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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Vampires

   
Author Topic: Vampires
Colin Wiseley
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 123
From: Blacksburg, VA
Registered: Dec 1999


 - posted 08-08-2001 10:09 AM      Profile for Colin Wiseley   Email Colin Wiseley   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rating PG-13

A vampire walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What can I get you?" The vampire replies, "A tall glass of blood." The bartender gets it, the vampire drinks it and walks out.

A little while later another vampire walks into the bar and the bartender says, "What can I get you?" The vampire replies "A tall glass of blood." The bartender gets it, the vampire drinks it and walks out.

A little while later a third vampire walks into the bar and the bartender says, "I bet you want a tall glass of blood." The vampire replies, "No, just get me a glass of hot water." The bartender then asks, "I'm surprised you just wanted water, the other vampires all wanted blood."

The vampire then pulls out a used tampon and says "Tea."


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Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1485
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-13-2001 02:43 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Question for 'yall

Are Vampires immune to V.D. and AIDS?

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-17-2002 01:02 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Vampire Jokes

What is a vampire's favourite food ?
Neck-tarines !

What is a vampire's favourite soup ?
Scream of mushroom !

What happened to the two mad vampires?
They both went a little batty.

What do vampires cross the sea in?
Blood vessels.

What do vampire footballers have at half-time?
Blood oranges.

Why did the vampire take up acting?
It was in his blood.

Who plays center forward for the vampire football team?
The ghoulscorer.

Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge?
Ghouldilocks.

Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?
Ghouldfinger.

When do vampires bite you?
On Wincedays.

Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?
He could really get into the vaultz.

What is the first thing that vampires learn at school?
The alphabat.

1st vampire: How things?
2nd vampire: Terrible! Today I received a letter saying I'm overdrawn by 50 pints at the blood bank.

Why is Hollywood full of vampires?
They need someone to play the bit parts.

Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup?
It clotted.

What's a vampire's favorite animal?
A giraffe.

Why was the young vampire a failure?
Because he fainted at the sight of blood.

What is the vampire's favorite slogan?
Please Give Blood Generously.

How does a vampire clean his house?
With a victim cleaner.

What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower?
A bat mat.

What do you call a vampire junkie?
Count Drugula.

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Batminton.

Why do vampires hate arguments?
Because they make themselves cross.

Did you hear about the vampire who died of a broken heart?
He had loved in vein.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Jamie.
Jamie who?
Jamie'n you're a vampire?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Twyla.
Twyla who?
Twylight is when the vampires and ghoulies come out to play.

Did you hear about the vampire who got married?
He proposed to his girl-fiend.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Neil.
Neil who?
Neil down before the vampire king!

Two men were having a drink together.
One said, "I'd rather live with a vampire than with my wife."
"Why's that?" asked the other.
"Because she's always trying to bite my head off," he replied.

Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?
They looked both ways before they crossed.

What do you call a vampire after it is one-year-old?
A two-year-old vampire.

Why was the vampire thought of as simple-minded?
Because he was a complete sucker.

What's a vampire's favorite hobby?
In-grave-ing.

What do vampires gamble with?
Stake money. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-30-2003 09:31 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!] Jeff in Newport News

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat but were having a little trouble deciding where to go.They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted some-thing a little more exotic.After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice.On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move.Each vampire grabbed a person,sucked them dry,and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first...sucked dry and tossed into the canal below!

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had a marvelous dinner.Now it was time to head back home to be sure to beat the sunrise.As they started to walk away, they began to hear some singing.They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.They listened as the alligator sang:"Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 02-04-2005 12:40 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 736 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-04-2005 12:40 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!]

TOP 10 COMPLAINTS OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES


10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from undead.

9. Three words: Daylight Savings Time

8. Can't enjoy a meal at BURGER KING without some redneck
yelling, "Look...it's Elvis!!"

7. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

6. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

5. All the crucifix-wearing Madonna clones make finding easy victims difficult.

4. No warm blood for miles around DC.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."

2. Fat-free blood tastes like crap!

AND THE #1 COMPLAINT OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES:

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-04-2005 12:41 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

THE PROS & CONS OF DATING A VAMPIRE*

Pro

-----------
Long relationships
Allowed to stay out late
Easy weight loss
Centuries of experience
Immune to all diseases
Always has amazing stamina
Loves neck nibbling
Rarely interested in arguing religion
Never comes home with garlic breath
Doesn't snore; sleeps like the dead [Big Grin]

Con
-----------
You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Kissing can be lethal
Monogamy is a problem
Always has cold feet and hands
Pet names that give you chills
Strange friends
Giggles at funerals
Hard to win an argument
May forget own strength [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-06-2005 03:11 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] cutie pa2ti

A vampire took a vacation on a cruise ship.

The headwaiter asked if he'd like to check out their menu.

"No Thanks," said the vampire. "But do you have a passenger list?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-06-2005 07:57 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner?

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.

Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"

Dracula replies with a yes.

And the bat says "Well, I didn't". [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-08-2006 10:13 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table.

The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like.

The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like.

The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like.

The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-23-2006 03:27 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake."

--Jack Handey

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 03-14-2008 11:52 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 721 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-14-2008 11:52 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated XXX [Eek!]

Two Lipstick Lesbians are on a plane when the engines start to fail. One of them runs back to the lavatory and opens the door and asks her partner inside if she shaved today.

She says, "Yes, why?"

"Whew, that's good! The flight attendant told me to run back and get you cause we'll be going down in less than two minutes." [Eek!]

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