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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Visits to the Doctor's Office

Author Topic: Visits to the Doctor's Office
Bruce McGee
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1776
From: Asheville, NC USA... Nowhere in Particular.
Registered: Aug 1999

 - posted 07-26-2001 04:13 PM      Profile for Bruce McGee   Email Bruce McGee   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Rated GP (it's an old joke)

A woman goes to the doctors office. She has a headache. The doctor walks in, and she says, "Doc, I got a headache!"

Doctor says "Uh-huh! Well, I'm gonna have to give you a thorough examination. Now, if you'll remove your clothes..."

The woman says, "WHAT? Remove my clothes? That's rediculous. I'm a married woman. I've been married 14 years and I've never gotten undressed in front of my husband, and I'm sure not gonna take them off in front of you!"

Doc says: "Sure, you are right. What was I thinking? Just step behind the screen there. You'll be perfectly safe."

So the lady goes behind the screen. She starts getting undressed. You can hear her rustling her clothes. Finally she gets finished and asks, "Where should I put my clothes?"

The Doctor replies: "You can drop them on the floor there like I did mine."

Attributed to the late Flip Wilson

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004

 - posted 12-03-2008 02:45 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 2686 days since the last post.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

 - posted 12-03-2008 02:45 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G to X [Smile] Bob


Did you hear about the call girl that had to get her appendix out?

The doctor sewed up the wrong hole and now she's making money on the side.

What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
A dry doc.

How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You're never covered as much as you think you are.

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
Saturday Night Fever.

Doctors bury their mistakes.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?
They were arch enemies.

As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or shortness of cash?"

My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse, then she got a little buggy.

When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns, you know the end is in sight.

Pathologists know how to cut loose.

If an operation to remove the appendix is an appendectomy, what is the name of the procedure that transforms a woman into a man?

An add-a-dick-to-me.

What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A spreader of old wives' tails.

Why did the proctologist use two fingers?
In case the patient wanted a second opinion.

Did you hear that researchers have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
They have shaky hands!

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn.

Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."

Jack was laying on a gurney in the hospital room, naked from the waist down, waiting for an operation. Like most hospitals, he lay there naked, and alone...waiting. A knock-out looking doctor finally comes in and notices a fly walking on top of his rather erect penis.

She exclaimed, "Shall I knock it off for you?"

Jack replied, "No, baby, just kiss me and I'll paste him to the ceiling."

A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice.

So, when construction was complete... the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colors, and the gynecologist's door was left open... just a crack.

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so.The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."

After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "Someone in that colony is cockeyed."

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.

They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob" and will be located next door to the Gay "Jiffy Lube."

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.

"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

This guy went to the doctor because he was having a terrible problem with bad breath. He told the doctor he had tried 10 different toothpastes, mouthwashes, breath mints, the works, but he just can't get rid of this bad breath.

After extensive testing the doctor came into the examining room and said, "I think I've found your problem. You're either going to have to quit biting your fingernails, or quit scratching your butt!"

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION; AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous red-haired beauty.

"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early."

Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

A guy goes to this doctor and has some questions so he says, "Every time my wife and I go on vacation, she gets pregnant. Went to France and she got pregnant. Went to Ireland and she got pregnant a second time. Went to Spain and she got pregnant a third time."

The doctor says, "Have you ever thought of using any kind of protection to avoid it?"

The man says, "No, I just thought that maybe next time I'd take my wife with me."

A lady walked into the dentist's office, took off her underwear, sat down in the chair and spread her legs wide. "You must have made a mistake," said the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher."

The lady replied, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix. "See, he was kissing his girlfriend Corinne, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."

"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."

"Yes, but from an IUD?"

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "Keep off the grass."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Dr. Whitcomb was examining a pretty New York high fashion model. "My, you have a big vagina! My, you have a big vagina!"

"Oh, Doctor," retorted the girl, "You didn't have to repeat it!"

"I didn't!" said the M.D.

The beautiful young lady in the dentist's chair was nervously wringing her hands. "Oh dear," she said, "I'm so nervous. It's so frightening. I think I'd rather have a baby than my teeth seen to."

"Well," replied the dentist, "Which would you like the most? Just let me know and I'll adjust the chair accordingly."

A man has a terrible accident and has to undergo surgery. When he awakens, the surgeon says, "I have bad news and good news for you."

"What's the bad news?"

"We had to amputate both of your legs."

"And the good news?"

"The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!"

After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.

"Who was that?!" demanded the doctor's wife.

"Er - just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.

"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "In whose profession? Yours or hers?!"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me either doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"Was he successful?"

"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that eye staring right back at him."You know, " said the doctor, "You really have to learn to trust me."

"Doctor," said the sex-crazed young lass, "Whatever can I do? I hate myself when I get up in the morning."

"In that case," said the doctor, "I suggest you sleep 'til noon."

Feeling his way into the optometrist's office, Jake said, "I sat on my eyeglasses and busted them. Will the doctor have to examine me all over again?"

"No," said the receptionist, "Just your eyes."

A Dr. was hurriedly going down the hallway when a nurse came rushing after him explaining that she needed his signature on a patients chart.

He reached into his pocket and was about to sign his name when he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. "Damn!" he says to the nurse, "Some asshole has got my favorite pen!"

A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

The doctor entered the waiting room. "I have some good news for you, Mrs.Douglas."

"Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss."

The doctor said, "I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas."


"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "What do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

An old doctor gets an emergency call in the middle of the night. He responds and finds himself at a one room cabin in the middle of the woods. Inside he sees, by the light of one bare bulb hanging from a wire, a woman in labor and a five year old girl.

As the girl holds the light for him to see, he delivers the baby. As he picks it up and spanks the first breath of life into it, the little girl says, "Hit him again! He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion." [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004

 - posted 10-06-2011 08:02 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 1037 days since the last post.

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 672
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999

 - posted 10-06-2011 08:02 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG...

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, so you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 672
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999

 - posted 11-01-2011 03:52 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG...

Ole was hunting geese up in the slough. He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was localized to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004

 - posted 07-26-2013 10:10 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 632 days since the last post.

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Randy Stankey
Film God

Posts: 6425
From: Erie, Pennsylvania
Registered: Jun 99

 - posted 07-26-2013 10:10 AM      Profile for Randy Stankey   Email Randy Stankey   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a duck on his head.
The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The duck says, "Well, you see, doc, it all started when I got this lump on my ass."

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