Film-Tech Cinema Systems
Film-Tech Forum


Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | my password | register | search | faq & rules | forum home
  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Weird Things (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 6 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6 
 
Author Topic: Weird Things
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 10:51 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Weird

RICHMOND, Virginia: Restaurant owner Ted Doll couldn't believe the damage after the lunch-time incident at his eatery. A stolen garbage truck smashed through a wall and into the restaurant.

City building inspectors closed the business because it appeared only one brick was holding up the entire front of the building.

The name of the restaurant? The Hole In The Wall.   

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-30-2001 11:06 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

LONDON: Workers at a London auction house put a $158,000 painting by artist Lucian Freud into a crusher because they thought it was garbage. A spokesman for Sotheby's confirmed the painting had been accidentally destroyed. 'It is an extremely unfortunate situation and we have taken immediate steps to prevent it happening again'. he said. After the painting wa delivered, workers thought the protective case containing the picture was in fact an empty box. They placed it in a garbage crusher. The Sotheby's spokesman refused to comment on the fate of the employees. -----------------------------------------------------------------

ROSWELL, New Mexico: It won't take a penny to get Ernest Spence's thoughts on the I-R-S. He was a penny short on his taxes and now the agency wants more than 286 dollars in penalties and interest. The businessman says he paid more than $28-thousand dollars in fourth quarter taxes. But the I-R-S says he should have forked over one cent more. Spence says his penny error was a math mistake--he didn't carry over fractions of acent. He figures I-R-S agents don't have enough to do if they're going through all that effort to get a penny. -----------------------------------------------------------------

Wacky-But-True: A Pennsylvania man will spend 23 months in jail for making 5,000 phony 9-1-1 calls because he was bored.20-year-old Thomas Crawley was also ordered to spend 100-hours telling children what he did and "how stupid it was" and pay the city of Philadelphia $100 a month for the next seven years.Crawley used the name Tommy Pain to report his fake fires, gunfights, accidents and other emergencies. He eventually worked his way up to 500 calls a day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

OSLO, Norway: An 80-year-old motorist almost collided with a plane after he made a wrong turn and ended up on a airport runway. Scandinavian Airlines System said the pilot of a plane traveling at 125 miles per hour saw the car, accelerated and took off early to clear the vehicle by a few feet. Airport authorities cannot explain how the man was able to drive through a normally locked gate, and onto the runway. 

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 07:34 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G :0 Weird

This is a true story of what a friend's son did on their way to the mall:

Of course, the 4 year old son was in the back of the corvette and the mother and mother's sister was in the front just chatting away.

Before they knew it, a teen couple had been driving like madman (typical teenagers for ya) and cut them off.

The driver/mother then rolls down her windows and screams "Jackass! Learn how to drive!"

Son in back: (looking around vigourously) "Where? I don't see my dad!" 

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 09:23 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Weird

It was reported, some while back, that there was a Japanese fishing trawller sunk in the Sea of Japan.

The circumstances,however, were some what unusual:

A Russian cargo plane was transporting cattle over a very long range, and their course meant that they would fly over the Sea Of Japan.

One of the cattle was acting up. They tried to calm it down, but it just got worse and worse.

The crew then decided to deal with it in a somewhat wierd way. They opened the cargo doors and simply pushed the cow out, and,you guessed it, it landed on the trawller and sank it.

This iS a true story, it's too wierd to be fiction.   

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 09:26 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Weird

One day in Ontario, Canada. A couple of guys decided that it would be cool to steal a donut delivery truck.

So they climbed in when the delivery guy wasn't looking and sped away.

A few minutes later, they were seen speeding down a main road, followed by 6 or 7 police cruisers.

Dont mess with cops and thier donuts!   

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-01-2001 09:31 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated XXX Weird

One day Tim was riding his car down the empty New York street.

Seeing the street being empty, Tim sped up. Little did he knowthat there was a car about to cross the street. Tim crashed and was killed...

Tim then awoke from his sleep only to find him self in the sky with clouds all around. Tim was scared and confused, he then called out, "Hello?!"

