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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » British Isle's England, Scotland (Page 1)

 
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Author Topic: British Isle's England, Scotland
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 09:44 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The British have not lost their touch for hilarious slurs on their fellow Europeans...Are you ready to join a Federal Europe?

Try this simple quiz to determine just how European you really are...

1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue. What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber stomphdas bustenholten!"

2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leapout and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Bastardo!Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"

3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking woman (or man) passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety o crude and suggestive remarks

4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12 o'clock. What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.

5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.

6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitane and drinking 48 litres of wine.

7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.

8. You admire your neighbor's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.

9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youthsoff.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving alittle white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced time pieces and multi-purpose folding knives.

10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate? Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
C. Run up to the roof, screaming Ole' ole' ole' ole' at the top of your voice waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.

Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered C to all of the above.This is what we really want in Europe:
1) Swiss salary.
2) Luxembourg taxes.
3) German car.
4) British home.
5) Spanish girls.
6) French wine.
7) Italian food.
8) Belgian beer.
9) Austrian mountains.
10) Danish administration.

And this is the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU:

1) Portuguese salary.
2) Swedish taxes.
3) Spanish car.
4) Greek home.
5) East German girls.
6) German wine.
7) British food.
8) French beer.
9) Dutch mountains.
10) Italian administration.     -

[ 02-10-2004, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Leo Enticknap
Film God

Posts: 6632
From: Loma Linda, CA
Registered: Jul 2000


 - posted 07-06-2001 09:41 AM      Profile for Leo Enticknap   Author's Homepage   Email Leo Enticknap   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated U (or PG if you're puritanical about language)

Nasser Hussein [captain of the England cricket team] is pulled over on suspicion of drink-driving. The policeman asks him to undergo a breath test, at which point he produced a doctor's certificate stating that he was asthmatic and that blowing into a breathalyser would be dangerous. So the policeman asks him to provide a blood sample instead, and out comes another doctor's note, this time saying that he's a haemophiliac and that a needle could cause him to bleed to death. Finally, the policeman asks for a urine sample and is given another note, which reads simply: 'This man is an England cricketer. Don't take the piss.'

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 08:02 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G True Story

One day when Margaret Thatcher was still the Prime Minister, she visited a mental institution to see how all the people were doing.

When she was done visiting she phoned for a cab, but they were all busy.

So she decided to phone home and get her husband to come and pick her up. She called the operator and asked to be connected to the Prime Minister's residence.

The operator said that she couldn't do that.

The Prime Minister asked, "Why not? Do you know who I am?"

To which the operator replied, "No, but I know where you're calling from!"

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Leo Enticknap
Film God

Posts: 6632
From: Loma Linda, CA
Registered: Jul 2000


 - posted 07-12-2001 08:20 AM      Profile for Leo Enticknap   Author's Homepage   Email Leo Enticknap   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
When Maggie said in her victory speech following the '87 election that her party 'really was the people's choice', a former cabinet colleague with whom she had fallen out (Michael Heseltine) is reported to have muttered 'yes, and so was Barabbas.'

IMHO, the biggest joke in that last story is the prospect of Denis attempting to drive, given the quantities of gin he is reputed to put back...

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-05-2002 10:03 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".

"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman,"Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Haha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-18-2002 12:35 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

An American was waiting on a London street corner.

An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American.

Hearing this, the girl replied indignantly, "Well yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-07-2003 03:58 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

THREE ENGLISHMEN...

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this."Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy,"I here that St Patrick was a shift lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in,"Yeah,and here he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?"the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser."Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman,"Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says,"Yeah, so your mates were telling me." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-10-2003 05:26 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Great Britain Beer Festival


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"

The Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-26-2003 10:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Dumb Laws

England Laws


Under the reign of Elizabeth I, any person found guilty of "harboring a Catholic priest" would be tortured or even hanged. Any priest of the Catholic faith that was caught would be hanged, drawn, and quartered.

With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday.

All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.

London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.

The severest Penaltys will be suffered by any commoner who doth permit his animal to have carnal knowledge of a pet of the Royal House (enacted by George I)

It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (in a pub or bar).

It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third p

Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks (enacted by Edward VI).

It is illegal to stand within one hundred yards of the reigning monarch when not wearing socks (enacted by Edward VI)

Chelsea Pensioners may not be impersonated.

A bed may not be hung out of a window.

It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.

Mince pies can not be eaten on Christmas day.

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked manequin.

It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.

Picking up abandoned baggage is an act of terrorism.

Those wishing to use a television must buy a license.

It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armour.

Destroying or defacing money is illegal.

If a steam locomotive is driven on roads, a man must walk in front of the vehicle with a red flag during the day and a red lantern at night to warn passersby.

All steam locomotives are limited to 4mph on roads.

Anal sex is prohibited.

You may not make out in public.

It is legal for a male to urinate in public, as long it is on the rear wheel of his motor vehicle and his right hand is on the vehicle.

Committing suicide is classified as a capital crime.

Interfering with the mail or sleeping with the consort of the Queen is classed as treason, and as such, carries a maximum penalty of death.

Placing a postage stamp that bears the Queen (or King) upside down is considered treason.

One may not "blemish the peace".

A license is required to keep a lunatic.

Damaging the grass is illegal.

Chester

You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

Hereford

You may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the Cathedral Close.

Liverpool

It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

London

Companies may vote in local elections.

York

Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 03-17-2003 12:58 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!] Lorraine

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder
charge.The charges were read out,and she was asked how she
pleaded."Not guilty,"the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said:"Is it true that on the 11th of December,last year,you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf-who was waving a union jack-on the roof of a car,whilst travelling at over
100mph through the center of London,in a blizzard?"

The woman composed herself,looked straight at the prosecution
council and calmly said:"What was the date again?" [Big Grin]

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James Morton
Film Handler

Posts: 17
From: Cambridge, UK
Registered: May 2002


 - posted 05-24-2003 03:47 PM      Profile for James Morton   Email James Morton   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for anyplace to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

“Could I please sit in that seat,” he asked.

The lady was insulted. “You American are so rude,” she said, “can you not see my dog is sitting there?”

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

“Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home as a matter of fact - so I would be only too glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down,” he said.

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude, you are also arrogant!”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I just please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window....”

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-06-2003 09:33 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile] David in Aurora

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with the their wives.


The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undees. "Blessed Virgin Mary woman!

You've no knickers - why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Hoots Mon, woman!

Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afforrrd any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-08-2003 09:31 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A man goes to an agency in London and asks if they
have any jobs.

"Sure," replies the interviewer, "I've got an ace job
- working in a strip club, what you would have to do
is help the girls undress and dress, oil them and all
that sort of stuff."

"Sounds good" says the man.

"Great, can you get to Newcastle for 9.00 am tomorrow?"

"Why, is that where the job is?"

"No, that's where the queue starts..." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-16-2003 07:05 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid,an Irish lass,straight out of the country.

The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of the house sat reading.On the mantel,she saw and dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white balls. She,being curious and not bashful,asked,"What are these?"

He looked up,saw where she was pointing,and answered,"Golf balls."

She said, "OH!",and went on dusting.

A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where
the master was again reading.Again,in the same bowl were small
white balls,only now there were four.She said,"I see you shot
another Golf." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-07-2004 08:35 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!] Leslie

An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.


While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace
became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.

She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.

"I'm terribly sorry," he said,"but I can't seem to reach it."

Try further down," she said.

At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl,"I feel such a perfect ass."

"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace." [Big Grin]

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