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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Women Only :) (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 12 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  10  11  12 
 
Author Topic: Women Only :)
Rachel Carter
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 248
From: Gloucester, Massachusetts, USA
Registered: Dec 2000


 - posted 07-14-2001 02:35 AM      Profile for Rachel Carter   Email Rachel Carter   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG-13 (I know I'm gonna get it for this one)

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's "willy" is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.

One who pulls out my chair & opens my door, massages my back & begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, knows just what to say when I ask "How big is my behind?

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the hall, in the shower, the garden and kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to screw any of my friends!

And as I kneel and pray beside my bed, I look at the Shit Head you
sent me instead!!!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-14-2001 10:53 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking: 

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for  a date. I know you went  out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I  give him my answer." 

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining.  And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful   car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... Let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! 

So then we are coming   back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" 

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress. 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-17-2001 07:00 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-17-2001 02:29 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Once a man walked in to the ladies department of Macy's one day.

Shyly, he went to the woman at the front desk. "

Um," he said, "I need a bra for my wife."

The woman responded, "Which type?"

With this, the man was confused. "There is more than one type?"

"Yes, why don't you look around." He looked and looked, but didn't know how to choose. So he went back up to the front desk, "How many types are there?"

"Four." she responed.

The man was still confused.

Noticing this the lady told him, "The types are Catholic, Salvation Army, The Presbyterian, and the Baptist type."

"What is the differance?"

"Well, the Catholic type holds up the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts what's fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps the staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes a mountain out of a mole-hill."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-17-2001 09:26 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Three couples went to a resturant. The guys wanted to compliment the women with something that was on the table.

"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first guy.

"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.

"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

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Jerry Chase
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1068
From: Margate, FL, USA
Registered: Nov 2000


 - posted 07-17-2001 09:44 PM      Profile for Jerry Chase   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

The fourth said "Please pass the gas, asshole."

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Geoffrey Weiss
Film Handler

Posts: 68
From: Lexington, KY, USA
Registered: May 2001


 - posted 07-18-2001 10:07 AM      Profile for Geoffrey Weiss   Email Geoffrey Weiss   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A 40-year-old woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical, and, after doing some tests and checking her from head to toes, he comes back and says, "Well, I've got good news. You're in excellent health and you have the breasts of a twenty-year-old. See you next year."

So she goes home feeling pretty good. When she walks into the living room, she tells her husband, "The doctor said I'm in excellent health and have the breasts of a twenty-year-old."

Her husband asks, "What did he say about your forty-year-old ass?"

"You weren't mentioned," she replies.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-20-2001 07:09 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. 

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for penny.

The second old lady nodded, then demonstrated the size of two big onions
she could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in with, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-24-2001 12:40 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rared G


A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and move in with with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so.

That night,
on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't fucking think so.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-27-2001 11:00 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-27-2001 08:42 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

I never married because there was no need.

I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.

I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-30-2001 08:48 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Two women talking at lunch.

Jill: I got a puppy over the weekend.

Mary: A pet! Good for you! Are you having any problems with him?

Jill: Well, maybe just one. I may have given him the wrong name.

Mary: What do you mean?

Jill: Well, I named him Jack, and Saturday night when my date was sitting in the living room, the dog got up on the sofa. I'm trying to teach him not to do that.

Mary: Yeah, so?

Jill: So in front of my date, I yelled, "Jack! Off!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-30-2001 09:23 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Two women talking.

Mary: My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.

Jill: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?

Mary: I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-31-2001 11:16 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


19 Sure-Fire Ways To Know You’re A Woman:

1. You’re a Bitch

2. If asked “Is something bothering you?” reply “NO” then get pissed off when you are believed

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening out.

5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, For example: You say “It’s no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.” when you mean “It means a lot to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not its possible!”

6. Whine

7.If he pays attention to you, he’s smothering you

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn’t do it as well as a past boyfriend

9. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it’s because he is lazy

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you

11. Complain

12. Hate any bar that he likes

13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything........ except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc........ these are required gifts proving his love

14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress in your life (also, see number 7)

15. Remember ANY woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread the word.

16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty whenever he is doing anything other than catering directly to your needs

17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2

18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given

19. Insert yourself into your boyfriend’s group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-31-2001 02:39 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The three animals woman like most:

1. Jaguar (the car)

2. fox (fur)

3. donkey (to pay for everything)

****************************************************************************
The Secret of Wisdom.

Once there was a young woman who heard that an old wise woman had the secret of wisdom.

The young woman was determined to track the old woman down.

After traveling many months, the young woman found the old woman in a cave.

She entered and addressed the old woman: “Old Wise Woman, I hear you have The Secret of Wisdom. Would you share it with me?

The old woman looked at the youth and said, “Yes, you seem sincere. The Secret of Wisdom is good judgment.”

“Good judgment, of course,” said the youth, thanked her mentor, turned and started to leave.

However, as she got to the entrance of the cave she paused, turned back and said, “Old Woman, I feel funny asking, but, if I may, how does one obtain good judgment?”

“That is a good question, which deserves an answer” said the sage.

“One obtains good judgment through experience.”

“Experience, of course,” said the young seeker, and proceeded to leave.

But she stopped in her tracks, and humbly walked back to her mentor. “Old Woman,” said the young woman, “I feel foolish, but I have to ask: How does one obtain experience?”

The old woman paused, nodded her head, then proceeded: “Now you have reached the right question. - How does one obtain experience?... Through bad judgment!”

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