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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Bars & Pubs (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 28 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  26  27  28 
 
Author Topic: Bars & Pubs
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 07:58 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

Jim, a short middle-aged man, walks into a local bar.

Unfortunately, there's a pile of dog feces just inside the door,and he slips on it and falls over.

He gets up, and walks to the bar to buy a drink.

Sam, a 6-4, 245-pound college football player, then enters the bar. He slips on the same pile, gets up and buys a drink.

Jim turns to an embarrassed Sam, and trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

"WHAT?? shouts Sam, who punches Jim in the mouth.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-04-2001 03:52 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The bartenderpours him the drink and the guy swallows it."Wow", says the bartender, "Had a rough day?".

"I got off work early today," answered the guy, "went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender pours the guy another shot.

"This one's on the house."

The guy destroys it once again.

The bartender asks, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answers, "Yep, I walked up to her, told her we're through."

"What about your friend?" asks the bartender. "I looked himstraight in the eye and said BAD DOG!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-04-2001 07:36 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

5 Stages of Drunkenness   

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICHT his is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART,so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-04-2001 07:40 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

There was a man who was a heavy drinker who went to a different bar in new york every night to play drinking games with the most seasoned drunks.  

One night he walks into a bar and see's a sign that reads "win 1000 dollars".  

So he asks the bartender how he could go about winning the cash.  The bartender looks at him and says "well first, you have to chug that whole gallon of pepper tequila without making a face".  

The guy looks at him and laughs.  

The bartender looks at him and says "Then there is an aligator in the back room that has a sore tooth, you have to pull it out."  

The man says "I'm an expert with animals."  

The bartender then continues, "The last feat is that there is an old lady upstairs that has never had an orgasm, and you must make her reach climax"  

The man seeming confident says that he will take the bet.  The bartender hands him the gallon of pepper tequila and he starts chugging not making a face, but heavily sweating.  

The man, seemingly plastered from this task, wobbles into the backroom and closes the door.  

The people outside cheer as they listen in, they hear thumps and splashes, growls and more thumps.  The sounds finally end with a final growl from the alligator, everyone rises and cheers to the sound.The man staggers out, holding himself up with the wall, drenched with sweat and yells out "Now where the hell is that bitch with the sore tooth"   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-04-2001 07:49 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Pub Quiz Triva   

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Goldenretriever.

Dumbest: Afghan hound.

Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and in lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great kingf rom history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great,Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-05-2001 02:29 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

One night two men are sitting in a new bar.

The bartender lean's over to ask his first customers what he should name his bar.

Bartender: I want to name it something with the name "susan" in it.

The first man says to the bartender: How about.....Susan's hair?

The bartender says: Hmmmmmm.........I like the susan part but not the hair.

The second guy says: How about susan's hands??

The bartender again says: I like the susan's part but not the hands.

Then the first guy stands up and says: I GOT IT!! You should name your bar Susan's Leg's!

The bartender says: I like it! You two can come in before I open tomorrow for a free drink!

So the next night the same men are waiting for the bar to open.

A policeman walks by and asks the two men why they are out so late and they tell the policeman:

We are waiting for Susan's Leg's to open so we can get a drink!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 07:41 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

This guy comes home from a bar and is very drunk.

His wife asks him where he was and he replies that he was at a bar that had Gold Carpet, Gold Curtains, Gold Shot Glasses and even a Gold Urinal.

His wife told the man that no bar has a Gold Urinal and to go to bed. She got to wondering where he was that night, so she started calling all the bars in town.

She called the 1st bar and asked bartender if they had Gold Carpet, which he replied "No!" So,she called the 2nd bar and asked if they had a Gold Carpet, andt he bartender also said, "No, we don't." She called the last bar and asked the same question. The bartender answered back saying, "Yes! We even have Gold Curtains and Gold Shot Glasses."

The wife asked the bartender if she could ask him one more question. He said, "Go for it."

She asked him if they happened to have a Gold Urinal, then she could hear the bartender holler: "Hey, Mac! Take the other line, I think we have a lead on that guy who pissed in the Saxophone."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 12:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG :eek

One day, Daniel was feeling horny and decided to pay a visit to the local strip bar.

He went in, ordered a couple of drinks and waited for the show to start.

Another person came in and sat behind him.

The strippers came on stage and started dancing. Th person behind Daniel started yelling and cheereing.

Daniel ignored him.

The strippers took off their tops, and the guy behind Daniel cheered even louder.

A little while, and many sexy moves later, they took off their bottoms. The guy behind Daniel sighed, then was silent

Dainel turned around and asked " Where's your excitement now, huh?".

"On your back." he replied, smirking.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 11:19 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. 

As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right.  My last four scores were seven years ago."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 11:23 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

15 Signs You Drank Too Much


15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.

14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.

8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
 
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 11:26 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.

He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The drunk looks up and says, "is this God trying to warn me?"

The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 11:29 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 03:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to
drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar.

He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.

He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.

He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!?!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 03:42 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The Best Beer

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies= "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-16-2001 12:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Once a man was walking and saw a beggar on the street. He said to the beggar "Now if I give you five dollars will you buy cigarettes?" the beggar answered "No, I don't smoke"

Then the man said "Well if I give it to you will gamble with it?" Once again the beggar replied "No, I don't gamble."

The man then said "Will you buy beer with it" The beggar once again said "No I don't drink."

The man said "Here, you can have the five bucks if you'll come home with me. I want to show my wife what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, gamble or drink."

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