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» Film-Tech Forum   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Old Men (Page 1)

 
This topic comprises 21 pages: 1  2  3  4  ...  19  20  21 
 
Author Topic: Old Men
Rachel Carter
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 248
From: Gloucester, Massachusetts, USA
Registered: Dec 2000


 - posted 06-30-2001 05:07 PM      Profile for Rachel Carter   Email Rachel Carter   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

70-year old George went for his annual physical and all of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peacewith yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
>Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 08:58 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

 
Men... Q & A

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: so they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties...

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: Because it's sex with someone they love...

Q: Why are men like laxitives?
A: Because they irritate the shit out of you...

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 09:09 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Mr. Penis hereby requests a raise for the following reasons:

1. Does a hard manual labor.

2. Works in great depths.

3. Works head down.

4. Works in a dark unventilated workplace.

5. Works in conditions of extreme humidity.

6. Works without receiving any legal vacations or Sunday's off.

7. Works in a toxic environment.

8. Works without time off and without extra pay for overtime.

9. Works in high temperature.

10. Exposed to personal diseases in his work place.

The Administration's response: Inspite of the reasons mentioned by Mr. Penis, the management rejects all of employee Dick Penis's requests for the following reasons:

1. Doesn't work 8 hours in a row.

2. Falls asleep in his workplace after a short period of work.

3. Doesn't always meet the workplace requirments.

4. Is not loyal to his workplace.

5. Lacks any education.

6. Retires to pension earlier than normal.

7. Doesn't work on his own, but needs to be pushed from behind.

8. Doesn't leave his workplace clean and neat when done working.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 09:15 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Men

A must read for females......................

Why Men Are Proud of Themselves

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds or less.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader iscoming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Same work...more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on abolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 09:38 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R Men

 
More Q & A

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A whore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley. Rated R Men

 
More Q & A

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A whore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2001 02:24 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

You Know Your Getting Older When... Mark as unread

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

- At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- You're on vacation, and your energy runs ou before your money does.

- You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

- You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time.

- You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

- All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

- The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

- Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

- It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

- You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

- You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 01:29 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

an 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. the doctor asks him how hes feelin'. the old man says" I' ve never been better . I have an 18 year old bride who's pregnent with my child. What do you think about that?!"

The doctor thinks for a moment then says let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter.

He never misses a season.but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.So he's walking in the woods next to a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in the brush ahead of him.

He raises the umbrella ,aims,and squeeses the handle.BAM!!! the beaver falls dead in its tracks.

Thats impossible replies the old man in disbelief. someone elsemust have shot that beaver.

My point exactly!!!

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Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1492
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 01:51 PM      Profile for Will Kutler   Email Will Kutler   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
RATED G

"Inside" Jewish Joke

Two alta-cockers (old farts) sittin on a park bench. After several hours one turns to the other and says "oy-veh!". Several more hours go by before the second responds with, "Your tellin me?!"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-03-2001 08:07 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't needt to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-07-2001 10:21 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A little boy went up to his father and asked:'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?

''The father replied:'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 01:48 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

For the Guys     

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
Wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 02:32 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated XX

If you think a guy's life is bad compare it to an egg.

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes 4 minutes to get hard.

It takes 2 minutes to get soft.

You have to share a box with eleven other guys.

And the only chick to sit on your face is your mother.   

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-08-2001 08:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Men's Instinct   

* Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

* Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

* Men know that if she looks like your mother, run!

* Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers,and the truth.

* Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win

* Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

* Men know that how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

* Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and exactly how far that gas will get them.

* Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

* Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect men to stare at her cleavage.

* Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

* Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

* Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there. 

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-10-2001 10:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

DR. SEUSS ON THE GOLDEN YEARS

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My body's drooping

I have trouble pooping

The Golden Years have come at last

The Golden Years can kiss my ass.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-11-2001 12:25 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son.

He doesn't know if he's gonna like it at first but gives it a shot for his son's sake.

His first morning in the home, he wakes up with a tremendous hard-on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse appears, huge tits,and an ass to die for, she kneels down, and blows him without saying a word.

The guy gets to a phone and calls his son and says, "Son! I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in here!"

"Wow,Pop! You sound really happy! What Happened?"

THe old man replies, "You won't believe it! I woke up this morning with a hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse came right in and blew me!didn't say a word, just blew me!"

"Well, that sounds great Dad, Congratulations!"

They exchange goodbyes and hang up.

Later that day, the old man is walking down the with his walker.

He slips, falls, and can't get up. Just then, a big hillbilly orderly runs up, tears down the oldman's pants, fucks him up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap.

The man crawls to a phone, and calls his son, and says, "Son, you gotta get me outta here! This place is nuts!"

"What happened Dad? You sound awful!"

The man then told about his hillbilly orderly ordeal.

"Well, you know, Dad, you got a blow job this morning, you gotta take the good with the bad-"
"
You don't understand son! I only get hard-ons once a month! I fall down 4-5 times a day!"

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