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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Movie Theaters (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: Movie Theaters
Rachel Carter
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 248
From: Gloucester, Massachusetts, USA
Registered: Dec 2000


 - posted 07-05-2001 07:53 PM      Profile for Rachel Carter   Email Rachel Carter   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated D for "Dumb"
PG-13


An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster Chuckie,
wherever I go Chuckie goes".
"I'm sorry Sir", said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals
in the theater. Not even a pet chicken".
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuckie
down his pants. He returned to the ticket booth, bought a
ticket and went into the theater. He sat down next to two old
widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the
chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants
so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?", asked Marge.
"He's unzipped his pants, and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "at our age we've seen them all."
"Yes I know", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"

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Gerard S. Cohen
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 975
From: Forest Hills, NY, USA
Registered: Sep 2001


 - posted 10-18-2002 12:46 PM      Profile for Gerard S. Cohen   Email Gerard S. Cohen   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-05-2002 08:29 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Forrest Gump Dies.....

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.

In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."

2. There are 12 seconds in a year."

3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......"

"OK, I give" said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"

Forrest said "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...? And the prayer... 'Our Father who art in Heaven Howard be thy name....'"

Saint Peter let him in without further ado.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-14-2002 09:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

THINGS WE LEARN FROM THE MOVIES

*During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

*All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

*Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

*The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty

*Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

*Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

*If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.

*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

*Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

*If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.

*Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.

*You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

*You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.

*When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

*Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.

*Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.

*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.

*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-20-2002 12:46 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X [Eek!] Hollywood

Hollywood is going to remake the "Exorcist". One major change will occur.

This time it will be about a mother who hires the Devil to get a Priest out of her son! [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-24-2002 03:53 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film.

One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"

The other goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-10-2002 12:55 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Sammy in Knoxville

The Top 17 Rejected Titles For The Movie "Twister"

17. "Totally Gone With The Wind"

16. "Lift and Separate"

15. "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn"

14. "Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn't Fit in the Plot"

13. "The Weather Channel: The Movie"

12. "Schindler's Twist"

11. "Field of Debris"

10. "Dead Man Flying"

9. "I, Cumulus"

8. "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"

7. "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"

6. "Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto"

5. "Killer Genuine Draft"

4. "Four Weddings & A Funnel"

3. "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"

2. "A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"

1. "Roofless in Seattle"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-10-2002 01:45 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Dr. Seuss Meets Pulp Fiction

I won't eat fries with mayonnaise,
I would not touch them anyways.

I would not drink five-dollar shake,
cause it gives me tummy-ache.

If i snort some uncut smack,
blood and mucus i will yak.

"Why don't you eat pork?" you whine,
it's just 'cause i don't dig on swine.

Would you could you with a shrimp?
Would you could you with the gimp?

I would not do so, but instead,
I think i'll blow off marvin's head. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-10-2002 01:47 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

Movie Sequels Nobody Wants To See

"Commandments 11-20: Moses Strikes Back"

"Three Men and a Sheep"

"Rocky 10: Rocky Fights Irregularity"

"Police Academy IX: Beating A Dead Horse"

"Babe II: Side of Bacon"

"Showgirls 2001: A Silicone Odyssey"

"Dumbo: First Blood"

"Waterworld 2: The Red Ink Sea"

"Eliminating Raoul"

"Home Alone 4: Under House Arrest"

"Dead Man Rotting"
"Driving Miss Daisy's Hearse"

"Pee Wee's Felonious Adventure"

"Lawrence of Bolivia"

"Kickboxer 3: Right in the Groin!"

"Weekend At Bernie's 3: Starting to Reek"

"To Kung Fu, Thanks For Everything, David Carridine"

"CoDependence Day"

"The Englishman Who Drove Into L.A. a Hugh and Came Out a John"

"Il Postino Disgruntilo" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-11-2002 07:02 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Big Grin]

The ABC's of Film Cliches

Artists:
Temperamental people.Writers crumple typewritten sheets in anger; They don't use word-processors.Painters stand with bare torsos, hurling gallons of paint at the canvas.

Baths:
Bubble baths hide everything.Bubbles never dissipate.

Bars:
Troubled men gulp their drinks at one shot,and ask for another.

Birth:
The trip to the hospital has endless problems and only by the sheerest
luck does the woman get to deliver in a place that has doctors.Just a
couple of hours after giving birth,she looks as if she'd never been
through it.

Cars:
No one ever bothers to lock their cars when getting out.

Car chases:
If you're trying to get away, the car won't start until you give it a few tries. It will inevitably get on the pavement and hit the vegetables of the Korean greengrocer.During chases,police cars will get battered more than the others.

