed on the "Gene Snyder Freeway" (see
above) is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy. This
is Kentucky's version of NASCAR.

11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.

12. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you
are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.

13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city
driving.

14.If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

15. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting, the Kentucky Derby Festival is
going on.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-08-2002 11:57 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile] Alaska

Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get.

One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, hedecided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.

His wife was pretty pissed about his decision."Jon, you moron.Our neighbors can see you when you do this,you know."

He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again.

Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.

He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."

"That's right."

"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did."

"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there."

"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!" [Embarrassed]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-13-2002 07:41 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Frown] INTER-STATE

4 guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"

The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out. [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-16-2002 09:22 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile] TEXAS SIZE

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.


He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered,"Yes ma'am.Ya see,I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Eight and five-eighths."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill,and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked,"Sir,could I ask you a question?"

"Yes ma'am,I already know what it is.And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out,"Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter,the Texan replied,"From the floor,ma'am?"
[Big Grin]

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