Old aviation Sayings... some good, some not so good....

It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure.

Landing on the ship during the daytime is like sex, it's either good or it's great. Landing on the ship at night is like a trip to the dentist, you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable. LCDR Thomas Quinn, USN.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good shit. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV. A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' A-320.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

A "GOOD" landing is one from which you can walk away.
A "GREAT" landing is one after which you can use the airplane again

If you've got time to spare, go by air. (More time yet? Go by jet.)

It only takes two things to fly, airspeed and money.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot? The duck can fly.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.

If it doesn't work, rename it. If that doesn't help, the new name isn't long enough.

Please don't tell Mum I'm a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.

Will Rogers never met a fighter pilot.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.

If it's ugly, it's British; if it's weird, it's French; and if it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

New FAA motto: We're not happy, till you're not happy.

A copilot is a knot head until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Pilots are just plane people with a special air about them.

Basic Flying Rules

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
"Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do."

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing:
"You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."

AIRLINE TRUTHS (Supposedly)

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto-pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.. "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than XXX Airlines!"

Aviation 101

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Gravity never loses. The best you can hope for is a draw.

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Airline captains universally rate the B-747 as the easiest airliner to land. The technique:

Hold the nose down until the first officer screams.

The chief pilot at my last airline had a bumper sticker on her car that read "A woman's place is in the cockpit." To which someone added with a marker "Serving coffee to the pilots."

With so many women pilots around nowadays, we can no longer refer to the flight deck as a "cockpit." The new term is "boxoffice."

Overheard in the hallway at the flight school one day (CFI=Certified Flight Instructor):

CFI to Student: You're back! How'd the cross-country go?

Student: It went fine. The plane's out front.

CFI: Out front?

Student: Yeah. In the parking lot.

CFI: In the parking lot?!

Student: Yeah. On the flatbed.

CFI: The flatbed?!?

Student: Yeah. The wings'll be here tomorrow.

The flight deck crew had just leveled off and were settling in for their long trip across the Pacific. Having completed the cruise checklist, the flight engineer asked the captain for the ship's log in order to make some entries. The captain didn't respond (which is the usual captain's response to questions from flight engineers). The engineer repeated the question. The captain still didn't respond. The engineer, thinking the captain had dozed off (which is the usual captain's response to the beginning of the cruise segment) reached forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The captain slumped over--dead in his seat.

The engineer exclaimed, "Holy $#%&! The captain's dead! What do we do now?"

The first officer calmly replied, "Well, the first thing we do is get that fat sonofabitch out of my seat."

The proposed Airbus A-410-100. Looks like a Boeing beater for sure

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or
your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this
flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Knowing when to scream

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men walk upthe aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses.

One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off - that it will plow into the water!!

Panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in theknowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Which do you prefer to fly???

Paul and Bob

As a former C141b and C5a/b Crew Chief....

The CORRECT name for the C5a/b is F.R.E.D. (Phuggin Ridicilous Economical Disaster)

One of the reasons that many USAF aircraft are airworthy are because of the amount of back-up systems to the primary systems! (thats a fact!)

god knows how many times a C141 or C5 would need an emerengcy repair as is sat at the end of the runway awaiting tak-off. The emerengcy service runs were refered to as "red streaks". This name was changed because it is obviously not p.c.!

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!" ;D

A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a nice cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"