Clothes:
When you steal clothes from a washline, they will be a perfect fit.

Eating breakfast:
Mothers get up before the rest of the household and cook a hearty meal.The family sits at the table thirty seconds before going out on their daily business,and make do with a bit of toast and half a glass of juice.The father takes three sips of coffee,glances at his watch and says hehas to leave,puts on his jacket while managing another sip.

Falling:
Women fall when chased. If there's a man around, he'll pick her to her
feet and help her run.

Falling in love:
Love has many faces,in film too, but if the parties are opposites,
success is assured:him serious,her fickle;her serious,him wild.The first meeting involves a mishap,some confusion,a mistaken identity
or perhaps a collision, be it in a corridor or in a motorcar.

Glasses:
Glasses are a handicap.Men in glasses are, god forbid,
"Philosophers","Scientists", "Teachers", "Intellectuals". When a man becomes an active hero,his eyesight becomes 20-20 and he doesn't need glasses any more.Women who wear glasses are sexually repressed. When they loosen up the glasses disappear.If they wear contacts,one will fall to the ground and everyone will drop to the floor to look for it.

Health:
Coughing is a symptom of a terminal disease.

Hugging:
American families like to hug.When hugging,one should say,"I love you,son".

Locks:
Any lock can be opened with a credit card or a hairpin.

Money:
In a restaurant,when the woman leaves after fighting with her man, he
will toss a couple of notes on the table without checking the bill. Same thing in bars.There is never a problem with change.Same thing in
hotels and taxis.

Panic:
When in deep panic the woman screams,hands on cheeks.

Phones:
People don't introduce therselves,nor do they say "bye" when they're
done.They remember a huge amount of phone numbers by heart: high school friends they haven't seen in years, government offices, every restaurant in town (they also remember the head waiter's name).They seldom need a phone book,an address book or operator assistance.When the phone wakes you up in the morning,you grope for it with your hand and drop it on the floor.

Police:
The bosses are always mad at their top detective,threatening to suspend him.After they do,he manages to solve the crime single-handed. Police bosses are under pressure from the mayor,who threatens them that if they don't get the serial killer.. and so on ad nauseum.

Pregnancy:
If a woman has dizzy spells that means she is pregnant(and surprised).
When she tells her man he is even more surprised.

Radio/TV:
When the hero wants to hear a newscast he turns it on exactly as the
newsreader gets to the point and shuts it down right afterwards.If a
friend calls you and tells you to watch for an interesting news item, you turn it on and the item starts right away.

Ropes:
Very easy to get out of, using supple fingers or rubbing against a sharpobject.Still the hero will pretend to be tied up so he can jump at the appropriate moment.

Schools:
Lessons are very short and the bell cuts the teacher in mid sentence.

Shootouts:
Heroes are shot in the arm or leg;they improvise a bandage to restrict blood-flow and go on fighting evil.

Shopping:
Put your purchases in a brown paper bag; it will fall apart before you
reach the kitchen.If this happens in the street or the stairs it is anexcellent way to meet someone of the opposite sex.

Tears:
Women will cry in the bath or the shower.When crying in the shower,
their back will slide down the wall slowly until they end up sitting onthe floor.Men cry in the battlefield, especially when it rains.

Soldiers:
If a soldier shows his friend a photo of his small-town sweetheart,he
will die soon.If he's about to go on a coveted leave,he will die soon.
If he tells his friend about a dream he had -- well,you get the idea.

Technology:
From any computer you can - with the help of the wheelchair expert -
infiltrate any large organization and access files on the laptop computer of any villain.

Views:
From any apartment in Paris you can see the Eiffel tower.From any
apartment in New York you can see the Brooklyn Bridge / Empire State
building.

Weather:
When the heroine says "I think it's going to rain" it immediately does.

Toilets:
Only men actually use toilets.Women just use the bathroom for their
makeup.
[Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-11-2002 09:12 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Forrest Who?


Forrest Gump
Life is like a box of chocolates...

Forrest Abbot
No, who is not eating chocolate!

Forrest Adam and Eve
Let's just take a bite...

Forrest Adultery
You just can't have one chocolate

Forrest Allen
Chocolate, huroof...

Forrest Ali
Chocolate's the greatest!

Forrest Alimony
The Box is mine!

Forrest Andrews
The Hills are alive... like a box of chocolates!

Forrest AOL
Free chocolates! Sign up now!

Forrest Apollo
Houston! We are running out of chocolates...

Forrest Babe
Life is a box of choc-choa-che..candy

Forrest Barney
I love chocolate, you love chocolate, we're a box of chocolates...

Forrest Beavis
Heh heh,... you said Box...