Tim waited a moment, then a deep GREAT voice said, "WHO ARE YOU?"

Tim said, "I'm Tim...who are YOU?"

The voice said, "I AM GOD!" "God?...that means I'm...""YES TIM...YOU ARE DEAD, BUT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YET TIM...NOT FOR FIVE MORE YEARS."

"Really?...so can I go back then?"

"OF COURSE YOU CAN TIM.""But God, look at me I'm all bloody...Hey! Where's my arm?!"

"TIM, CALM DOWN, I SHALL TURN YOU INTO A SPIDER."

"A spider?!"

"A SPIDER AND ONLY A SPIDER!!!!!""Ok. Ok. I agree, god.

"Poof! God turned him into a spider

"Now what god?"

God said, "Squeeze your ass. Do this...MMMMMMM!!""Push?"

"YES WHEN YOU DO THIS..MMMMMM! YOUR SPIDER WEB SHALL COME OUT."

"Ok God.........MMMMMMMMMMMM!" *POP!* and Tim was now spitting out spider wed from his ass

"NOW TIM GO DOWN TO EARTH USING YOUR SPIDER WEB."And so Tim pushed and pushed and he was going down to earth nice and calmly while doing this MMMMMMMMMMMM!

Then suddenly Tim heard his wife's voice,

"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! YOU'RE TAKING A SHIT ON OUR BED TIM!!"   

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 08:31 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Weird Stories

Sad But True

Randy Nestor, 28, was a considerate car thief.

When the stolen cars became hot, he didn't just abandon them, he torched them.Setting the cars on fire, he reasoned, helped the owners collect insurance on their vehicles.

This criminal habit became hisdown fall. After a 10-year career of theft, Randy burned to death in Pittsburgh, PA in a van which he had set fire to from the inside.

He hadn't realized that the door handle on the driver'sside was broken. Friends tried to release him, but the door was locked. His burned body was found inside the van on Sunday, 1 March 1998.
**********************************************

Did he win the argument? It happened in February 1998 in a working-class Boedo neighborhood in Buenos Aires. During a heated marital dispute, a 25-year-old man picked up his 20-year-old wife and threw her off their eighth-floor apartment balcony. To his dismay, she became tangled in the power lines below. He immediately leapt from the balcony and fell towards his wife. We can only speculate as to his reasons. Was he angrily trying to finish the job, or was he remorse fully hoping to rescue her? He did not accomplish either goal. He missed the power lines completely, and plunged to his death. The woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved.

**************************************************

Hungry or just stupid? January 29, 1998, was a fateful day for Michael Gentner. He was shooting the breeze with a group of men, watching a friend clean his fish tank. Alcoholic beverages may have been present. The friend complained that one fish inparticular had become a menace. It had outgrown the tank and was eating other specimens. Michael volunteered to assist. He seized the 5-inch fish and attempted to swallow it. Unfortunately, it stuck in his throat. As Michael gasped futilely for breath,turned blue, and sank to his knees, his three friends realized that something was amiss. They contacted 911 and informed the dispatcher that Gentner had eaten some fish, and was having trouble breathing. Paramedics were quickly dispatched. They arrived to find the fish tail still protruding from the victim's mouth. Despite their best efforts, the 23-year-old could not be resuscitated. The killer fish had claimed one last victim.
*************************************************************
There are safe methods of lighting fireworks. There are dangerous methods of lighting fireworks. Two residents of villages in East Java were killed when they chose the latter method of ignition. Firecrackers are illegal in Indonesia. However, they can be purchased from the black market during celebrations such as Idul Fitri. And boys will be boys, the world over. In January, Isomudin, a 28-year-old resident of Kenongo, and Matkijo, a 20-year-old from Telasih, obtained a large quantity of firecrackers and connected their detonation fuses to a motorcycle battery. The two perpetrators proceeded tostart the engine. The resulting explosion could be heard from a distance of two kilometers. Onlookers attempted to rescue Isomudin and Matkijo, but their burns were too severe. Both men died at the scene. Eight onlookers were treated at a local hospital for their injuries.

