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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Stagehands

   
Author Topic: Stagehands
Matt Rockwell
Film Handler

Posts: 11
From: Madison, WI, USA
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 10:24 PM      Profile for Matt Rockwell   Email Matt Rockwell   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Electricians

Why do they make lighting truss out of aluminum?

So it doesn't rust before the electricians get it in the air!

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Matt Rockwell
Film Handler

Posts: 11
From: Madison, WI, USA
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 10:27 PM      Profile for Matt Rockwell   Email Matt Rockwell   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Roadies

Signs you have been on the road too long:

1. You think sleeping in the console lid is comfortable

2. You never use the living room anymore cause the acoustics suck

3. Your welcome mat is gaffed down

4. You made a tape of the tour bus engine to play at night when you sleep

5. All your furniture has wheels

6. You have re-wired your whole house to use Hubbell Twist-lok plugs

7. You are home for a week before you stop dialling 9 for an outside line

8. Somebody gives you the thumbs up in the street, and you look for the monitor desk to turn up the mix

9. You lose interest in groupies

10. Your clothing no longer resides in a dresser, but rather a duffle bag

11. You have actually installed a 3 phase service in your house so that lighting and audio are on separate legs to eliminate hum and buzz

12. Your favourite incense smells like rosin core solder

13. When you are at home, you ask your parents what is the per-diem per day

14. Everything you own has your name on it and is stencilled "FOH" with krylon

15. Your home stairs are replaced with a ramp to facilitate EASY load in

16. Your kids entire wardrobe consists of your old road shirts.

------------------
Matt Rockwell
xenon wrangler / carbon master
IA #251

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3835
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000


 - posted 04-13-2002 11:52 PM      Profile for Paul Mayer   Author's Homepage   Email Paul Mayer   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Q: How tall is a stagehand?
A: I don't know; I've never seen one standing up.

------

Some university researchers were studying personality types that enter into various occupations. By random selection, the first three occupations to be surveyed were Doctors, Engineers, and Stagehands. The candidates were selected.

First up was the Doctor, who was led into the testing room. In the room was a small table atop of which sat three marble-sized steel balls. The researchers left the doctor alone in the room for ten minutes.

Upon their return, the researchers observed that the three steel balls had been sterilized--they were perfectly clean as though ready for some surgical procedure. The researchers noted the result and sent the Doctor on his way.

Next, the Engineer was put into the room for ten minutes. Upon their return the researchers noted that the three steel balls were now perfectly stacked one above the other in a vertical array. The researchers noted this result and sent the Engineer on his way.

Then the Stagehand was left in the room for his ten minutes. Upon their return the researchers noted the following:
  • One ball was missing.
  • One ball was broken.
  • The third ball was in the Stagehand's back pocket, with him swearing up and down that the producer said he could keep it.
-----
Q: How do you break a steel ball?
A: Give it to a stagehand. (See above.)
-----
A carpenter and an electrician had died and gone to Heaven, and were now standing before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them, and asked if there was any Earthly thing that they'd like to see before entering into the Ever After.

The electrician thought for a moment then said, "You know, in all my years doing shows, I never once saw a perfect blackout. How about letting me see one?"

"No problem." said St. Peter, and with that he yelled "Stand by!" and then "Out!"

Everything went perfectly black in perfect unison. After a bit St. Peter called "Stand by!" and then "Restore!"

Everything was lit as before. And the carpenter had struck the gates...

-----

Blackout t-shirt designed by Steve Varner, a local soundman:

Everyone in the world knows two things.
  • #1. Their name.
  • #2. Sound.
-----
Another blackout t-shirt (and the inspiration for one of my sig lines):
"IATSE Local xxx Mercenary Stagehands"
"When the money runs out, so do we."

-----

IATSE: I Always Take Something Extra
IATSE: I Am Tired of Seeking Employment

 -

[ 09-25-2004, 01:58 AM: Message edited by: Paul Mayer ]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004


 - posted 11-07-2004 06:42 AM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 938 days since the last post.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-07-2004 06:42 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!]

The new husband,a Cockney stagehand,had a most satisfactory nuptial night with his young bride.

Forgetting his marital state he quickly dressed himself,threw several half-crowns on the bureau,and headed for the door.

On the way out he recalled his new status and returned to his bride.

There he found her biting on the coins in an experienced manner. [Big Grin]

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