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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Funny Email chain letters

   
Author Topic: Funny Email chain letters
Darryl Spicer
Film God

Posts: 3250
From: Lexington, KY, USA
Registered: Dec 2000


 - posted 07-11-2001 07:05 PM      Profile for Darryl Spicer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to
you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every
ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more
often:
> > > * 54 times the sheets were clean
> > > * 17 times it was too late
> > > * 49 times you were too tired
> > > * 20 times it was too hot
> > > * 15 times you pretended to be asleep
> > > * 22 times you had a headache
> > > * 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
> > > * 15 times you said you were too sore
> > > * 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
> > > * 19 times you had to get up early
> > > * 9 times you said weren't in the mood
> > > * 7 times you were sunburned
> > > * 6 times you were watching the late show
> > > * 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new
> hairdo
> > > * 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
> > > * 9 times you said your mother would hear us
> > >
> > >* Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was
> not satisfactory
> because:
> >
> > > * 6 times you just laid there
> > > * 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
> ceiling
> > > * 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over
> with
> > > * 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I
> finished
> > > * 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I
> felt you move
> > >
> > >* TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
> > > Think you have things a little confused. Here are
> the reasons you
> didn't
> >get more than you did:
> > > * 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw
> the cat
> > > * 36 times you did not come home at all
> > > * 21 times you didn't cum
> > > * 33 times you came too soon
> > > * 19 times you went soft before you got in
> > > * 38 times you worked too late
> > > * 10 times you got cramps in your toes
> > > * 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
> > > * 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked
> you in the balls
> > > * 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
> > > * 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
>
> > > * 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
> > > * 20 times you lost the notion after thinking
> about it all day
> > > * 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a
> dirty book
> > > * 98 times you were too busy watching football,
> baseball, etc. on TV
> > >
> > >* Of the times we did get together:
> > > * The reason I laid still was because you missed
> and were screwing the
> >sheets.
> > > * I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling,
> what I said was,
> Would
> >you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
> > > * The time you felt me move was because you farted
> and I was trying to
> >breathe.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > * Once you read this letter you have to keep it
> going. This game has
> been
> >played since 1996. You must send this letter to 7
> people. On the 5th day
> >someone will ask you out or say "I love you." This is
> not a joke. It has
> >worked for many years. If you break the chain, you
> will have bad luck with
> >guys/girls forever.
> > > * This is just for future readers. This began in
> 1996, not much of a
> past,
> >but it works.
> > >
> > >* So here are the rules:
> > > * *If you read this on a Sunday, wish for a really
> fun week
> > > * *If you read this on a Monday, wish for money
> > > * *If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for love
> > > * *If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for
> success
> > > * *If you read this on a Thursday, wish for
> anything you want
> > > * *If you read this on a Friday, wish for a really
> hot date
> > > * *If you read this on a Saturday, wish for an
> important phone call
> > >
> > >* Send this to seven people (after you make a
> wish). Make sure it is
> sent
> >as soon as you read it or your wish won't come true.
> And check!
> >Michelle Verrone
> >Associate Vice President of Finance

Now I covered my bases send this to as many people as you can


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Matt Rockwell
Film Handler

Posts: 11
From: Madison, WI, USA
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 10:30 PM      Profile for Matt Rockwell   Email Matt Rockwell   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
OFFICE MEMO NYU Date:2/16/95
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION; ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-06-2003 07:02 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Fraudulent Chain Letter

The following article is reprinted with permission of the American Cancer Society:


- BEGIN REPRINTED ARTICLE -

Fraudulent Chain Letter
This statement may be copied or reprinted by online users.

The American Cancer Society is greatly disturbed by reports of a fraudulent chain letter circulating on the internet which lists the American Cancer Society as a "corporate sponsor" but which has in no way been endorsed by the American Cancer Society. There are several variations of this letter in circulation, including one which has a picture of "Tickle Me Elmo" and one that is essentially a paraphrase of the letter below.

The text of the original message reads as follows:

LITTLE JESSICA MYDEK IS SEVEN YEARS OLD AND IS SUFFERING FROM AN ACUTE AND VERY RARE CASE OF CEREBRAL CARCINOMA. THIS CONDITION CAUSES SEVERE MALIGNANT BRAIN TUMORS AND IS A TERMINAL ILLNESS. THE DOCTORS HAVE GIVEN HER SIX MONTHS TO LIVE.

AS PART OF HER DYING WISH, SHE WANTED TO START A CHAIN LETTER TO INFORM PEOPLE OF THIS CONDITION AND TO SEND PEOPLE THE MESSAGE TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT, A CHANCE THAT SHE WILL NEVER HAVE. FURTHERMORE, THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY AND SEVERAL CORPORATE SPONSORS HAVE AGREED TO DONATE THREE CENTS TOWARD CONTINUING CANCER RESEARCH FOR EVERY NEW PERSON THAT GETS FORWARDED THIS MESSAGE. PLEASE GIVE JESSICA AND ALL CANCER VICTIMS A CHANCE.

IF THERE ARE ANY QUESTIONS, SEND THEM TO THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY AT ACS@AOL.COM

As far as the American Cancer Society can determine, the story of Jessica Mydek is completely unsubstantiated. No fundraising efforts are being made by the American Cancer Society using chain letters of any kind. Furthermore, the email address ACS@AOL.COM is inactive. Any messages to the American Cancer Society should be instead sent through the American Cancer Society website at http://www.cancer.org.

This particular chain letter with its heartbreaking story appears to have struck an emotional chord with online users. Although we are very concerned that the American Cancer Society's name has been used to manipulate the online public, we applaud the good intentions of all who participated in this letter. We are pleased to note that there are so many caring individuals out there and hope that they will find another way to support cancer research. Jessica Mydek's story, whether true or false, is representative of that of many cancer patients who benefit daily from the efforts of legitimate cancer organizations nationwide.

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