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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Business (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 78 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  76  77  78 
 
Author Topic: Business
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 08:43 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

This is a true story that happened to me a few days ago.

I was at McDonald's and I ordered a large fry.

The cashier said, "I'm sorry, we are out of apple pies."

I was about to explain her error when the lady in line behind me said, "You're out of apple pies? I can't believe it! This is sick! This is sick!"

The poor cashier said, "I'm sorry. We asked for more from the headquarters, but they haven't come yet." The lady shouted, "I have stock in this company, and this is why it is FAILING! "

"I demand to see your manager, because you are obviously an idiot!" The cashier, on the verge of tears, said, "Please don't call mean idiot. I don't deserve to have you yelling at me."

The manager came forward from the back of the store. "What isthe problem here?"

The lady screeched, "This idiot has given me horrible service, and I am never coming here again." She stormed out.

The cashier followed her out, calling, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." The lady yelled back, "You're a f***ing bitch!"

The manager came out and said, "You are no longer welcome on this property!"

Finally, the lady left the parking lot and stood staring loathingly at the store from the sidewalk. The cashier came back, apologized, and got me my fries.

It turned out that it was one of those ones with Monopoly game pieces. Mine turned out to be an instant winner. Guess what it was? An apple pie.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 10:40 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys:

all on different levels, some climbing up.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 12:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

A guy went to the middle of nowhere and picked up one of those
new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned
on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see
the plant manager, and told her, "When I buy a $50,000 car I
expect the damn radio to work."

The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been
programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio
what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old
Willie Nelson started singing.

"Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started
crooning.

"Easy listening," he remarked, and at once it sounded like he
was in an elevator.

He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a female driver
cuts him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it
another female driver cuts him off.

"Stupid bitches!" he screamed.

The radio immediately blurted out, "So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want..."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 02:13 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Reaching the end of his job interview, the personal recruiter asked the young engineer fresh out of college, "And, what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement funds to 50% of salary, a company leased Corvette every two years, and the salary you asked for?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah...but you started it!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 02:32 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier's desk. "Nice tits love, I want to open a fucking bank account," he says.

"I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier. "Listen you dumb bitch," he says, "I want to open a fucking bank account!" "I'm sorry sir," she says, her bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you if you're going to talk to me like that." And with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.

The two return to the window and the manager asks stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no fucking problem," the man insists. "I just won 10 million on the fucking lottery and I want to open a fucking bank account!"

"I see sir," the manager quickly replies. "And this bitch is giving you a hard time, is she?"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 02:40 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

"The Related Sale" was the subject of a pep talk given recently by the manager of a certain super-drug store.

"For instance, if a customer wants razor blades," he told employees, "ask him how he's fixed for shaving cream and after-shave lotion. That way you can turn a small sale into a bigger one and make more commission."

The youngest clerk was very impressed with the talk and was eager to try the technique on his very next customer. This turned out to be a rather embarrassed gentleman who shyly requested a box of Kotex for his wife.

Ten minutes later, the manager of the store was amazed to see the customer staggering out loaded down with assorted fishing equipment, tackle, nets, boots and a one-man inflatable life raft.

"What happened?!" The manager gasped, and the clerk modestly attributed his success to "The Related Sale."

"Related Sale!" Exclaimed the manager. "But all he wanted was a box of Kotex."

"I know," said the clerk. "So I said, 'Look, mister, there isn't going to be much doing around your house this weekend. Why don't you take a fishing trip?'"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 03:49 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't
people from Holland called Holes?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and
you put your two cents in, what happens to the other
penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just
stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
but a person who drives a race car is not called a
racist?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I do" is the
longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of
bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on
me ...they're cramming for their final exam

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese
mothers use? Toothpicks?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-04-2001 07:19 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-05-2001 01:13 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G


An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinamen are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping", and to the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinamen, "you're in charge of supplies".

He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in a charge of supplies, but he a disappeared and I couldn't a find a him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

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Mark Fontana
Film Handler

Posts: 13
From: Minneapolis, MN
Registered: Sep 1999


 - posted 07-05-2001 11:36 PM      Profile for Mark Fontana   Email Mark Fontana   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Stock Market Report
===================

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-26-2001 03:49 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Rated G

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fish-and-chips fast food restaurant?

One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-03-2001 07:16 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first" and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and
envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a lengthy day negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for everything".

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-03-2001 07:27 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.

When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." 

He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-04-2001 12:17 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
 Rated G  

A business man is trying to find a potental wife. So he finds three business oriented ladies and tells them he'll will give them each five thousand dollars. Each of them can do what they want with it but to be back in six weeks to tell him what they did with it.

All three ladies think they will be smart and try to make money from the five thousand dollars.

So six weeks go by. The three ladies go to meet the business man. The business man says, ''Number One, what did you do with your money?''

Number One says, ''I invested in T-bills and made $1500."

The business man asks number two the same question.

Number Two says, '' I invested in the market and made $1700.''

The business man asks Number Three the same question, as well.

Number Three says, '' I invested in a CD and only made $1200."

The business man, revaluated all three candidates and came to a decision.

Can you guess which one he selected?
.
..
...
....
...
..
.

The one with biggest tits, of course.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 08-05-2001 12:09 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock.

There were three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.

He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she answered, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.

Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

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