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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Insults (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 4 pages: 1  2  3  4 
 
Author Topic: Insults
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 12:42 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Insults

You so ugly...

I know why you look like a horse, I saw your mom grazing in a field.

You so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

If ugliness were bricks, you'd be the Great Wall of China.

Your boy so ugly, you tried to give him a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.

You so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.

You so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You so ugly, they call you Moses, cause everytime you step in a lake the water parts

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 12:45 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Useful Unusual Insults...

He's as sharp as a beach ball.

Stupidity doesn't count as a handicap, park elsewhere.

I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I refuse to duel with and unarmed person.

The proctologist called!...they found your head!

His elevator won't go to the top.

She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

People would follow him,but only out of morbid curiosity.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.

If ignorance is bliss you must be orgasmic!

Everyone has a photographic memory you just don't have film.

You couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance.

Just because your head is pointed, that doesn't mean you're sharp.

May your life be like toilet paper--long and useful.

If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt and teach him to walk around backwards!

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, you're abusing the privilage.

All foam, no beer.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 12:51 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

There was once a beautiful lady sitting on the beach but she had no arms and legs.

She was crying and a young man came to see what was wrong.

He asked her, "Why are you crying?"

The lady said, "Well, because of my appearance, I have never been hugged before"

So the young man hugs her.

Then the lady says, "I've also never been kissed before."

So the young man kisses her, then the lady says, "iI've never been screwed before."

So the young man thinks for a moment, and says "ok".

He picks the lady up and throws her into the ocean. he says, "now you're screwed!!!" and walks away.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 12:53 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG


A mother and daughter were riding in a cab through New York City when the daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street corner. "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work," the mother replied.

"C'mon, lady," the cabbie interjected, "tell her the truth. They're hookers!"

After a stunned silence, the daughter piped up, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"

"Of course," the mother replied. "Where do you think cabbies came from?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 08:41 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

All Your Mama

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray!!

Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future!!

Yo mama like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded!!

Yo mama like the pillbury doughboy--everyone gets a poke!

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing
up!

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks!

Yo mama is like a doorknob everybody gets a turn!

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles, traffic slows down!

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Betsie Beadling
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 178
From: Fairfax, Virginia, USA
Registered: Sep 2000


 - posted 07-11-2001 08:55 PM      Profile for Betsie Beadling   Email Betsie Beadling   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This one i Heard in the Sister Act2 Movie

Yo Mamma Joke
Yo Mamma so fat She Sat on a Rainbow and Skittles Popped out

------------------

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 09:29 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

1.  If a fly went into your head it'd be a space invader

2.  You have a mind like half a dictionary, it never gets to think'

3.  I like the way you talk, except for two things - my ears

4.  You sound so good when you sing solo - so low nobody can hear you

5.  The last time I saw something like you, it was swinging off a tree branch at the zoo and eating a banana

6.  Roses are red, violets are blue, the tap in the kitchen reminds me of you--drip, drip, drip

7.  Don't worry if your job is small and your rewards are few, remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!

8.  If you had a brain transplant the brain would reject you.

9.  Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control

10. I heard you were at the dog show! Who won second prize?

11. You have a wonderful face. One look and people wonder.

12. I have seen better heads on matches!

13. Your mouth reminds me of a bike without breaks. It can't be stopped.

14. The rain makes all things beautiful
    The flowers and grasses too
    If rain makes all things beautiful
    Why won't it rain on you?

15. You have two ears and one tongue so why don't you listen twice as much as you talk?

16. Germs must love you, you're sickening!

17. Vampires must love you, you're such a pain in the neck.

18. Help reduce air pollution - stop breathing!

19. You grow on people, like a wart.

20. You have such a big mouth you could eat a banana sideways.

21. If I took an aspirin would you go away?

22. Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Boyer
    Boyer who?
    Boyer not much in the brain department!

23. You're so stupid that when you got a job as a babysitter, you thought you had to sit on the baby!

24. You think you are top guy
    The way you shout and pose
    But every time I look at you
    Your finger's up your nose!

25. You're such a cheapskate, you ate baked beans all week soyou could have a bubble bath on saturday

26. I think I think I smell a stink, I think I think I do. I think I think I smell a stink, oh it's only you!

27. Knock knock
    Who's there?
    I'm up
    I'm up who?
    Oh that's a relief, I thought I'd stood in something

28. If I gave you a towel, would you dry up?

29. Mummies must love you, you're so wrapped up in yourself

30. Q - How do you keep an idiot in suspence?
    A - Tell you tomorrow!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 09:32 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Yo Mama So Fat....

...she fell in love and she broke it

...she jumped on a scale and it said "to be continued"

...she jumped on a scale and it said "one at a time please"

...she jumped on a dollar and got four quarters

...she's got her own area code

...her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is just as big

...when God said let there be light, he told her to move her ass over

...she smokes a turkey after sex

Yo Mama's so old...

...she was in Jesus's yearbook

...when God said let there be light, she flipped the switch

...her driver's license number is one

Yo Family's So Poor...

...your house has a kickstand

...you have to go home and take off your clothes so your father has pants to go to work

Yo Dad's So Bald...

...he reaches into his pants just to run his fingers through his hair

Yo House is so Nasty...

...the roaches wear shoes

...you wipe your feet before going out

Yo Mama's So Stupid...

...she thought a quaterback is a refund

...I gave a penny for her thoughts and got change back

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-12-2001 07:53 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Your mama is so fat:

When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.

When she dances she makes the band skip.

When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.

She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. (<- clearly the winner)

Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.

Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

She has to iron her pants on the driveway.

The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.

Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!

Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out.

Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Whats funnier than an idiot who builds a house under water?
Your momma trying to burn it down

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-13-2001 09:04 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

So bad its good

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing
off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish
wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a
goblin.'

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a
dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third
grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor
lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died
peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

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Steve Scott
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1300
From: Minneapolis, MN
Registered: Sep 2000


 - posted 07-16-2001 12:21 AM      Profile for Steve Scott   Email Steve Scott   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yo mamma's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing
out the W's.

------------------
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-27-2001 01:48 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A man needs to get an artificial eye due to a work injury. The eye doctor shows him a glass eye and a wooden eye. He can only afford the wooden eye so he buys it.

He is embarrassed to have a wooden eye and doesn't socialize, but he hears of a handicap dance and decides that he would risk going. Surely no one would make fun of him at this dance since they have disabilities too.

When he gets to the dance he sees a beautiful young lady with a peg leg that no one has asked to dance. He walks up to her and says, "Would you like to dance?"

She replies, "Would I?!"

Shocked and angered, he yells back at her,  "PEG LEG!!!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-27-2001 08:37 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Yo’ Momma So Ugly...

• Yo'momma so ugly she has to get her vibrator drunk first.

• Yo'momma so ugly she puts on her makeup in the dark!

• Yo'momma so ugly they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.

• Yo'momma so ugly they turn off the cameras when she walks into a bank!

• Yo'momma so ugly she has to sneak up on her mirror.

• Yo'momma so ugly she got arrested for mooning when she looked out the window.

• Yo'momma so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.

• Yo'momma so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-30-2001 01:02 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Rated G ..

Yo mama's so fat, she's got more rolls than a bakery.

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-31-2001 02:27 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

You’re mama is so ugly,
she had to get the baby drunk to breast feed it.

You’re mama’s house is so dusty,
the roaches ride around on dune buggys.

You’re mamas so fat,
she wakes up in sections.

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