********************************************************
A Melbourne, Australia man was playing basketball with his brother and 16-year-old cousin, using a hoop affixed to his garage. After slam-dunking the ball, he hung on the rim for a triumphant moment. The bricks gave way and the wall collapsed on the 20-year-old man, fatally crushing him. His name was withheld by authorities, at the request of his family. Melbourne,Australia is not the safest place to play basketball. Ryan Maloney, 19, died in 1996 in a public basketball court when the ring collapsed on him after a dunk. The coroner recommended that dunking basketballs be banned. No heed was taken of his words.The tradition is still practiced throughout the world.


 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 02:44 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated F (for F for Fun)

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
throughstupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
*printed on bottom of the box*
(Too late! You lose!)
(I love it: food to piss you off.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made
Christmas lights:for indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space? Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:Instructions:
open packet, eat nuts.
(DDDUUUHHH)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-06-2001 07:42 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG Weird

Think You're Having A Bad Day?

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters inBremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat laps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."

Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.

"After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there.

"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman
complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM300 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-06-2001 08:01 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG Weird

Strange Disease!


A man and his new girlfriend were "going at it" The next day, her unmentionables were sore and rashed.

She went to the docter and he had her tested. He told her to come back the next week to get the test results, and he gave her some cream to apply to the infection.

The next day as she was getting ready to go out, she got an urgent phone call from her docter. He told her to come to the office right away. When she got there he told her that she had a disease that only dead people could get!

She was shocked, and her doctor told her that he had no idea how she could get
that. She got some more pills and in a few days the infection cleared up, yet she had to go back for testing.

The doctors knew that the only way she could get that was sexual intercourse.

They had to document her sex life and check the files of all the people she had slept with. It turns out that her boyfriend worked at the mourgue.......

I'm sure you can figure out the rest yourself!

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-09-2001 08:27 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G
 
A deputy in Bolinas, California pulled over a guy who was speeding excessively.

The deputy was told by the driver: "If you're looking for the dope it's in the back seat."

He explained that the large paper bag was full of marijuana, and that it belonged to his freind, and he stated that he was selling it for him.

The driver was arrested.   

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 09:22 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Stupid Criminal Weird

There was a robbery at a bank somewhere and the criminal was caught that very same day...How?

The criminal stuck a piece of paper in the lock slot to keep it from locking.

This piece of evidence was found and it turns out that the pieceof paper was a parking ticket of his which had his name and address on it!

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 09:25 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Weird

Desk Job vs. Operating Bulldozer

Paris--In what just might be one of the most ridiculous studies ever commissioned, the French Labor Board found that working from a desk was more dangerous than operating a bulldozer--by afactor of 2 to 1.

Knee injuries from pushing chairs too close to desks proved to be the most dangerous hazard.[not only knees, but I always bump my head on the keyboard tray when coming up for air...]

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 09:34 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

An elderly woman was shopping and when she went to the parking lot to her car, she saw four men in the car about to drive off.

The lady pulled out a handgun and screamed "I have a handgun and I know how to use it!"

The four petrified men got out of the car and ran. The lady put her groceries in the back seat and sat down. She was so nervous that she couldn't put the key in the ignition.

She soon realized why, as her car was parked about 4 cars down.

She got out of the car, took her groceries, put them in her own car, and drove to the police station. She reported the incident and saw the four men in an interrogation room.

When she reported the incident the officers couldn't help but laugh, and then told her the four men had come to report a crazy old lady with curly hair hijacking their car.

No charges were filed.

 |  IP: Logged

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 10:07 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 

Rated G

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, ''Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!''

Get back on that face in Colorado, and get to wotk in your booth.

We will have no morphing, when I tend bar.

 |  IP: Logged



All times are Central (GMT -6:00)
This topic comprises 6 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6 
 
Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic    Move Topic    Delete Topic    next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:



Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.3.1.2

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.

© 1999-2018 Film-Tech Cinema Systems, LLC. All rights reserved.