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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Golf (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 34 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  32  33  34 
 
Author Topic: Golf
Gordon Hedges III
Jealous of everyone not me

Posts: 212
From: Severn, MD
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 07:34 PM      Profile for Gordon Hedges III   Email Gordon Hedges III   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG-13


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Gordon Hedges III
Jealous of everyone not me

Posts: 212
From: Severn, MD
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 07:40 PM      Profile for Gordon Hedges III   Email Gordon Hedges III   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."

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Gordon Hedges III
Jealous of everyone not me

Posts: 212
From: Severn, MD
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 07:45 PM      Profile for Gordon Hedges III   Email Gordon Hedges III   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG-13

Gotcha

The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but hey who doesn't need more money right.

To make it fair he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested two gottchas. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent, he agreed.

Then went out to the first tee and the member took a swing and his ball and sliced mightily. Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw and swung his driver hard between his legs "GOTTCHA!" he screamed.

Crenshaw squirmed in agony, fell to the floor clutching his groin with tears streaming down his face. "That's one gottcha gone" said his challenger. Crenshaw took quite some minutes to compose himself again and played on.

At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw had lost,his only comment "ever play a round of golf waiting for the second "gottcha?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-05-2001 07:33 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A man is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him.

The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second
guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes.

The second guy says: "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for a $5 a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms.

Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of
the eighteenth hole and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.

The Priest says: "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says: "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says: "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-19-2001 08:59 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer.

Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time.

He gets up very early and golf's all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.

It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long.

So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-26-2001 01:25 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right .

I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.

She began to massage his crotch.

She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

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Gordon Hedges III
Jealous of everyone not me

Posts: 212
From: Severn, MD
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 07-31-2001 11:14 PM      Profile for Gordon Hedges III   Email Gordon Hedges III   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G (For GREAT Golf Achievement)

This was released by AP on July 31, 2001:

3 year-old makes hole-in-one at California course

July 31, 2001


LAKE FOREST, Calif. (AP) -- Three-year-old Jake Paine swung his Snoopy driver and watched his golf ball soar 40 yards in the air, roll 25 feet and drop into the sixth hole at Lake Forest Golf and Practice Course.

``Daddy, I got a hole-in-one!'' the little boy told his father, Bill, after the ball dropped in Monday.

The feat was logged by the course, assistant starter Jeff McDonald said.

Jake's shot may be a record. The Guinness Sports Record Book published in 1997 said the youngest person to get a hole-in-one was 5.

Jake, of Rancho Santa Margarita, called it a ``Tiger shot,'' referring to his hero, Tiger Woods, who got his first hole-in-one when he was 6.

The youngster, who got a special permit to play golf a year ago, ended up shooting 48 on the nine-hole, par-29 course.

When asked to repeat the feat later that day, Jake -- who has never had a lesson -- stepped up to the tee and dropped the ball only a few feet from the cup.

As he left the course for the day, Jake yawned and told his dad, ``I'm sleepy. I can have more Tiger shots tomorrow.''



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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-04-2001 09:02 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

These two guys were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.

"You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can’t lose it?!’"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but the guy shows his friend all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies," Found it."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-05-2001 10:14 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf.

Just  before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman  walks up carrying  her clubs.

She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can  join them. 

The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of  you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. 

Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball.

She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole.  They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. 

She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of  your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he will never forget. "

The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."

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Gordon Hedges III
Jealous of everyone not me

Posts: 212
From: Severn, MD
Registered: Apr 2001


 - posted 08-21-2001 03:11 AM      Profile for Gordon Hedges III   Email Gordon Hedges III   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-27-2001 10:24 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG :

THE WORST FOURSOME IN "GOLF"

1. MONICA LEWINSKY
2. O.J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

"WHY?" YOU ASK? WELL.......

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O.J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND....
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-27-2001 02:45 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

One time at a local golf course three shitty players were going out for a round of golf at 8 a.m.

Just as they were teeing off the course pro walked by.

One guy yelled out, ''Hey pro want to join us?''

The pro said sure and got his clubs and came out.

The first guy walked up to the tee box and hit. The ball hooked onto another fairway.
The guy turns around and asks the pro, ''What did I do wrong?''

The pro, knowing that this would probably take a while, looks at him and says ''LOFT.''

The guy pretended to understand this and put his club back in his bag.

The next guy walks up to the tee box and hits. The ball slices into the parking lot. Again the guy asks what he did wrong.

The pro again says ''LOFT.''

Then the last guy walks up and hits. The ball this time goes five feet off the tee box.

The guy again asks and the pro says ''LOFT.''

The first walks up to the pro and asks, ''What does loft mean if everybody sucks?

The pro says, ''There's nothing wrong with your swing it's just a LACK OF FUCKING TALENT!!!''

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-01-2001 12:30 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

10 Things in Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-01-2001 12:33 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G     []   
       

Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?

Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.

Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?

''Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?''
''Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mr. Smith. You caught me off guard.''    

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-02-2001 09:14 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club.

The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range.

The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says not bad. Golf pro,"Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.

The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golf pro, "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick."

She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golf pro, "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball." 

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