Forrest Bill and Ted
Dude, Life's totally a box of Chocolate! ---EXCELLENT!----
___AIR GUITARS TRIUMPHANTLY_____

Forrest Bond
My name is Bond, Chocolate Bond

Forrest Bones
Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a box of chocolates

Forrest Bush
Read my lips... see, I didn't eat chocolates

Forrest Butler
Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate!

Forrest Butt-head
Uh,... life is like a box of um..chocolates...

Forrest Calvin
It's not a box of chocolates, it's a transmorfgorizing ray

Forrest Capitalism
No money, no chocolate

Forrest Christ
I am the Way, the Truth, nobody can go to My Father... even if you own a lot of chocolates
-OR-
Let he without sin, eat the first chocolate

Forrest Churchlady
Chocolates,...well, isn't that special...

Forrest Clinton
I didn't inhale the cream centers

Forrest Coca-Cola
Chocolate is sh*t, coke is it!

Forrest Communism
You can't eat your own chocolates

Forrest Copperfield
POOF! The chocolates are gone!

Forrest COPS on location
Bon bons-bon bons!
Whatcha going to do?
Whatcha gonna do, when someone eats you!?

Forrest Costello
Who's eating chocolate?

Forrest Dahmer
People are like a box of chocolates, YUM!

Forrest Darwin
Chocolates are evolved from sh*t because they both look the same when
melted and both can be hard or soft... and nobody will let them melt in their hands

Forrest Dating Game
Bacholer number two...
If I was a piece of chocolate...
What would you fill me with?

Forrest Eastwood
Make my day... with chocolates
-OR-
I know what your thinking...
Did he eat five chocolates, or did he eat six?
Well let me ask you...
Do you feel hungry PUNK? ...well...DO YOU?"

Forrest ERA
All chocolates are created equal but some are nuts

Forrest Fued
Life is like a?
Box of Chocolates...
Ooh good answer, good answer....
Box of chocolates...SURVEY SAYS?"

Forrest Fife
This Box of Chocolates is a lethal weapons!

Forrest Freud
Is life really a box of chocolate... or is it your mother you want?

Forrest Fudd
Wife is wike a box uv chocowates

Forrest Garth
"Hey mister chocolate man, whose trying to kill you? I don't know but her better not...

Forrest GE
We bring chocolate to life

Forrest Genesis
In the beginning, there is no chocolate

Forrest Government
We are here to help... finish your chocolates

Forrest Hall
Will you take the Box of Chocolates... or what's behind CURTAIN NUMBER TWO

Forrest Hefner
Keep the chocolate, lose the box

Forrest Hillary
Hey Bill,...those are my Chocolates!

Forrest Ice
If you got a chocolate,
Yo I'll box it.
Check out my life,
As my D.J Rocks it!

Forrest Intel
Chocolate Inside

Forrest Jackson
Little kids like my box of chocolates

Forrest Kennedy
Don't ask how many chocolates your country can give you, ask how many you can eat.

Forrest King
I have a dream... all chocolates are after me

Forrest KKK
White chocolates only!

Forrest Latin
Ifela sia a oxba foa hocolatesa

Forrest Lauper
People just wanna have chocolate

Forrest Lee
Fight with your inner chocolate

Forrest Lennon
Imagine there's no chocolate...

Forrest Limbaugh
Life may be a box of chocolates, but the Democrats are all nuts...

Forrest Lincoln
Four score and several chocolates ago,...

Forrest Luke
May the chocolate be with you

Forrest Marx
That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen...

Forrest Math
It's best when you use your fingers

Forrest McClain
I used to be a box of Chocolates

Forrest McDonald
Warning! Our hot chocolate is really HOT

Forrest Moses
I command the chocolates to separate!

Forrest Native Americans
These chocolates are moving to a smaller box...

Forrest Nicholson
You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate

Forrest 900-line
Oooh, can I suck your cream filled chocolates?!

Forrest '95
The box is the same, but the chocolates are upgraded

Forrest Noah
2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter...

Forrest Of Borg
All chocolates must be assimilated

Forrest of Fortune
LIFE I_ LIKE _ _X _F CH_C_L_TE_

Forrest O'Hara
Tommorrow, is another box of chocolates

Forrest on phonics
Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets

Forrest Pig
Life is a box of chok-choa-che...candy

The Forrest Plague
Ewww...these Chocolates are bad!

Forrest Popeye
I yam a box of Chocolets...eg eg eg eg!

Forrest Presley
Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate!

Forrest Press your Luck
Box of Chocolates! No Whammies...STOP!

Forrest Psychic Line
Yes, I knew you were a chocolate

Forrest Reagan
Life is a box of um,... I don't know, I forgot!

