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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Genie Jokes (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3 
 
Author Topic: Genie Jokes
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 01:23 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied, reached into his tackle box, and pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven,"vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Sven says, addressing the genie, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there,waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a Million ducks, flying overhead.

Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-04-2001 03:17 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated XX

A man was trying to teach his wife how to play golf.

While she was playing, she did a horrible slice and the ball crashed intoa near by house's window and also broke a vase.

"CRAP!" The woman said.

They went over to pay for any damages,and when they got there they saw a half-naked man wearing a turban.

The strange man exclaimed that he was a genie and the vase they broke freed him, and would give them two wishes and would keep the last wish for himself.

They talked a while and asked for a mansion. The genie said,"When you return you shall have a house so huge nothing could come close in comparison to it." For the second wish, they asked to both (sometime in their life) be in the PGA tour and win.

The genie repied, "You will not only win but will also hold an outstanding new record."

Now this was a very horny genie, so for his third wish he wished to fuck the man's wife. They thought it over and decided it was fair, so the genie fucks her every way in the book.

Afterwards the woman asked the genie what it felt like trapped in a vase all those years, and the genie replyed. "You still believe in that genie shit?"   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-06-2001 08:23 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

There were three men on a ranch grooming their horses. All of a sudden, a genie appears and says to the men, "I will each grant you one wish, then I must go."

The genie turns to the first man and says, "What is your wish?" The first man thinks for a while and then says, "I wish for my dick to be as big as my horse's."

The genie says, "Okay, just go to sleep, and when you wake up, your dick will be as big as your horse's."

Then the genie turns to the second man and asks him what he would like to wish for. The second man thinks hard then says, "I wish for my dick to be two times the size of my horse's." The genie asks, "Are you sure that's what you want?" The second man nods his head. "Okay, go to sleep and when you wake up, your dick will be twice the size of your horse's."

The genie turns to the third man and asks him what his wish is. "Um, I wish for my dick to be three time the size of my horse's." The genie asks him, "Now, are you sure that's what you want?" The third man says, "Yup! On second thought, make that four times the size" The genie tells the third man to go to sleep and when he wakes up, he will have his wish.

The next morning, the first man gets up and shouts..."Hooary! My dick is big!"

The second man runs to the first man and says, "That's nothing, my dick is HUGE!"

The third man comes into the room crying. The two other men ask him what's wrong.

The third man replies, "My horsey was a girl."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-12-2001 01:57 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G  -

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes cross a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him that he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom in a mansion surrounded by fifty beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. He feels something soft
under his feet. He looks down and the whole floor is covered with $100 bills.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.

As they are walking away they remove their hoods. It's the two genies. One genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish of having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"  -

[ 02-26-2003, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-13-2001 10:03 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

There was a guy sitting in his chair watching T.V. drinking a beer

He went to take another sip and there was nothing left. "Bugger", he said as he began to lift himself off the chair to get another beer.

Before he could stand a green genie flew out the top of his beer bottle. :Beer:

The genie said, "You got 3 wishes so make it quick!"

Straight away the guy wished for eternal life.

"You still got 2 so hurry up."

The guy said, "I'm sick of always running out of beer so i wish for a never ending bottle of beer, just like on that Tim Tam ad.

His beer bottle filled right to the top ready for him to take a sip.

The guy drank his beer and it filled up to the top again ready for him to take another sip.

The genie then said to the guy, "You have one more wish so what do you want?" "Hmmmmm,Hmmmmmm, since these never ending beers are so good I'll take another one please.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-16-2001 12:10 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

There were three men walking on the beach. Suddenly a genie appeared and said,
"You may have 1 wish each!"

The first guy thought for a while. "I want to be surrounded by women!" he said

A lot of women appeared on the beach.

The second guy said, "I want all these women to be topless!"

All the womens' tops disappeared.

"I want to live between a womens legs!" cried the third guy.

The genie turned him into a tampon.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-24-2001 01:07 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated XX

A man finds a bottle on the beach and opens it.

A genie pops out. The genie says, "I will grant you one wish."

The man ponders this and says, "I've always wanted to sleep with three women at once."

The genie said, "your wish is granted, the women are at your house."

The man said, "thank you," and went home. Upon arrival, he discovered Elena Bobbit, Tanya Harding, and Hillary Clinton naked in his bed.

He thought not my first choices but beggers can't be choosey and jumped into bed. He passed out from exhaustion and when he awoke, he was in the hospital - he was castrated, had both knees broken and had no health insurance.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-24-2001 02:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A Wish Come True!

This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp.

He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it.

Sure enough, a genie popped out. The genie said,

"Thank you for getting me out of that lamp. In return, I will grant you one wish."

So the guy thought about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan city."

POOOF, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-24-2001 08:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Another Genie Joke One day a women was taking a walk when see saw a lamp and rubbed and rubbed, finally a genie appeared.

He said you have three wishes, but under one condition your husband gets double what you wish for.

"WHAT!, that bastard he left me for a younger women....

OK,OK, I wish for a million dollars. POOF the money appeared at her feet, ...her husband had 2 million appear.

Next she wished for the worlds biggest diamond it appeared, ...her husbands got all sorts of jewels.

She told the genie she had to think about her last wish. She left for a little while, then came back and said she wanted the genie to scare her half to death.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-26-2001 03:42 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R


A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp.

He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish.

So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk.

Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices an OTB betting shop across the road.

He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky seven."

Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing.

He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.

The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir!

We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen.

Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am.

But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire.

If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the guy goes at it with his fingernail.

All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing.

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

To which the guy replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-03-2001 08:27 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A White House intern is shopping at a flea market,
and in looking at an oil lamp, releases a genie.
The genie promptly grants her three wishes.
"First," she said, "I'd like two of the biggest boobs in the whole world."
There's a puff of smoke -- Clinton and Hillary appear at her side....

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-08-2001 03:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

There were three guys.

There was a river.

They needed to cross the river.

So as they were waiting, A lamp washed up upon shore, and the first one grabbed it and rubbed it, the Genie popped up and said, each of you have one wish.

So the first guy said, "I wish I was smart" and he swam across the river.

The second man said, "I wish I was smartER" and got a raft and paddled across the river.

The third guy said, "I wish...I wish I was the smartEST!!!" and the man turned into a woman, and walked across the bridge.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-07-2001 03:59 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rayed G

A Younger Woman

A 60 year old couple had been married for 25 years.

During the celebration a Genie appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. 

The Genie waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The Genie picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-23-2001 10:41 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

One day an Irishman found a bottle. He rubbed it and out came a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you 2 wishes."

The Irishman said, "I like Russian vodka. So I guess I'll take a glass of that." POOF! He had a glass of vodka!

To his surprise, once he finished the glass it refilled by itself, "Wow! It refilled itself!" The genie said, "Of course! It's a magic glass. It will never run out of vodka."

The Irishman exclaimed, "Great! I'll have another one of these!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-09-2001 12:27 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp.

He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it.

Sure enough, a genie popped out.

The genie said, "Thank you for getting me out of that lamp. In return, I will grant you one wish."

So the guy thought about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan city."

POOOF, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo!

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