Top 10 Excuses to Cancel a Date       

10. Don't know how I forgot this engagement at Buckingham Palace.

9. My cousin really needs my kidney.

8. I'd let you talk to the aliens, but for some reason they can only communicate with me

7. It's a hair thing I know you'll understand.

6. That must have been one of my other personalities.

5. Everything before the accident is blank.

4. I just remembered-I'm married.

3. I know it's last-minute, but I've decided to get a sex change.

2. Sorry, I had you confused with someone attractive.

Top Ten Jobs wanted by small children:
1. Fire Truck-the Red kind
2. President
3. Astronaut
4. Vet
5. Explorer(the really famous kind)
6. Boss of the Universe
7. Whatever their Mommy does
8. Whatever their Daddy does
9. Toy tester
10. Anything on TV

Tope Ten Jobs wanted by teenage boys:

1. Playboy Photographer
2. Pamela Anderson's Boytoy
3. Pro Fotball player
4. Pro Basketball Player
5. Pro Baseball Player(I sense a trend)
6. Pro Hockey Player
7. Rock Star
8. Boss of the Universe-that one doesn't change
9. Anything but what their Dad does
10. Lottery Winner

Top 10 Signs of Job Burn-Out Mark as unread

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the number one sign that you are burned out because of work...

THE 10 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS------------------------------

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as:Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup. Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.Advantages: Stays put; predictable.Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you. Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'Dumb.Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled. Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.Advantages: Well rested; easy target. Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.

The Sneak - "Who, me?"Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt. Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.Advantages: Perpetually aroused.Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,but--"Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.Advantages: Tells good stories.Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus."

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer. Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.

Mr. Prez Let's do it in the Oval Office. Let's do it in the war room Also known as Slick Willy, the Presidential Erection, The Commander in briefs, The Secret Servicer, The Pocket Veto and The Executive Branch Advantages: Fun games such as swallow the Leader.Think of the book rights and speaking fees I'll never have to do one of those American Express commercials "Who Am I"Disadvantages: Those darn perjury charges

Things you do not want to hear in a public bathroom

10. I love you, you love me, we're a happy family

!9. Aw, no. There goes my glass eye. Little help?

8. (after flush) Darn, I knew it wouldn't fit through the pipe.Now what do I do?

7. (in mens room) Just my luck, another period.

6. Bwahahahaha, let's see you get through this one, Mario!

5. Mmmmm, poo poo good.

4. Uh oh, that's not good. Uh, you might want to leave.

3. Wa-wa go down the hoooole...

2. HEY, HOW DID I GET HERE?

Top 10 Signs To Buy A New Car...

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of HistoricPlaces.

9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT
ELSE is on!)

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And the number one reason God created Eve...

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced
   lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
   considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is
   next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

And the number one thing only women understand:

10 things you will never hear a man say:

1) Let's watch Oprah!

2) Sex is overrated.

3) I want you to come first.

4) Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.

5) There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.

6) I'm glad I don't have a large penis.

7) My hips are too big.

8) Is ''Mad About You'' on tonight?

9) Does this suit make me look fat?

Top Ten Times in History..Using the "F" word was appropriate...

"What the **** was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these ******* indians come from" -Custer

"Any idiot could ****** understand that." Einstein

I"t does so ****** look like her" - Picasso

"How the **** did you work that out?" Pythagorus

"You want WHAT on the ****** ceiling?" Michelangelo

"I don't suppose it's gonna ****** rain." Joan of Arc

"Scattered ******* showers..my ass!" Noah

"I need this parade like I need a ***** hole in my head." JFK

Top 10 Reasons Sleep Is Better Than Sex

1. You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.

2. No one will start rumors about how much you sleep.

3. You won't complain in the morning about not getting any.

4. You don't have to pay for sleep.

5. You don't need to sleep after sleeping.

6. Sleep can last a good eight hours

7. You can sleep in church.

8. While sleeping, you can have sex with anyone you want.

9. Your teddy bear never complains.

10 reasons why sex is better than School

1. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for
virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just
sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you
feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people
to drink.

6. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is
still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have
sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!

Top Ten Signs NEWT GINGRICH Has Gone Mad with Power

1. Has beaten several Democrats to death with his gavel!

2. Now claiming he invented the Fig Newton

3. Sending bus full of Cub Scouts to conquer Mexico

4. U.S. map on office wall reads "Newt York" and Newt Jersey"

5. Insists Ed Sullivan Theater be kept freezing cold

6. He wrote a new book: "Newt Gingrich's Contract With My Pants"

7. Begins every session of Congress by singing "I Got You Babe" with Sonny Bono

8. Actually thinks he's got as much power as Hillary

9. He's been sportin' one of them Ito beards

Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

10. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like: alt. recreational.catnip.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Corp about their release of “CyberDog.”

4. E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.”

3. You keep finding new software around your house like "CatinTax" and "WarCat II".

2. On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.

1. There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

The Top 12 Nudist Pickup Lines:

12 "Hey, is that a roll of quarters in... er, never mind. That's not a pocket, is it?"

11 "Oh, look! Somebody dropped a $20 bill there on the ground in front of you!"

10 "Hey, Tan Lines, new around here?"

9 "Ever seen a guy do no-handed pushups?"

8 "Excuse me, were those Bugle Boy jeans?"

7 "Nice melanoma!"

6 "My other penis is a Porsche."

5 "Damn, you'd look great in a wet T-shirt."

4 "Boy, I'd sure like to get into *YOUR* pants! Figuratively speaking, of course..."

3 "Did you just wake up or are you glad to see me?"

2 "Did I mention that I'm President of the United States?"