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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Government (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2 
 
Author Topic: Government
Rachel Carter
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 248
From: Gloucester, Massachusetts, USA
Registered: Dec 2000


 - posted 07-14-2001 02:29 AM      Profile for Rachel Carter   Email Rachel Carter   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG-13

PARTY EMBLEM

The Republican National Committee announced today
that it is changing the emblem of the Republican Party
from an elephant to a condom,
because the latter more accurately reflects
the Party's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production,
destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks,
and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

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Steve Scott
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1300
From: Minneapolis, MN
Registered: Sep 2000


 - posted 07-16-2001 12:24 AM      Profile for Steve Scott   Email Steve Scott   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

ACTUAL QUOTES FROM GEORGE W. BUSH:
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"It's clearly a budget, it's got a lot of numbers in it."

------------------
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money!"


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Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1492
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-26-2001 10:51 AM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated pg

If Pro is the opposite of Con, then is Progress the opposite of Congress? !

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-21-2001 01:16 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.

The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three generals.

The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach espionage.

The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors, and General Dynamics.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-21-2002 11:04 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R JJ Living it up on the Left Coast

The government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-07-2003 03:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] IRS

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away
with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay
taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes . . . cash, check or money order. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-07-2003 03:48 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

The Tax Man Cometh!


There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.

The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

The path of civilization is paved with tax receipts.

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay
Congress not to raise taxes?

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 08-02-2005 05:24 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 907 days since the last post.


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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 663
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 08-02-2005 05:24 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G...

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
"Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant
neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an Atomic mass of 311.

These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4
days to complete when it would normally take less than a second

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay,
but, instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity
is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money
Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just
as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many
morons.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-23-2005 11:08 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Qualifying Examination

Income Tax Form Designer


Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit is four hours.

1. HISTORY

Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.

2. MEDICINE

You will be provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You will have fifteen minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING

2500 riot-crazed aborigines will be turned loose in the classroom with you. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects on our next election. Show who would have been our next President and why.

5. MUSIC

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the political stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a full-scale experiment to test your theory.

8. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE

Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm that can be used to optimize all managerial decisions. Design the systems interface and prepare all software necessary to program this algorithm on whatever computer may be selected by the examiner.

9. ENGINEERING

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle will be placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

10. ECONOMICS

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan on the wave theory of light and on the overcrowding of citizens band radio channels.

11. POLITICAL SCIENCE

Pick up the phone on the desk beside you and start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

12. EPISTEMOLOGY

Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity of your position.

13. PHYSICS

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiation on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long periods in that environment.

14. PHILOSOPHY

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare this with the development of other kinds of thought.

15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

Describe everything you know in detail. Be objective and specific.

16. EXTRA CREDIT

Define the universe. Give three examples. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-28-2005 07:36 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Under certain conditions, U.S. taxpayers are required to file an estimated income tax return. A friend of mine is so upset by this that he sends his in without either name or address.

His reasoning? "If they're gonna make me guess how much I'm gonna make, then they can guess who the hell sent it in!" [Big Grin]

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 663
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999


 - posted 01-22-2006 12:02 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG...

A guy goes to the US Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The
hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in
at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in
for that."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-23-2006 11:00 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Becky

Dear Internal Revenue Service:


Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6)hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-23-2006 11:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] B.B.

Stamp It Good! (Postage in U.S. now 39 cents)


I´ve got to mail this bill... It really is quite due, But the postage rates have changed And my stamps won´t get it through.

A U.S. stamp´s a bargain... To send from here to there, But the deuces are sold out It really isn´t fair.

Can I tape on two more pennies? Can I tear a stamp in two? All I really wanted... Was to get my mailings through.

Guess I´ll add another postage stamp The extra charge will be... Much less than they'd charge me For a late payment penalty.

~ Lynette Sheffield

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-03-2006 08:47 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has not been the hottest chick there."

--David Letterman, on Anna Nicole Smith appearing before the Supreme Court

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