Forrest Rivera
People who like Chocolate... Next on 'Forrest'

Forrest Rodney
Why is it that we are all chocolates?

Forrest Rooney
Why is it, that we are all chocolates?

Forrest Ross
Life is a happy little box of chocolates!

Dr. Forrest Ruth
Chocolates are good, sex is even better!

Forrest Santa
Ho, ho, ho, choco_are_late this Christmas

Forrest Satan
Life is a box of melted chocolates (Sign)

Forrest Scooby Doo
Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!

Forrest Scotty
The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n!

Forrest Shakespeare
Chocolate, or no chocolate. That is the question

Forrest Simmons
Chocolate is bad! EXERCISE! EXERCISE!

Forrest Simpson
I'm going to kill you if you eat my chocolates

Forrest SkeeLo
I wish I had a box of Chocolates.

Forrest Spock
Logically speaking, we are all chocolates

Forrest Stooges
Look Chocolates...nyuk nyuk nyuk
Scram Wise guy **BOink**
Leave him ALone Moe!
Oh you want in on it too...**SLAP**/CRASH/"

Forrest Tannen
Chocolates! McFly!

Forrest the Frog
Someday we'll find it,
The chocolate connections,
The plain ones,
The cream filled....and me...

Forrest the Great
Ha Ha Ha... all chocolates are mine!

Forrest the Hun
Chocolate all mine!

Chief Justice Forrest Thomas
I never touched her milk-duds!

Forrest Trebek
The answer: This is like a box of Chocolate! The Question: What is Life?

Forrest Turner
What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?

Forrest Twister
Where are my chocolates!

Forrest Unabomb
Let me pack it like a box of chocolates

Forrest Vader
Luke, I am your chocolate!

Forrest Valujet
Our chocolates are cheap, really cheap

Forrest Ventura
Chocolates! ... Alll-Riighty then...!"

Forrest Wayne
Sh-yeah...and life is like a box of chocolates as if...

Forrest WWW
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a chocolate

Forrest X
We didn't land in the box of chocolate. The box of chocolate landed on us

Forrest Yoda
There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate...

Forrest Zen
I am one with the chocolate

The Forrest Zone
There is another dimension,
beyond that which is known to man,
It's a dimension of cream-filled bon-bons,
or nutty carmel turtles,
and it lies in the white cardboard box,
in the pit of my lap.
It is a candy coated center of comparision,
And it is a place we call, The Forrest Zone.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-27-2002 10:07 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G They say this is a true story..... From:Jg

My husband and I were at the movies recently,when a middle aged couple sat down in front of us.The man was complaining about being stuffed from dinner and his wife whispered, "Just loosen your belt a little."He loosened his belt and apparently also undid his button.

About half-way through the movie, a rather large lady,seated on the other side of the couple got up to go out and when the man stood to let her pass he realized that his zipper had opened,so he attempted to pull it up while he was standing.When he did the zipper caught on the lady's dress.This caused her to stop when she felt the tug and she hissed "What are you doing?Let go of me!"He,being afraid her dress would tear,grabbed her arm and said "Wait,don't move!"

Now the lady got a little louder "LET ME GO!" she cried.This got his wife's attention and she chimmed in, "Harry,what are you doing,have you lost your mind,let her go!"

At this point the lady started jerking at her dress, causing poor
Harry's pelvis to jump forward in a most provocative way.Right at
this moment a movie employee had arrived and spotlighted the scene
with a flashlight.

There stood Harry, his belt flopping,his fly unbuttoned,with his
pelvis tight against the lady's butt.

I could hear him trying to explain all the way up the aisle,as he
shuffled along behind the distraught lady,with his poor wife in tears following along.

I understand they eventually got the whole mess straightened out,
but I was laughing so hard that I couldn't get it under control and
had to leave.Good thing I had read the book.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-10-2003 09:21 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Spielberg's New Film


Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-11-2003 09:38 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [thumbsup]

Amazing Dog


Jack went to the cinema one day, and in the front row was an old man and his dog.

During the sad parts of the movie, the dog cried his eyes out. In the funny parts, the dog laughed its head off. Throughout the film, Jack couldn't help watching the dog react to what was on the screen.

After the movie had ended, Jack decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen," said Jack. "Your dog really seemed to enjoy the film. I am so very amazed"

The man turned to Jack and said, "Nothing amazing about it. He enjoyed the book so much, I would have been amazed if he hadn't liked the movie." [Cool]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 02-07-2003 08:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Movie Translations

Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:


I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence.

I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Yah-hah, evil spider woman!

I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

Greetings, large black person.

Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feet son some ass of the giant lizard person. [Big Grin]

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